What Others Think of You, Does it Really Matter?

I going to get a little cerebral on you today. You see, lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the question, “Does it really matter what other people think about you?”

On some level I suspect we all believe that it does We may wish that it didn't but alas we fear that at some level it really does matter. Over the years I have attended multiple seminars and workshops on leadership and other related subjects and invariably they have been torn between, “Yes it does matter what others think” and “You’ll never be a great leader if what others think about you is important to you.”  Essentially they end up saying, “You should just stop caring about what others think of you, or stop paying attention to other people’s opinions about you.”

Now I am going to go out on a limb here and say that what others think of you only matters if you allow it to negatively dominate your life and the way you live. Be careful here, I am not saying you should not be aware of other people’s feeling and thinking about you. Others people's feelings and thinking about you can be a great barometer for self evaluation. Just don’t give it more importance than it deserves and always consider the source.

Now having said that, if you are getting a lot of negative feedback from the people around you; when people seem to always be upset with what you say; how you say it; what you do; or how you do it; when those closest to you are seem to always be hurt and offended by your words and actions it is time to do some serious self-evaluation. It is time to start asking the question, “What is there about my attitudes, actions and/or speech that educes so many people to give us negative feedback?”  We really do need to hear what the people around us are saying. Why, because it will enable us to actually determine whether the problem lies within us and is drawing such negative reactions from people or is it from without and just causing us to feel badly.  

Keep in mind I am not talking about the occasional negative feedback. I am talking about a continuous thing that can be expressed by, "Why do people never seem to understand me," or "Why is it people always seem upset with me?" No one will be on great terms with everyone all the time. However, when we seem to always get a negative response it may be time to ask the all important question, "Why?"

Truth is it is easy to blame others. “I am the way I am because  . . . . and, you can name it. Someone or something else is always responsible for our being the way we are. We rarely take responsibility for being the way we are and we rarely try to discover why others have such a negative response to us. We just blame other people and our circumstances and never discover what lies behind all the negative feedback we are receiving.

Negative feedback virtually always causes us some level of emotional pain. And, when we are emotionally hurt by the words or actions of other people we seem to always engage in at least some period of feeling sorry for ourselves. We are the “good guy” and they are the “bad” guys. In short, we often find it easier to live in denial and just say, “They don’t understand me.” The answer is not denial but rather lies in becoming authentic. We simply must seriously consider that the negative response people are having toward us might actually be the appropriate reaction to how we are conducting our lives. They might really represent the authentic us.

Now having said all that we still have not really answered the question, “Does what others think of us really matter?” The answer is,”Only if it allows us to become are authentic self.” The philosopher is correct when he says we must start with, “Know thy self” and “To thine own self be true.”  The answer, yes but only if we use it to discover our own true self.

There is no getting away from this truth:  Our minds seem always to reject responsibility for the negativity directed at us. I recently read what I think is a profound thought that holds that external reality is always a reflection of the mind. That is, “Creation always happens from the inside out and not visa a versa.

I believe it was Jesus who said it is not what goes into a man that defiles him but what comes out of him. In short, regardless of what people think of us our real issues are internal not external. I am who I purpose to be. Your “personal” reality is your responsibility. Others just reflect back to you what that reality is.

So what to do? Well, you have choices here. You can continue to act and speak in ways that cause people to have a negative reaction to you and pretend the whole word is out of whack. You can decide to take a cognitive approach and argue with them that you are a victim of misunderstanding. That is, people don’t know the real you. To really know you is to love you. Problem, how can they really know you if your words and deeds are inconsistent with the authentic you. These are to always live a life of reaction instead of action.

The other choice, a little harder but much more rewarding, is to change the way you view the world. If we give off “bad vibrations” it is because we have a negative view of our world. Somehow we have to change our way of thinking. Biblically, Philippians 1:8 gives us some insight into how to do this when it says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” What requires initial effort will become habit and habit will eventually become lifestyle over time.
This is easy to put down in sentences and paragraphs but it is hard to do in life because we have already spent a lifetime getting where we are. Change is hard but its rewards are great. It means learning to weigh our words knowing that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It is one of the reasons I have suggested for more than 40 years that folks take the advice given to me by A.O. Collins and read a chapter of Proverbs and a Psalm every day for the rest of their days. This all by itself will go a long way in enabling you to produce what the Beach boys called “good, good vibrations.”

