Is a Happy Marriage Just Dumb Luck?

Every now and again someone will remark to me how lucky I was to have had a long happy marriage. I must confess, I am indeed happy to have had a long and happy marriage. However, I do not relegate that happiness in my marriage to luck.  Marriage was ordained of God with purpose before the fall of man. For a marriage to be successful it must fulfill God's purpose for it (note: I did not say a happy marriage. I said successful one). There is no such thing as luck when it comes to a happy fulfilling marriage.

I think people should understand the marriage is not the place where you develop your individuality. It is the context to which you bring your individuality and blend it with that of your marital partner so that over time the two become one. Marriage requires both giving and receiving . . . it is a sharing relationship. 

My number one goal in my marriage was to honor my wife, Susan. Her number one responsibility to our marriage was to honor me. It is also important to understand that and how it works in a growth experience where we help one another on the journey. It is the process of becoming one flesh.

Honestly folks if you would just take the principles enunciated in 1st Corinthians 13 and apply them to your marriage relationship, I believe you would discover a happier and more satisfying marriage. Keep in mind that the chapter closes by saying now abideth these three, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love . . . Love never fails.”  I must point out that while love never fails people often do. Therefore, keep no record of wrongs.

Susan and I spent most of our lives building on the relationship that we had before we married. Each of us believed very strongly that ours was literally a marriage made in heaven. We believed our coming together as husband and wife was a part of God’s plan for each of us. We further believe that God moved in our lives in such a way as to bring us together as young teens. 

In addition to believing that God has brought us together as husband and wife, namely, that he has chosen us to be husband and wife before we actually knew one another, that he put us together for His purposes and not ours. What I’m trying to say is that from even before we decided to get married, we both had a sense of God’s calling on our lives. So, I can say without reservation or fear of contradiction when God put Susan in my life, he gave me the perfect companion for my calling and my temperament.  

Because we believe that we had been chosen by God for each other and that as a couple He had chosen for some purpose we took seriously the vows that we made on our wedding day. The goal of our marriage, whether stated or just assumed, was that one day we would cease to be two separate entities and become one in the Lord. 

The promises we made to each other on a cold Winter’s Night on December 23, 1966, were more than simply words repeated in the ceremony. Our promises to love one another, support one another and to care for one another were made in all earnest and seriousness. They were promises made to one another in the presence of God’s people and in the sight of the Almighty himself. Those words should not and for us as God's children could not be taken lightly. I also recall that they included a promise to one another to help each other find our fulfillment as a person. In short you might say that when we said, "I do we really meant I will until the end of time." 

It was clear to us that after our devotion to God and our commitment to one another were of the highest priority. Susan was to come before everyone else in my life and I was the priority of her life. We firmly believed that if we took care of our relationship, we could better maintain all others, including those with our children. It was equally clear that unless we kept our relationship with God in order, we couldn't keep our own relationship together. I once told a man in an interview that our marriage was a success because it was a threesome . . . me, Susan and the Lord.

From the moment that we said I do, and even before that, we focused our attention on one another. By that I mean that we were always seeking ways to please each other. Rare was the occasion where either of us sought to find what we could get out of the relationship for ourselves. The irony of our relationship was that at our core we were very much the same are public personas . . . but we were hardly similar.

With that said I also need to point out that’s simply because we believe God has brought us together and we had promised to be faithful and true and supportive of one another all the days of our life does not mean our journey of love did not have its difficult times. For us however those proved to be just difficulties along the way that served to strengthen our bond in the Lord.

Like I said in the beginning, I am happy that Susan and I had a good marriage relationship. I know that many do not, and I suppose there are as many reasons for that as there are people struggling in their relationships. But I am convinced, based upon my own experience, that when we are able to put self aside and think only of the well-being of our spouse, we have a good chance of having a good happy marriage.

Susan and I found that we could not build are relationship without being together a great deal of the time. It is a myth that you can have quality time without quantity of time. Make the most of the time you have together. Create ways to make more time together possible . . . share life.

I want to add that having a good marriage for many years does not mean the things were always easy or that you are happy all the time. There is an old saying among Baptist that goes like this, “Lord you keep the pastor humble at will keeping poor.” To say the least, trying to maintain a household with four children during early Ministry was a financial challenge. I mention financial challenges because it seems the finances are a major source of conflict in marriages

For example, very first church that I served as pastor I was paid a grand total of $9,800 a year. Of that at least $980 a year went back to the church in the form of a tithe. Remember, they kept the records. Then there were they myriad of special mission and love offerings. I only mention that to point out that not only did we have early marriage adjustment, but financial matters were always an issue in our household. Fortunately for us the Lord always provided what we needed, and we were content with what He provided even when we were not always happy to do without the things we may have wanted. We learned to live without them. The one thing that came from our financial struggles was not conflict but cooperation. Susan learned to cloth and feed our family creatively. She seemed to always find the bargains. Parenthetically, I learned allow her great leeway with the household budget.

Another area that often becomes an issue in marriage is marital intimacy. Husbands tend to be demanding wives tend to want to negotiate. I can honestly say this was never an area of difficulty for Susan and myself. When we got married, we were like two calves looking at a new gate. It was on the job training for us, but it was never a tool to be used it was always a gift to be given. Quite frankly we considered all of our married life the intimacy between a husband and wife a holy thing for which we ought to be able to give thanks to God. But we also learned to honor one another in this area as well.

So, when you see a couple, you have been married for decades don’t think it was just dumb luck. Like I said in the beginning, there is no such thing as luck when it comes to a good marriage. They have overlooked many of failing shortcoming and fault they spent their years together learning and understanding one another. Loving has never been a matter of luck it is mutual giving sharing, caring, mercy, patience and yes, from time-to-time submission to one another. But in our case, the real secret ingredient was God active and involved in our lives. 

Being married is summed up in the verse that says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his
mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Becoming one flesh has everything to do with sharing your lives together as husband and wife. You don’t only share a home and a bed. You’ll share joy and sorrow. You’ll share your hopes and fears. You’ll share your successes and failures. You’ll share your money and possessions. You’ll share your bodies and souls. You share everything with each other. And in the process, God weaves you together as one. You’re two people truly united.