If Only This Were True

If only this were true what a wonderful world this would be. But alas it is a cute phrase that does not convey the truth of the matter. Both men and women who are the recipients of “love, care, time and attention” have plenty of opportunities to cheat on their spouses and some do. I have often thought about what is there in us that some will succumb to temptation and others will not. Why does the cheater cheat? Do people cheat and become cheaters or are they cheaters who cheat? 

By the way, everything I will say in this post applies equally to men and women.

I remember the day when as a young man of 19 I looked into the eyes of a 19-year-old young woman named Susan and surrounded by God’s people, standing in the presence of God’s spokesman and before the eyes and ears of the Almighty Himself I promised that young woman that, among other things, I would be “true to her and her alone as long as we both shall live. I remember feeling the weight of that promise. I knew I meant what I said to her that day. I knew she was accepting my words at face value and believing I would honor that sweeping promise. At the same time, she was making the very same promises to me. By God’s grace we kept those promises.

Unfortunately, a lot of other people have made, and others will make, those same promises to each other under the same circumstances but somewhere along the line they will yield to temptation, break their vow and betray the trust of their spouse. The question is, why do some remain faithful, and others do not. 

Setting aside, at least for the moment, Jesus’ sweeping statement in Matthew 5:28 where he declares, “But I say unto you, 'That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart'” and look at why people cheat on each other. Let’s take a look.

I don’t think it is necessary to define what I mean by cheating on one’s spouse. I suspect we all know what that is. However, for the sake of clarity let me define what I mean by cheating . . . . Cheating is when one spouse betrays the other spouse’s trust and breaks the promise of maintaining emotional and sexual exclusivity with them. 

Let me also say up front what else we know to be true and that is that everyone of us has a strong desire for self-gratification. It may be among the strongest we have but it does not have to be the strongest and certainly not the controlling desire. As the king once said why he did a certain thing replied, “It pleasures me.” That is not too far from the excuse, “I did it because I could.”  Now, if this need for self-gratification exceeds the love and intimacy a person is getting from a relationship and commitment and loyalty are weak or missing it can lead to infidelity. Mark the words “it can lead to” . . . . It can but infidelity is not inevitable. 

So, we have defined the area wherein conflict can arise. Counselors and Psychologist will give you a long list of why men and women cheat on each other. Those lists are all attempts to explain why a certain person acted out the way they did, i.e., cheating on their spouse. However they try to describe a given cause in a given case the truth what they are actually doing is adding color commentary to the picture. Behind all of that descriptive and justifying language is “it's all about me.” Even when we play the blame game and put the onus on our spouse, it is still “all about me.”

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4) I don’t know how many times I have been asked since by beloved wife of almost 55 years went to be with the Lord about how we managed to stay married that long. Seems that is a question that flows out of the fact that so many marriages end in divorce sometime within the first ten years. I know it first was brought to my attention more than 30 years ago when as I checked out of a Phar-Mor Pharmacy, I handed the clerk a 50th Anniversary Wedding card. I still remember her response, “Wow, do people actually stay married that long?” My answer always followed along the line of, “Well, yes . . . at least many of my friends and acquaintances do.

Legally people can get divorced for any reason or even no reason at all. Biblically God only recognizes one acceptable reason and that is adultery. In Levitical law, adultery was so serious that if a man slept with another man’s wife, the adulterers would both be put to death (Leviticus 20:10). I’m going to be honest, if this were still the method of today, I know a few people who would not be alive.

The consequences of adultery (betrayal) are devastating in so many ways. However, we must never forget that Jesus is redemptive. If we love Him, He will work events in our lives together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28). However, our choices do come with consequences. Even though there is grace and forgiveness for our sins we should never push the limit on that grace and live against God’s laws. 

In John 8, Jesus was asked to stone a woman for adultery. He began to tell the people whoever had never sinned throw the first stone and they all eventually left. Jesus, who was the only one who never sinned, chose not to condemn her, but to forgive her and call her to leave her life of sin.

Adultery comes in a variety of forms. There is pornography . . . . viewing or reading graphic materials that are sexual. There is flirting . . . . trying to entice another through smooth words and using inappropriate language with another who is not your spouse. There is sexual relations . . . . encountering another person sexually who is not your spouse. There is sexting . . . . sending inappropriate messages or images to someone who is not your spouse. And there is lusting . . . . having sexual fantasies about another person who is not your spouse.

So, with all this with which to contend, what is one to do. I would suggest that you begin by making sure you have a very close walk with the Lord. Second, I also suggest that as husband and wife you do things together and not separate. Thirdly, I also suggest you avoid emotional adultery . . . sharing your personal thoughts, feelings, and emotions with another person other than your husband or wife. 

Marriages are so important and valuable to the Lord. They are a gift that He has given to us that are to model His love for His church. When we commit adultery, we not only ruin the image of our own marriages, but we taint the view of God’s love to others as revealed through our marriage. We need to take this very seriously and rely on the Holy Spirit to help us succeed in purity. The Christian marriage is in reality a spiritual threesome . . .  It is composed of a man, a woman and the Lord himself. For believers Jesus is Lord of their individual lives and He must be Lord of their marriage. What God has joined together let not man put asunder . . . especially by not being unfaithful to the promises made to each other before God. 

People give a lot of reasons and even more excuses as to why they cheated on their spouse but that is all they are, excuses. The truth is a good man who truly loves you and is committed to you will be loyal to you as well. I have lived now a long time in this old world, and I can tell you that every man I know has had the opportunity to "cheat" (I call it betray) on his wife at some point in their marriage and some do, but not every man does. Instead of trying to understand why some cheat I suggest we consider why others don’t cheat.

A man remains faithful not because you give him love, care, time and attention. Too be sure he likes all of those things, and they will certainly help the relationship grow and mature. There are all sorts of things one can do to bring a husband-and-wife relationship into the Biblical goal of oneness. Chief among these is always trying to become a better person and always putting your spouse first . . . . even before yourself. It is a matter of being kindly affectioned one to another with godly love and in honor preferring one another.

A husband remains faithful because he is a man of character who will not trade his character for a bowl of soup. He is loyal to his wife in spite of being tempted because of who he is . . . . a man of character. A man who truly loves his wife simply will not betray her trust for a few moments of carnal gratification.

No man was ever loved by a woman as was I and no woman was ever loved by a man as was my wife. However, our fidelity to each other was born out of our view of self and each other and not what we provided for one another. Good men have more self-respect than that and they certainly have more respect toward their wives. Back to that night 55 plus years ago when I sealed a promise already made . . . . it was heavy on me because I understood that being unfaithful was just not an option . . . . it was a promise. 

To paraphrase Scripture, If I cannot be faithful to my wife who I have both seen and touched how can I be faithful to God whom I have not seen and touched? If I love her with every fiber of my being, how can I entertain the thought of being betraying the trust she has placed in me.

When we promised to be true to our wives until death do us part, we were saying not only will I love you, but I’ll be true to you until the day one or the other of us dies. Some of us can't seem to stop even after our spouses dies. I remember saying to my sweet Susan, “Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your God my God: Where you die, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.”

Dear friend, a promise made is a commitment to keep . . . your honor is on the line. 

As Time Goes By

 

I recently read a posting about someone’s childhood experience and how they related to that experience, and it got me to thinking about my own growing up years. I have learned, over time, that during my formative years my house and its furnishings were not that much different from those of my friends and classmates. In later years, as an adult, I learned from many of them that their home life in those houses was not really that different from mine either. A few had it better and a few had it harder but most of us were having a very similar experience. 