In short, stop seeing everyone and everything in a negative light. The world is not out to get you. The world, for the most part doesn’t even know you exist let alone have any particular feeling toward you. People are not spending all their time thinking or talking about you. They have their own lives to live.
If you want love in your life start speaking and acting in loving ways. If you want peace then don’t say and do things that create conflict. If you want joy, be joyful. As Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man that has friends must show himself friendly, and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” There is a key to having loyal friends or making friends in the first place. You have to show yourself friendly.

I am convinced that you must not try and escape your reality. It is in fact what it is. However, you can both learn from it and change it. Now I must tell you that I am a cognitive behaviorist at heart. That means we must know, understand and act. Once you know how you are and what you want to become then you make choices about how to get there and then you act. As Paul Overstreet wrote in one of his songs, Daddy’s come around to Momma’s way of thinking.”

So does it matter what others think of you? Only if it helps you discover who you are now and what you need to become the person you want to be.

The Carrot and The Stick

I recently saw a commercial on television in which a fellow was being recognized for something he had done within his company. All his fellow employees were gathered as were his supervisors and bosses. Even the company CEO was there for the recognition. After a lot of flowery and I am sure well chosen words of praise the employee was given a "certificate." His response. Was to say, "A certificate! A Certificate!! A CERTIFICATE!!!"  He then proceeded to kick over the trash can, knocked down a lamp, break a flower vase and generally pitch a fit all the while repeating the words, "a Certificate." Clearly he was not motivated in a positive way by the certificate.

When I was in college I was a Christianity and Philosophy major. However, I thought then and still think now that a few courses from the school of business are important. In one of those classes I learned what I have come today to know as the Law of Motivation 2.0 or more commonly known as the "law of carrots and sticks."  (For a full discussion of this I recommend Daniel Pink's book Drive.)

Basically this law of motivation says that people do their best work if they are appropriately rewarded . . . hence the carrot. The negative side of this rule holds that people will not do their worst work if we are penalized . . . hence the stick. Consequently our employers and even we ourselves have tried to motivate us to perform and achieve desired goals by either rewarding our good stuff and penalizing our bad stuff.  Generally the reward has been in the form of some sort of monetary compensation, i.e., the promise of a raise or bonus etc. and the penalization the withholding of the same.

However, as I have surveyed my own life I have discovered that the "carrot and stick" approach has never really worked for me. To be sure, during my working days, I had to pay attention to the carrot. Like everyone else I had to pay the bills. However, having said that I can truthfully say that money has never been a major motivator in my life. 

I do appreciate all the salaries, raises, bonuses etc I have received over the years. Everyone, including myself, wants to be fairly compensated for their time and work. Truth is, none of us would continue on a job where our compensation did not meet our basic life needs. If the compensation level is too low we become dissatisfied and our performance levels drop.

For me it was always something more than the carrot that motivated me. Often it was the challenge of the task. I needed a task commiserate with my interests; that challenged my abilities; that facilitated my desire to grow personally and professionally; and that provided a sense of achievement and satisfaction.

It is absolutely true that I was always happier and did my best work when I did not have to worry about "paying the bills."  However it is equally true that I was happiest, more productive and more creative when I was given the freedom to focus on creatively taking on a task.  In fact, some of my very best work has been produced free. You see, my reward for any task well performed is the sense of self-satisfaction I receive. They money is nice but the satisfaction of a job well done is better.

What I discovered is that I am little motivated by external stimulus. For me, motivation comes from within. Over the years I've had this discussion with Human Resource people and to a man they just can't get past the notion that we must be externally incentivize (the carrot and he stick) if we are to achieve. I, on the other hand, contend that to get the very best we can do we must be internally incentivize. 

So, for me at least, here is the deal. Pay me a living wage and then stress the autonomy I will have in my tasks; the challenge to master new skills along the way; and the opportunity to do something that has purpose and really matters.  If there has to be a reward make it unexpected and not a contingency reward. Allow me to focus on the task not the carrot. Truth be told the reward if offered could even be of a non-tangible nature such as an sincere  "attaboy." 

Would I turn down a fiduciary reward? Probably not. Would such a reward induce me to work harder or better on the next task? Probably not. Would I feel indebted to hose giving the reward? Again, probably not. I would be appreciative. You see for me, the reward has always been in the "job well done."

What gets your juices going?