Over the years I have developed relationships with people in the various circles in which I moved. I had my ministry friends, my college and seminary friends and my academic friends, church member friends, travel industry friends and because in all of all of those friend categories my international friends. Different in so many ways the one thing they all have in common is that I think of them as friends. If I were a rich man, I’d rent a nice hotel with a great hall and have them all together in one place so I can say “Thank You” for enriching my life. 

I believe that God has a plan for our lives that makes us a part of His greater plan for mankind. As a part of that plan He brings people in and out of our lives. Some are a part of our lives the whole of the time while others only for a short span. Some come into our lives early and leave only to return in later years. It is an amazing process and such a joy when one is aware of what is taking place.  When we realize God is doing all this weaving to accomplish something bigger than ourselves and at the very self-same time He is shaping us into the expressed image of His dear Son. As He weaves the tapestry we call our life He never drops a stitch. He even uses the bad experiences of life as opportunities to enrich us. There is a sense in which I am what I am because of who you, my friends, are. God is making something beautiful of our lives.  

However, over the years there has been a strange and dare I say almost spiritual connection with the group of people with whom I started this journey we call life. Because our lives went so many directions after May 1965 so many were not seen again for 25 years and others for 45 years and yet I feel as though in some kind of mystical way they have walked with me every day of my life.  When I walked the school hallways with them I thought we were all so very different and now as I come to the end of my journey I see we were really not that different at all. 

I have not forgotten my best friend all through Junior and senior high school even though it has been more than 58 years since I last saw or even spoken to him. I am sure I am poorer for that. On the other hand, a few people with whom I rarely spoke or associated with in those days have become precious friends. However, it doesn’t seem to be the frequency of time spent together or of conversations shared that give my fellow PHS Class of 1965 a special place in my heart of hearts. I weep over the passing of people about whom I know little or nothing and I find myself rejoicing with those who find new happiness in our senior years and I am saddened when they hurt. But as strange as it may seem I feel drawn to the members of that class. I don’t know why . . . I just know it is so. Maybe you can tell me.

I find myself wishing I could reach around all of us and bring us into our own private Brigadoon. So many of these folks are people of faith . . . . the Christian faith. That means that one day God will bring us together in our own eternal Brigadoon . . . we call it Paradise. Paradise becomes in many respects a paradise because so many of you will be there. Intellectually I know that not all will be there but I see them there none-the-less. Heaven in my mind is like now except without flaws and sin.

So, for all the big and small ways that you, the members of the PHS Class of 1965 have touch, help shape and continue to minister to my life I say, “Thank you.” In spite of my doubts, fears and anxieties in May 1965 about what the future held for us you seem to me to have succeeded in life. A few made it materially and few fell through the cracks but by-in-large you managed to become great people. If no one else has told you lately, then let me do it now, “You are indeed loved.” I know because I have love in my heart for you. I can’t explain it but it is there none-the-less. 

By the way, If you are a 1965 graduate or attended Pasadena High School in Pasadena, Texas between 1962-64 but were transferred to and graduated from Sam Rayburn in 1965 you should check out our class page on Facebook . You can keep up with what's happening there and you'll know when our next class "Gather with a Few Old Friends" dinner is scheduled. 

Proper Attire for the Pulpit. What is it?

I recently responded to a post on Facebook dealing with what constituted proper attire for a minister when preaching. Here is the post: “I would like everyone tell me if your preacher wears a suit to preach? I haven’t been to a church service in 25 years that a preacher wears one.  I don’t believe anyone will find a scripture in the Bible that requires that . . . .”  

Ordinarily I would have answered with a yes or no. However because I took “I don’t believe anyone will find a scripture in the Bible that requires that” as a kind of off-handed challenge I decided to be a little more expansive in my response. 

I began my thought process by recalling my own experience as a Baptist preacher. That experience covers a period of time starting in about 1963 to the present or about 60 years of observation and involvement. I have observed preachers from around the world and must confess that they have worn all sorts of attire. 

I may be wrong, but here are some of my thoughts on why clothing matters when we’re preaching. I do believe that what the preacher wears in the pulpit and at public speaking engagements is more than just a matter of personal choice. After all, preaching is not about us. 

As the vessel through which God delivers His message we cannot help but be noticed. However, we should never outshine the message or deliberately call attention to ourselves. After all that is the main thing in preaching. I will add, that however one dresses it needs to be clean, fit well, appropriate and not be a distraction from the sermon. Now with that said, hear is what I think . . . .

Since finding a chapter and verse that delineates how a preacher is to dress for the pulpit seemed to be a challenge of some sort I want to address it first. Let me be the first to say that there is nothing in Scripture that says in a straightforward manner anything like, “And the Bishop shall wear ___________.” However, that does not mean Scripture inform a preachers choice of attire. 

You see, the preacher’s attire when preaching is not a matter of chapter and verse in Scripture. Scripture. There are in Scripture whose underlying principle would apply. For example Paul’s discussion of meat offered to idols in both Romans 14:21 and Corinthians 8:13. Certainly First Corinthians 10:23, where Paul says, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not" is informative.

So, in typical preacher form I have four points and but no poem. 

First the attire of the preacher in the pulpit is largely and issue of contextualization. It needs to fit the time, place and occasion. What works in one church may not work in another. Keep in mind you can rarely over dress but it is really easy to under dress. In my personal experience, my last church seemed to prefer at a minimum a coat and tie, but I preferred a suit (I did both) for all Sunday services. I have found that acceptable attire for any church. In some instances like weddings I have worn my doctrinal robe. All of the churches where I served would not have minded if I wore pants and a Polo shirt on Sunday nights and other weekday services. I want my dress to fit the occasion. Loving people well means being willing to contextualize my attire so others might hear the Word. I do not want my dress to distract from the main thing . . . the preaching of the Gospel. As a preacher we need to know our audience; we need to know the occasion; and we need to dress appropriate for both.

My second thought is that what the preacher wears does send signals intended or not. On the negative side it may say things like, “I’m still living in the 70s” or “I’m messy.” In other cases, it says, “I like to rebel against tradition” or “perhaps I’m too lazy to iron my shirt.” On the positive side in might say, “I want to become all things to all men” so some might be saved. These perceptions may be just that—only perceptions—but we still need to recognize them when we preach. You preach on heaven and all the congregation remembers is that goofy tie you work or the chest hair sticking out above the top button of your shirt. 

My third thought is that how the preacher dresses can be part of an intentional ministry outreach strategy. Perhaps the best illustration is the pastor who wears a coat and tie in a traditional service, but who then wears jeans with an untucked shirt for the contemporary or evening service. He’s doing that intentionally because of the church’s desire to reach multiple generations through different services.

My final thought is that how the preacher dresses can distract from the message. When your clothing looks strange (or even just decidedly different), it’s not always easy to hear your message because of the visual distraction. I suppose we can blame that issue on the hearers, but it’s our responsibility as the communicator to figure out how to communicate most effectively. I remember the days of the flamboyant evangelists with their flashy clothes. They certainly got your attention don’t know about whether their message always got through. 

As preachers we have a responsibility not to allow our clothing choices to hinder someone’s hearing the message. To paraphrase Jesus, “Take heed that you do not dress to be seen of men: otherwise you have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.” Again, it is an issue of contextualization. 

I also think these apply to church members as well. My grandfather might have worn coveralls to church but they would be his newest and cleanest. May I suggest that how we dress might be a reflection of how we view God. The real question is not what should I wear but am I dressing to please myself, to impress others or to honor and please God. After all, God looks on the intent of the heart.

Proper Attire for the Pulpit. What is it? You tell me in the Comments below.

Choose You This Day . . . .

In light of the events of today, namely the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, my mind has been revisiting the journey we have made since I committed my life to the preaching of the gospel and the changes in our national morality and ethics. I somehow think that event today in Uvalde is a consequence of that journey. Historically, these kinds of things had their beginning in that same decade.

I do not think anyone would deny that since the 1960's there has been a gradual and steady change in our society’s morality. In 1967 or 1968 I was on a Houston television station discussing Joseph Fletcher and his book Situation Ethics and where it would take us if his ideas to take hold of the American mind. Since then, we have seen our mores, moral standards and ethics change from absolute to situational to individual. Progressives would generally see this as a good thing while conservatively minded people would see it as not good. 

However, one feels about it there is no denying that our morality has drastically changed as we have moved from community consensus to the idea of personal choice. Many things which were viewed as unequivocally wrong are now being standardized.  Because of my age I have personally witnessed this change. I have watched as things like sexual promiscuity, pedophilia, abortion, graphic violence, drug abuse, pornography, hate crimes and any number of other things have moved from being absolutely forbidden to being normalized and acceptable.  

This is not to say that these things did not exist in the past, because they did, but rather, it is to show the way that our society has warped its definition of morality; consequently, many people have come to govern themselves by what they feel is right.  We have succumbed to a gradual rejection of moral absolutism. I would suggest that is the result of changing ideas of a moral standard or authority outside ourselves. In our country that would be both a corrupting of the Judeo-Christian ethic as expressed in Scripture by Christians and an outright rejection of it by non-Christians. Together they constitute an unholy alliance.  

The Judeo-Christian ethic provides the moral authority for behavior. Moral absolutism attests that every action is classified as either right or wrong.  This goes against today’s views that claim that there is much so much grey area that one cannot have a one standard fits all approach to human conduct. These would say the line between good and evil is ambiguous, and the circumstances determine what is the right course of action.

For Christians and Muslims, the one thing they unequivocally agree on is that there are moral and ethical absolutes by which individuals, communities, cultures and institutions are to conduct themselves in society. For Christians moral absolutism generally rests on the belief that life is a spiritual experience. Additionally, as Christians we believe that the Bible is our sole authority for both faith and practice . . . what we believe and what we do and how we do it.  God is the one who sets right and wrong, and His rules are clear. For the Muslim it is the Quran. 

While Christianity and Islam are the number one and two religions in the world by size there is a third group that I will simply call unbelievers (they profess no religion). This third group represents about 16% of the world people. They deny God and in so doing have no external authority for moral behavior. Group three is growing at about the same rate a Christianity is declining.

A large and steadily rising, number of people are shifting due to a lack of belief in a God or a higher power that sets absolute morals.  This mind set leads people to choose their own definition of right and wrong, and therefore, we see increases in and acceptance of many actions which were previously viewed as immoral. This defines the battle for America that we are witnessing in our day.

Those who deny God generally define right and wrong on the basis of how they feel about it at any given time. This becomes “their truth.” It is very much akin to the experience of the Jews when there were no judges in the land, and everyone did what was right in their own mind.  This clear turn from moral absolutism by young people coupled with the general decline in religious peoples understanding of Scripture means that right and wrong will only continue to blur, and those previously immoral actions will continue to normalize, while those who still believe in moral absolutism will become more and more peculiar.

At this point, while faced with this moral relativism, we must right our ship. We have two options. One option is to do nothing and just continue on our present downward spiral or we can bring our ship around and sale into these perverse winds that lead to anarchy. We can continue to refuse to define right and wrong and let our society remain on the path that is running our American culture amuck. It will, like a leaky faucet continue dripping until it becomes a stream corrupting all careers and classes.  

On the other hand, we can choose to change our “social” thinking to recognizing that people do not have the individual luxury of determining their own rights and wrongs. Christians need to return to a high view of Scripture as the Word of God and the authority for how we live. If we choose this option, we might see a change in the direction we are going as a people.

I do not expect the world to do anything to get us back on track because God seems to have put the responsibility on His own people. We Christians hold the key. The promise of restoration is given to God’s people not people in general. It starts in the house of the Lord. We must start the painful process of getting the world, the false preacher and teachers and the mercenaries out of the church. God has said, “If my people.” There it is, the big “If.” It might well be if and when my people "which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will heal their land."

Well, there you have it. God has told us what to do. "Choose you this day who you will serve . . . ." All that remains is to do it

Husbands Keep Loving Your Wife!

Marriage in America is a vanishing institution. More than half of the marriages in America will never reach the “until death do us apart” stage. Society reflects the consequences of the disintegration of the home (family unit). In any given year will more than half of all marriages will end in divorce.

I was married to the same woman for nearly 55 years . . . a woman who I have known since she was about 13 or 14 years old . . . . and if I have learned anything, it is that I am not smart enough to speak for what any woman wants in a relationship. But through those years of growing up and growing together I have observed a few things that I think might be helpful to couples. Here is one thing I have experienced and observed.

First, unless God brought you together, don’t even entertain the notion that what brought you together will keep you together. If, like my Susan and me, God brought you together you’d better accept early that it will take Him to keep you together. And if you are as “in love” as you felt you were then look for the clues He is giving you to keep you together and bring you into oneness. 

Hey guys, when you started your journey together, she was saying to you “Take my hand and don't you ever let go.” Believe me when I tell you that the day your wife stops wanting and asking for your affection you are already in real relationship trouble. When she quits reaching out for your hand as you walk together you had better recognize that an emotional line has been crossed that is important to your husband-wife relationship. That is the day she has decided she’s done.

So to make it contemporary, “Put your phone down . . . look at her . . . listen to her.”  She wants your focus to be on her. She wants to be seen and heard. I don’t care how long you have known your old “school buddies” she became your top priority in life the day you pledge your love to her. She needs and wants your affirmation. She wants to know that she is still “the chosen one” in your life. 

Under God she is the single most important person in your life and as such is entitled to you complete devotion. You need to give your attention to her and all that she does. That devotion, whether you know it or not, is not demonstrated in flamboyant expressions on special days. It is seen in how you acknowledge all the “crap” she does trying to keep your home together. Everything from picking up toys, making sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom, keeping up with and reminding you of your appointments and a thousand other things that go unnoticed until they go undone.

I remember a lady once told her husband as we were discussing their relationship, “I want to be seen, I want to be noticed and I ant to be appreciated.” Here’s what she was really saying: :I want you to show me that you even know I am in the room. You act as though I am invisible. Furthermore I want you not only to see me, but to see what I do around this place. I am your exhausted chief cook and bottle washer and then you want me to be your lover. I need you to know who I am and to recognize and appreciated what I do.” 

My dear brothers, when your wife asks for your help, please understand it means she wants and needs YOU! Instead of calling her a nag, change that light bulb or fix the leaky faucet when you say you will. Doing what you said you’d do builds trust. I recently had a call from a man whose wife had passed and he said, “I don’t know what to do now. I have finished all the 'honey do's' she wanted from me but she is not here to know it.”  It may be funny to say you don’t need to remind a man every six moths to do something, He’ll eventually do it.

Guys, your wife will fight like a tiger for your love and affection but over time taking all that she is and does for granted as though you had some other love will end badly. Your wife wants your love, she wants to spend time with you, she needs you to affirm again and again that you need and want her. Remember those wedding day words, “Forsaking all others I take you?” . . . well, she needs and wants to hear them and see them in action. My brother you had her love when you left the church on your wedding day and you still have it now so don't loose it through inattention.

 If you find yourself on the precipice then remember the words of Jesus to the Ephesian church, "You have left your first love, Therefore, keep in mind how far you have fallen. Repent and perform the deeds you did at first."

What I am trying to say is, show her you’re on her side. Show her that she is the most important person in your life. She gave her life to you when you were married don’t let that prove to be a mistake.  Be her friend . . . . Be her support . . . . Be her cheer leader . . . . Be her safe place. 

Take her hand when she’s at her best and even better take her hand when she’s at her worst. whether it’s mentally or physically and notice her. See her and choose her through the highs and the lows, and all in between of life. “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death. This is my solemn vow." Through the bad times and the good. The tiring and the fun. Choose her, Every second, every minute and every day.”

I have heard this story told several times over the years but the truth it conveys is timeless. "My mom always cooked tasty food. But, one day she put a burnt pie in front of dad. Not just a little burnt but, black as coal. I waited to see what dad would say. But he just ate the pie and asked “How was your day?” Then I heard mom apologize to him for his supper. I'll never forget his response. "Darling, I liked your pie." Later, I asked him if he had told the truth. He put his arm on my shoulder and said, "Your mom had a tough day at work, she was tired. The burnt pie didn't harm me but, a sharp word could have hurt her." We all make mistakes. We shouldn't focus on mistakes but, support those we love.

Gentlemen, Love your wife not just in word but in deed as well. My Christian brother, “Love your wife as Christ has loved the church.”

Ladies, I’d love to hear what you think.

Single Seniors and Isolation

I recently read a piece on a friends Facebook timeline about the “tragedies” of older single adults. I don’t know that I would refer to them so much as tragedies as I would an unfortunate state of affairs. Additionally, I would not even attempt to assign any order of importance to these unfortunate circumstances in which most single senior adults must deal. For some finances are the major issue in their life. For others it might be loneliness.

However, whatever the specific concerns and their order of importance the one common denominator that seems to permeate the life of single seniors is isolation. This feeling of isolation only serves to exacerbate the other issue they face.  They have spent their whole life solving most of the issues of need and want in their life. Much of what they did supplied a sense of significance that every human needs. 

Much of their life, and yours as well, has been spent in a search for significance. When we were young it may have been found in our school relationships and activities. Later we found it in our job or profession. Many found it in raising their families. We may even have found it in our service through our churches or other service institutions. Sadly, little in what we did all of our life prepares us for the aloneness of being a single senior.

Personally, I know what it is like as a single senior to try and find significance. It takes a lot of faith in God to not fall into the trap of believing that you no longer matter. In my case I spent my whole life with people around . . . not underfoot but around. Beginning with my wife who was at my side for 60 plus year and almost 55 of those as my wife, my companion, my confidant, and my lover. She gave me that sense of significance I craved and that simple “aroundness” that I needed. I frequently felt I could take on anything as long as she was with me. I think most seniors feel that way about each other. Then the thing you dread the most happens. Your spouse takes their heavenly flight and suddenly you are alone. Alone in a way and to a depth you have never before experienced. But have no fear, should the Lord tarry, “your day will come” and you will be reminded by well-meaning folks that you are not alone because the Lord is with you.

As strange as it may seem to those not living that experience being told that the Lord is with you, while true, is not particularly reassuring. To be sure, those single seniors who are Christians know that the Lord is with them. They have spent their entire lives trusting Him and in fellowship with Him. Very few single senior Christians need to be reminded that “the Lord, the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (1 Chronicles 28:20) They have lived their entire lives trusting the Lord.

But after hearing it again and again it takes on the meaning, whether true or not, of “I don’t have time for you.” Single seniors begin to feel like the perpetual bridesmaid but never the bride or the young wife who is the only one in her group of girlfriends still without a child. We are social being. God created us that way. Hence after creating man God observed that it was not good for a man to be alone so enter stage left . . . woman. As long as man and woman lived and interacted with increasing unity their basic social needs were met. That is why married seniors fair better than single seniors. They have each other. Single seniors need social interaction, mental stimulation, positive emotional stimulus and physical contact to remain vibrant human beings.

I sometimes think that is the reason God allowed second marriages after the death of a spouse. It is to fill that need for basic social interactions. Until sin entered the picture it appears that death was not a part of man’s existence. They were to spend eternity becoming one. Problem solved. But alas, sin did become a part of man’s experience and with it came death and aloneness. 

I suppose there are a multitude of reasons (those reasons can just as easily be excuses) for the feeling of isolation experienced by single seniors. The one I hear the most is that people are just too busy to check in on those who live alone.  

It is just a sad fact of life that lifelong friends are either in the same boat or fast getting into that boat. They are hampered by health issues, financial issues, or great distances that pretty much confine them. Sadder yet is when senior singles family members (understand children & grandchildren) are busy with their own lives and seldom think about their single family member. All of these are legitimate reasons and offer a good explanation, but they are also excuses used to salve our conscience. All of this contributes to the feeling and belief of the single senior that, “I just don’t matter. If I died today, who would care or even notice?”

All I can say here is that regarding the single seniors in your life you must be intentional, or you will unintentionally be using excuses instead of giving reasons.  

Depression is often a result of extended isolation.  Depression can lead to other health issues.  Just because a single senior is still working does not mean they don’t get lonely and long to see, hear, and touch the people they love. What can we do to help? 

“It is not good for man to be alone” but

I have wanted to say this for some time now but didn’t know just how to say it. I still don’t know how to say it without sounding critical, self-serving and/or running the risk of it being misunderstood, misapplied, or hurting or offending feelings and sensibilities.  However, I feel the need to say it because I think what I have to share is secretly felt by a large number of people.

I have learned a lot since Susan went to be with the Lord nearly a year ago. I have learned just how painful the pain the loss of a lifetime soulmate can be. It matters very little what you know cognitively or hold by faith, the sense of loss cuts to the bone. If I live to be 100, I will never judge someone else’s feelings. I will not question their faith, their love for God or their commitment to the Lord Jesus. The only thing I can liken the pain of such loss is the pain of our Lord when on the cross he experienced separation from one person from whom he had never been separated . . . the Father. It is soul pain that results from a wounded soul.

So, there you have one of the pains I and so many that I know have walked with this past year. However, that is not the only pain. I can tell you that I have never felt as alone and isolated as I have this past year. To be sure there have been activities, comings and goings but the “alone time” has been enormously pervasive. 

The initial pain of separation blends with the the pain of an ever-increasing isolation. After a short time, you begin to realize that people who used to just drop by for coffee don’t come as often, soon you find yourself looking forward to sales calls just to have someone with whom to speak. Oh, you try to stay active, but you soon discover that busyness doesn’t solve or resolve anything . . . . if anything it merely delays it. 

You discover the truth of Scripture, “It is not good for man to be alone.” A young man has the bride of his youth and when that union develops as God planed and they become one flesh there is no substitute for the spouse who now resides in the heavens. Personally, I do not need another wife and I have not burning desire to find another. God blessed me with as wonderful a woman as has graced this planet to be my wife and for reasons known only to Him he chose to take her home after allowing her in my life for more than 60 years and nearly 55 of those was husband and wife. He guided us along the pathway He charted for us and brought us into oneness. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a plan “B”. 

Oh, there are those who will say, “God brought someone else into my life to meet that need for companionship.”  I am about that as I am the pain mentioned above. If that is how you see your experience then far be it for me question it. However, when taken as a whole the one common element is “loneliness.”  Some years ago I coined the term “aroundness.” We all seem to miss what I call the “aroundness” of our spouse.  What we are looking for is not another husband or wife but we are looking to replace the “aroundness” that has been taken from us when our spouse departed. I suggest that this is explains the speed with which many marry after the death of their spouse. 

However, I will note that not all marriages are made in heaven . . . that is arranged by God as a part of His eternal purposes. People marry for all sorts of reasons. I know people who married to get out of a dysfunctional home or meet some other need. In time they grow to love one another and God may well bless their union and through His grace and by the Holy Spirit lead them into oneness. 

Don’t misunderstand me here. I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with marrying again after the death of a spouse. Those who know me well know that I have a guiding principle that I apply to these kinds of things. It is, “God does not regulate that which He prohibits and He does not prohibit that which He regulates.”  In my mind, marriage after the death of ones spouse fits into the same category as divorce. In both cases God regulates it and therefore it is permitted. There are a lot of reasons why God may have chosen that route and I suggest that I Corinthians 7:9 where Paul says, “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn” might be one. In our instance the death of a spouse seems to be another. 

I would point out that Paul, who most scholars affirm was a widower, suggested that they remain single. He does point out that it is his personal judgment and not a divine word from the Lord. 

From my perspective no one can ever replace what Susan brought to our oneness. I will never achieve that with another person. It is a onetime eternal condition that takes quantity of time to evolve. But the sense of “aroundness” that Susan brought to my life can be replicated, duplicated or even substituted for. 

Some might suggest that what I am talking about is a companion. I would not argue with that.

My First Mother's Day as a Widower

This year as I think about the upcoming Sunday (07 May 2022) I do so with a heavy heart. It is the first time in more than 50 years that I have not had the mother of my children sitting at my side as we celebrate our mothers. 

Mother's Day is the perfect occasion for a husband to tell his wife just how wonderful she is as a mother. Unfortunately for me and others like me it is a time of remembering just how wonderful a mother she was. 

So, as I sit here anticipating my first Mother’s Day as a widower, I’m overwhelmed with emotions.  There really are no words to adequately express the feelings that are running through me. When the person with whom you created life with has died, this day is most certainly a complicated package of feelings.

I want to shout, yell and holler from the rooftops and say, “You see how great a mom Susan was.” Look how our children turned out . . . . that was her doing!  I want to remind them that it is hard work being a mom especially as a pastor’s wife. I want to take out a newspaper ad that tells everyone how even when Susan was exhausted she persevered and then she’d get up the next day an do it all over again. I want to tell her that I am proud of her and the work she does to ensure our gang of four (if you include me that would be gang of five), not only survived, but thrived. I’m so proud of the mothering she did. Her strength, resilience and humor is shows up in all our lives. I want to tell her one more time, “Sweetheart you are not like the Proverbs 31 woman you ARE that woman.” 

I want to do all those things and more to honor the woman who was the beat of my heart. But (don’t you just love that word “but”) as much as I want to honor her even though she is not here for the first time in more than fifty years, I am filled with crushing sadness and piercing loneliness.  I have life partner into whose eyes I can look and say something hokey like, “You really are the greatest mother that ever lived.” She seemed to love hearing it as much as I loved saying it to her. 

I remember shortly before Susan and I married we were talking about what we wanted to be in life. It was easy for me because God had already laid a claim on my life and called me to preach. We both already knew about me. When I asked her about what she wanted out of life she replied in her own self-effacing way, “All I have ever wanted to be is a wife and mother.”

On December 23, 1966 she became a wife as we pledged our mutual commitments to live together as husband and wife and then on June 25, 1969 she became a mother. Four times during our marriage she walked through the valley of the shadow of death to give birth to our children. 

For the rest of her life she lived her dream. I’d just like to be able to tell her one more time just how great a mom she was.

It Is Not Always Health, Wealth and Prosperity

I don't know if you read the Book of Job very often let alone dwell on Job's speeches therein. 

I love his affirmation in 13:13 where he says to his supposed friends, "Hold your peace, let me alone, that I may speak, and let come on me what will."  I cannot count the times along life's pathway I have wanted to tell some companion, "Would you just shut up long enough to hear what I am saying" Like Job’s friends they are completely misreading what is going on. 

Job’s friends just keep insisting that all the calamities that have come upon him are the result of some sin in Job’s life. Their spiritual insight is limited to what their eyes of flesh see, and their flawed theology tells them. In their minds no one would suffer as Job has suffered unless they have done something terribly offensive to God.

But Job understands better than they that not all suffering is the result of sin and not all prosperity is the product of righteous living. Job knows his own heart and he has not forgotten his own behavior. Job would never say he has not sinned, but he would quickly tell you he has done nothing to offend God. He also knew that those same calamities were testing his faith in a big-time way.

His wife also knew he was a righteous man and had done nothing to warrant such sorrow. She just saw God as unfair and that Job should just curse God for the way He has allowed Job, and by extension her, suffer and just go ahead and die and be done with all this.

As an aside I want to point out that Job’s wife gets something of a bum rap for telling Job to curse God and die but we forget that she has suffered the same loses as has Job. Her world has crumbled . . . she too has lost everything and on top of all that she watched as her husband deteriorated. 

But back to Job. Job knew that there must be a reason for his condition besides his personal sin. Something else was going on and he was caught up in it. I know it is not a popular theme in our feel-good health and wealth religious culture but our suffering as God’s people is not always because of our sin. We miss understand our God when we say He wants His people to be “happy.”  What He wants I for His people to be faithful when they abound and also when they are abased. 

Sometimes we endure hardship, suffering and loss not because of sin but for the glory of God. Dear friends, it is true God wants us to live for him. But John Wesley hit on an eternal truth when he said of those early Methodist, “Our people die well.”  In prosperity or in poverty; in health or in sickness; through trial and tribulation what God wants is for His people to be faithful. He still really does expect us to die for Him.  

Job wanted God to explain what was going on. He was not judging God he was imploring Him. That’s why in verses fourteen and fifteen he announces to His friends that he will be responsible for his life and the way he has lived it and what is more he says he will not change anything about his life or his faith. He will not confess what he has not done, and he fully intends to keep on living as he has in the past. He knew better than they that God was not punishing him for some sinful way. He understood that whatever was going on it wasn’t happening because God was disappointed in him. Actually, he was where he was because he was faithful beyond reproach. He and his family were paying a high cost precisely because of Job’s faithfulness. 

“He also shall be my salvation: for a hypocrite shall not come before him.” Job never wavered in his faith or his faithfulness. He demonstrated to not only Satan but to everyone who knew of him that his faith was genuine. I suppose Job also learned a lot about himself in the process.

All of us go through difficult times that are not punishment for some sin. Mine was the rapid decline and loss of my wife of 54-1/2 years to pancreatic cancer. It seemed that one day we were laughing and enjoying our lives with so many plans for the future and the next we were plunged into pain, sorrow and suffering on a scale never before experienced by us. We struggled with the same issues with which Job grappled. 

I have friends whose whole life has been marked by suffering and pain both physically, emotionally and spiritually. They have faithfully served and sacrificially given to the Lord and yet life for them has been one step forwards and three steps backward. Their life has been marked by very few of the things we think of “the blessings of God.” There life has been as example of faithfulness to God; it has sparked genuine gratitude to God from those materially blessed; their life has had purpose . . . it has meaning beyond the physical.

Truth is that is all Susan and I wanted . . . . we wanted what we were enduring to have meaning to us and to others. That’s precisely what Job wanted . . . . God is not capricious . . . . everything He does is with purpose and has meaning. We must remember that we are not our own because we have been bought at a price, namely, the blood of Jesus. God has the right to use us in was of His own choosing. We must come to the place where we can say, “Nevertheless not my will but thine be done” and when we have come I come through the fire all I want hear is “well done thou good and faithful servant.

Like it or not sometimes people suffer for the glory of God. “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.”

Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!"

I am Thankful today for friends and family both here and in eternity. And I can honestly say I am looking forward to that great reunion day. 

I was reflecting just yesterday on all the people who have touched my life in both big and small ways and how their coming into my life has blessed my life. Each one of you, many who may not remember where or when we met or maybe whether or not we have met, have touched my life in some way and now you are forever a part of the tapestry of who I have become. Thank you!

I am thankful that God loved me and that He loved me enough to give His son for me. I am thankful that He called me to salvation and then placed in my heart not only the call to preach but the desire to preach the unsearchable riches of God's love and grace in Christ Jesus.  

I am thankful that God put a young woman in my life who was the perfect pastor’s wife. We were not the same in so many ways. But we both Loved the Lord. When our hands touched and our lips met as teenagers, I only thought I had won her heart and she only thought she had captured mine. As time passed, we came to see that the reason we had the lifetime love affair with each other is because God was our matchmaker. We didn’t choose each other . . . no indeed. God gave us to each other as a part of His purposes.. 

This year I want to add to my “Thank you.” I say, "Thank You, Lord" for allowing Susan and I to have a life together here in this world that spanned more than 60 years . . . . 54-1/2 of those as husband and wife.  I cannot remember a time in our life together that the Lord did not supply our needs - both great and small. By His grace we achieved what so few couples obtain . . . we literally became one flesh in the fullest sense of that terminology. Somewhere along the journey we ceased to be two travelers on the same road and became a single traveler that embodied the two of us. 

Thanksgiving 2021 was the hardest of my life. Susan and I as we became one flesh ceased to experience the same things separately. Somewhere along the way we began to share them singularly. Now I face life without a part of who I am. It is not a matter of discovering the new me . . . the one without Susan because that person does not exist. I still experience life as if she were present . . . . and, in some way she is and always will be. 

Our relationship never was superficial but over a lifetime our union became stronger and deeper spiritually. Somewhere along life's journey she got into my heart and into my soul and I did the same with her. This is why when someone asked me about her passing, I responded with, “It feels like someone has ripped out a large part of my soul.”  And that my friend is something only God can do. Our spiritual DNA is the same. 

As mentioned above, this is the first Thanksgiving in over 60 years when we did not celebrate the blessings of God together and I must tell you it seems so strange and wrongheaded to me right now. But I know God did not make a mistake when he brought us together as a couple back in the 1960's and He did not make a mistake when he led us into becoming one flesh and while I don’t understand all that He is doing right now He did not make a mistake when He called Susan home. 

Let me be clear . . . . Susan and my life together are a reflection of what God is doing in bring redemption to mankind. I now know something of how Jesus felt when at about the ninth hour He cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?' that is, 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?' The separation I felt at Susan’s home-going is reflective of the separation Jesus felt that day. To be sure, what I have experienced is not the same as to the reason for the separation or the degree and depth that it was felt but it gives me a deeper understanding and a greater appreciation for what He endured for me. 

Now for some speculative thanksgiving. I have every reason to believe that just as the separation of Jesus from the Father because Jesus became sin was but for a short time so the separation that death (the first cousin of sin) brought to Susan and myself will also be short lived. I fully expect to join her in Paradise either through passing through my own death experience or when I experience the transformation from the physical to the spiritual realm when Jesus returns for His own.

Now here is something glorious about that One Flesh thing I mentioned earlier . . . all that death is capable of doing is separating the body from the spirit and soul. We often speak of Christ in us as the hope of glory and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Hence, we are connected to God the Father through Jesus His son and the Holy Spirit (Spirit of God) who abides within us (in our soul and spirit). 

Well, something similar, though not the same, takes place in the becoming one flesh process. Without spelling out all the theology of “One Flesh” suffice it to say it involves all aspects of our person . . . . body soul and spirit. There is a song that has the lines . . . “I said I'm wrapped up, tied up, tangled up in Jesus, He's all I need.”  

Becoming one flesh is being wrapped up, tied up, tangled up body and spirit with each other. It is two people, a man and a woman, becoming something new, something that did not exist before, in both time and kind. It is something that God enables and something that cannot be undone. It is becoming one as Jesus and the Father are one. Small wonder that Paul would use this oneness of marriage to help us understand the nature of the church and the church's relationship to Jesus. 

I cannot reach out and touch her and I cannot sit and hold her hand because she has at God’s bidding laid down the body that constrained her. When she laid that body aside, she flew away to Jesus and Paradise where she now awaits the day I take my flight and join her in paradise. But in the meanwhile, our love goes on . . . love never fails . . . love never ends.

So, Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!" Thank You for being so good to me . . . Thank you for letting Susan love me and I her. Because you did, I better understand your love for us . . . . for me.

I Love How You Love Me

It has been eleven months since the love of my life left for her eternal home and I still miss just about everything about her . . . . her voice . . . . her touch . . .  her look . . . . the way she smelled and the way she smiled. But, most of all I missed the way that she loved me.

Next to the love of God working in my life Susan is the best thing that ever happened to me. Truth is, Susan was and, in some ways still is, a part of the Lord's working in my life. I have written in the past about how God brought us together and the miracles he wrought to do that. We, in looking back over the years, could easily discern the hand of God working to bring us together and then to grow us into oneness. Our relationship was the Lord's doing and it marveled us as we lived it and then when we looked back on it. 

I have been unapologetic in stating that Susan taught me how to love. She did it without uttering a word or giving advice. Her whole life was about loving others, but it was more than that. The way that she loved reflected the love of God being shed abroad as she lived each day. Every day of my life I knew that she loved me unconditionally with her whole heart. It was reciprocal. 

I remember our first kiss and how my knees went weak but I also remember our last kiss. It was on the day that she left for heaven. That kiss touched my soul. We never kissed that I did not feel the powerful love she had for me. We often, especially in our later years, referred to our marriage as our life-long love affair because that is really what it was. No other human being touched my soul the way she did. She was truly God’s love gift to me.

When you love the way we do even something as simple as glace of them across the room causes strong feelings of affection and attachment. As lovers after God’s own heart we have this overwhelming urge to do whatever you can to bring happiness to each other. 

Love is indeed a feeling, but love is also and action and the best kind of love is both at the same time. Love is a feeling that produces a love action in response to that love feeling. Truly loving someone means caring for them in the ways that they need to be cared for, with no strings attached. It is what the Bible calls Oneness and making up what is lacking but needed in one another.

I tell you it may take two to Tango but someone has to ask for the dance. It was while learning to dance with each other that we earned how each other needed to do the dance. We danced and we danced and we danced until no one noticed us anymore, they just saw the dance. Some people get lost in the 50's but Susan and I got lost in each other. I believe that was God’s purpose for our life together.

Randy Travis said it in a country way when he wrote and sang . . . “My love is deeper than the holler, Stronger than the river, Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill. My love is purer than the snowflakes, That fall in late December, And honest as a Robin on a springtime window sill, And longer than the song of a whippoorwill”

Barry Mann and Larry Kolber wrote a song first recorded by the Paris Sisters that could in many ways be how we thought of each other. The song is “I love How You Love Me.” When two people love how they love each other it just doesn’t get any better this side of heaven . . . I say it is a little piece of heaven on Earth.

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your heart beats
Whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
Without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

There is no greater love than what Jesus has for you and me and apparently Susan took Jesus seriously. In John 15:12 Jesus said, “I want you to love one another, as I have loved you.”  That’s what Susan did and I am better for it. What makes this so wonderful is the fact that she had no idea the impact of her life of loving changed other people's lives . . . . not insignificantly, my life. She taught me how to love by just being who God made her to be. 

And me, I just praise His holy name because He chose me to be the one to be loved by her. Just convinces me the more how great is the love of God . . . .

My friends, let God love through you . . . it will make you a great lover.

Is a Happy Marriage Just Dumb Luck?

Every now and again someone will remark to me how lucky I was to have had a long happy marriage. I must confess, I am indeed happy to have had a long and happy marriage. However, I do not relegate that happiness in my marriage to luck.  Marriage was ordained of God with purpose before the fall of man. For a marriage to be successful it must fulfill God's purpose for it (note: I did not say a happy marriage. I said successful one). There is no such thing as luck when it comes to a happy fulfilling marriage.

I think people should understand the marriage is not the place where you develop your individuality. It is the context to which you bring your individuality and blend it with that of your marital partner so that over time the two become one. Marriage requires both giving and receiving . . . it is a sharing relationship. 

My number one goal in my marriage was to honor my wife, Susan. Her number one responsibility to our marriage was to honor me. It is also important to understand that and how it works in a growth experience where we help one another on the journey. It is the process of becoming one flesh.

Honestly folks if you would just take the principles enunciated in 1st Corinthians 13 and apply them to your marriage relationship, I believe you would discover a happier and more satisfying marriage. Keep in mind that the chapter closes by saying now abideth these three, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love . . . Love never fails.”  I must point out that while love never fails people often do. Therefore, keep no record of wrongs.

Susan and I spent most of our lives building on the relationship that we had before we married. Each of us believed very strongly that ours was literally a marriage made in heaven. We believed our coming together as husband and wife was a part of God’s plan for each of us. We further believe that God moved in our lives in such a way as to bring us together as young teens. 

In addition to believing that God has brought us together as husband and wife, namely, that he has chosen us to be husband and wife before we actually knew one another, that he put us together for His purposes and not ours. What I’m trying to say is that from even before we decided to get married, we both had a sense of God’s calling on our lives. So, I can say without reservation or fear of contradiction when God put Susan in my life, he gave me the perfect companion for my calling and my temperament.  

Because we believe that we had been chosen by God for each other and that as a couple He had chosen for some purpose we took seriously the vows that we made on our wedding day. The goal of our marriage, whether stated or just assumed, was that one day we would cease to be two separate entities and become one in the Lord. 

The promises we made to each other on a cold Winter’s Night on December 23, 1966, were more than simply words repeated in the ceremony. Our promises to love one another, support one another and to care for one another were made in all earnest and seriousness. They were promises made to one another in the presence of God’s people and in the sight of the Almighty himself. Those words should not and for us as God's children could not be taken lightly. I also recall that they included a promise to one another to help each other find our fulfillment as a person. In short you might say that when we said, "I do we really meant I will until the end of time." 

It was clear to us that after our devotion to God and our commitment to one another were of the highest priority. Susan was to come before everyone else in my life and I was the priority of her life. We firmly believed that if we took care of our relationship, we could better maintain all others, including those with our children. It was equally clear that unless we kept our relationship with God in order, we couldn't keep our own relationship together. I once told a man in an interview that our marriage was a success because it was a threesome . . . me, Susan and the Lord.

From the moment that we said I do, and even before that, we focused our attention on one another. By that I mean that we were always seeking ways to please each other. Rare was the occasion where either of us sought to find what we could get out of the relationship for ourselves. The irony of our relationship was that at our core we were very much the same are public personas . . . but we were hardly similar.

With that said I also need to point out that’s simply because we believe God has brought us together and we had promised to be faithful and true and supportive of one another all the days of our life does not mean our journey of love did not have its difficult times. For us however those proved to be just difficulties along the way that served to strengthen our bond in the Lord.

Like I said in the beginning, I am happy that Susan and I had a good marriage relationship. I know that many do not, and I suppose there are as many reasons for that as there are people struggling in their relationships. But I am convinced, based upon my own experience, that when we are able to put self aside and think only of the well-being of our spouse, we have a good chance of having a good happy marriage.

Susan and I found that we could not build are relationship without being together a great deal of the time. It is a myth that you can have quality time without quantity of time. Make the most of the time you have together. Create ways to make more time together possible . . . share life.

I want to add that having a good marriage for many years does not mean the things were always easy or that you are happy all the time. There is an old saying among Baptist that goes like this, “Lord you keep the pastor humble at will keeping poor.” To say the least, trying to maintain a household with four children during early Ministry was a financial challenge. I mention financial challenges because it seems the finances are a major source of conflict in marriages

For example, very first church that I served as pastor I was paid a grand total of $9,800 a year. Of that at least $980 a year went back to the church in the form of a tithe. Remember, they kept the records. Then there were they myriad of special mission and love offerings. I only mention that to point out that not only did we have early marriage adjustment, but financial matters were always an issue in our household. Fortunately for us the Lord always provided what we needed, and we were content with what He provided even when we were not always happy to do without the things we may have wanted. We learned to live without them. The one thing that came from our financial struggles was not conflict but cooperation. Susan learned to cloth and feed our family creatively. She seemed to always find the bargains. Parenthetically, I learned allow her great leeway with the household budget.

Another area that often becomes an issue in marriage is marital intimacy. Husbands tend to be demanding wives tend to want to negotiate. I can honestly say this was never an area of difficulty for Susan and myself. When we got married, we were like two calves looking at a new gate. It was on the job training for us, but it was never a tool to be used it was always a gift to be given. Quite frankly we considered all of our married life the intimacy between a husband and wife a holy thing for which we ought to be able to give thanks to God. But we also learned to honor one another in this area as well.

So, when you see a couple, you have been married for decades don’t think it was just dumb luck. Like I said in the beginning, there is no such thing as luck when it comes to a good marriage. They have overlooked many of failing shortcoming and fault they spent their years together learning and understanding one another. Loving has never been a matter of luck it is mutual giving sharing, caring, mercy, patience and yes, from time-to-time submission to one another. But in our case, the real secret ingredient was God active and involved in our lives. 

Being married is summed up in the verse that says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his
mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Becoming one flesh has everything to do with sharing your lives together as husband and wife. You don’t only share a home and a bed. You’ll share joy and sorrow. You’ll share your hopes and fears. You’ll share your successes and failures. You’ll share your money and possessions. You’ll share your bodies and souls. You share everything with each other. And in the process, God weaves you together as one. You’re two people truly united.

When I Said, "I Will" , , , , I Meant, "Forever."

I have been conditioned by God over more than 60 years of companionship with the same person (almost 55 as a married couple) into the person I am.  No two people ever loved as did Susan and me. Other's may have done as well but none better or deeper. We truly became one flesh in the full spiritual meaning of that term.

Since Susan has finished her course and has now entered her rest in God’s paradise, I get asked occasionally how I feel about getting married again. A number of my friends who have lost their spouses were married again in less than a year from their spouse’s passing. If I were to follow their pattern I’d be getting married within the next couple of months. 

(At this point I need to tell you that I am not passing judgement on anyone one else’s choices in this regard. I am simply sharing my journey.) 

When asked I usually deflect the question by saying something like, “Right now that is the farthest thing from my mind. I am just trying really hard to get through today.” Or, I might say, “I don’t know what God has for me going forward, this is all new to me, even the old stuff has changed, and I am adjusting to too many other things to give that any thought.”

I am also amazed at our capacity to “put on a happy face” when in reality we are broken and poured out. I suppose that is in part because we are trying to pull ourselves out of our personal slough of despondency and in part, we sense that in those around us are growing weary as we struggle for some sense of normalcy. Or perhaps it is the difference in the loves we share.

Truth is, I don’t like being alone so much of the time. But, at the same time, I’m not sure I want a wife either. I’d love someone to share things with . . . someone with whom to have an affectionate relationship and not so much romantic one. A friend who was widowed within the last year about this and I remember saying to him. “I am not closed to the idea of remarriage, but God would have to put her in my lap and then slap me on the back of my head if it is going to ever happen. 

I believe Susan and I did not choose each other. Oh, to be sure we were attracted to one another, and we made choices that brought us together. But as life was being lived, we discovered that our choices were nothing the fulfilling God’s will for our lives. We came to believe that God had chosen us from the foundation of the world to be husband and wife. I know, few will accept this, but I remind you that God does these sort of things and probably more frequently than we think.  

We believe that God created us for each other, and God brought us together. We were each other’s destiny. We were meant for each other. This accounts for the width and length and height and depth of our love. Susan loved the way God does and from her I spent a lifetime learning the real meaning of “Agape love.”  She loved me the way God loved me, and she trusted me the way we should trust God. She could do that because she loved God with her whole heart, mind and sou. It was the only way she knew how to do love and it made her beautiful person. 

That love pulled from me the kind of love that is totally committed to the one who loves me. Susan knew that I would lay down my life for her. I remember when I learned she had pancreatic cancer I went to my office and as I wept, I cried out “O my dear Susan! My precious Susan, I wish to God it was me and not you!” In those moments this David felt like his namesake, King David at the death of his son. It took months after she went to be with the Lord for me to say from my heart to God, “Lord, you gave her to me and you have taken her to yourself, blessed is your name.” 

This love affair that Susan and I shared did developed over a lifetime, but it was ordained from before we met. God had birthed us for each other. The astrologer would say our stars where rightly aligned and the biologist that our chromosomes were perfectly matched, but we believed God would say “my will, will be done. “

(Want to know the whole story of how we came together . . . buy the book when it is done.) 

I believe some couples who God joins have a unique spiritual identity. Just as a baby has an equal number of chromosomes from their father and mother that makes them unique in the world, so a couple brought together by God have an equal number of spiritual chromosomes that make them into the complete person God wants them to be. Jesus once said about such a couple “So they are no longer two, but one flesh.” (Matthew 19:6) Paul magnifies this in Ephesians he speaks of this as a profound mystery that it is illustrative of the relationship between the church and Christ. 

We find ourselves wondering why some seem to recover from their grief in short order and then there are those for whom it is a daily struggle without an end in sight. Believe me when I say, “I cast no aspersions on anyone. Whatever you must do to find a normal life take it as from the Lord and embrace it.”  

However, my analytical mind is always searching for the reasons behind things. I am interested in the fact . . . the “what is.” But I seem to have an insatiable need for the “how” and the “why” of things. So, when it comes to loss . . . especially the loss of a one spouse in a couple that has achieved a high degree of "oneness" . . . it is as though, and maybe because it has, half of your soul has been ripped from you. Precisely where I find myself.

I think the depth of grief is directly proportional to the degree that a husband and wife fulfilled God’s intention for them to become “One.” It appears to me that the intensity of the “oneness determines the intensity of the grief when God removes half of that union.

What do I mean by “oneness?” Oneness is the product of building a relationship that transcends the physical and embraces the spiritual. Oneness is the product of a man and a woman coming to the place where they love each other like God loves them. It is a couple whose love has grown from the eros of the flesh through the phileo of men until it has become agape of God.  

It is that rare couple who have successfully navigated life together. They have reached the place in their relationship where they love each other with their whole heart. Their relationship with one another becomes an expression of the way God loves us. They are in union at every level of our human existence and at the highest levels of intensity: body, soul and spirit. 

Some would say, “That sounds like idolatry to me.” I will concede that it could sound like idolatry but not that it is idolatry. Idolatry would mean that you love your spouse more than you love God and that you place them above God.  Idolatry is not possible because it is both the nature and intensity of our love for God that enables us to love one another at such levels. 

Rather than idolatry I suggest to you that it is more likely to become an example of (1) how God loves, (2) how we are to love God and (3) how other husbands and wives are to love each other. It is one aspect of Jesus word when he said, “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; even as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:34) and again, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” (Ephesians 5:25.) If anything, it is evidence of the height, depth and breadth of our love for God.

It is God’s love for us that enables us to say, “Jesus is Lord.” It is His loving lordship that enables us to love as does He. In First John 1 John tells us, “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins . . . we love him, because he first loved us. Our love for God and our ability to love like God comes from God Himself. 

Indeed, we are to strive to love as God loves. It is not the kind of love that we have but the priority that we place on the object of our love. God is first among equals only when we speak of the Holy Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). Otherwise, there is none like unto Him in all the earth. Our love is to ultimately be like God’s love for us . . . Agape.”

Now, back to the husband-and-wife expression of love. The marriage relationship is the only context in which love in its most complete and fullest sense (body, soul and spirit) can take place that is morally acceptable to God. Marriage is th only place where love can be expressed at every level of our being and toward God at the same time. This process of learning to love as God loves within the marriage context is the heart and soul of husband/wife oneness. 

It is the relationship between a man and a woman in which every aspect of their live is supercharged by the love of God . . . it is where what is done in the body is in harmony with what abides in the soul and energized by the spirit. It is within this kind of marriage relationship that we will have some understanding of the “breadth, and length, and depth, and height . . . of the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge . . . .” (Ephesians 5:18-19).

There is so much that could and probably should be said about the oneness between a husband and wife that obtains this level but suffice it to say that when the earthly journey of one of the spouses living in such a God joined union the effects are extraordinarily painful. My first response when Susan left to be with Jesus was, now I better understand how Jesus felt when he cried out to the Father, My God, My God why hast though forsaken me.” It seems the separation of God for Him was worse that the becoming sin.

The deeper the love in life the longer the pain after death. I have been conditioned by God over more than 60 years of companionship with the same person (almost 55 as a married couple) into the person I am and now for the first time I feel the forsakenness of which Jesus spoke that day on the Cross. With Job “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless, I will argue my ways before Him. This also will be my salvation . . . ." (Job 13:15-16).