“It is not good for man to be alone” but

I have wanted to say this for some time now but didn’t know just how to say it. I still don’t know how to say it without sounding critical, self-serving and/or running the risk of it being misunderstood, misapplied, or hurting or offending feelings and sensibilities.  However, I feel the need to say it because I think what I have to share is secretly felt by a large number of people.

I have learned a lot since Susan went to be with the Lord nearly a year ago. I have learned just how painful the pain the loss of a lifetime soulmate can be. It matters very little what you know cognitively or hold by faith, the sense of loss cuts to the bone. If I live to be 100, I will never judge someone else’s feelings. I will not question their faith, their love for God or their commitment to the Lord Jesus. The only thing I can liken the pain of such loss is the pain of our Lord when on the cross he experienced separation from one person from whom he had never been separated . . . the Father. It is soul pain that results from a wounded soul.

So, there you have one of the pains I and so many that I know have walked with this past year. However, that is not the only pain. I can tell you that I have never felt as alone and isolated as I have this past year. To be sure there have been activities, comings and goings but the “alone time” has been enormously pervasive. 

The initial pain of separation blends with the the pain of an ever-increasing isolation. After a short time, you begin to realize that people who used to just drop by for coffee don’t come as often, soon you find yourself looking forward to sales calls just to have someone with whom to speak. Oh, you try to stay active, but you soon discover that busyness doesn’t solve or resolve anything . . . . if anything it merely delays it. 

You discover the truth of Scripture, “It is not good for man to be alone.” A young man has the bride of his youth and when that union develops as God planed and they become one flesh there is no substitute for the spouse who now resides in the heavens. Personally, I do not need another wife and I have not burning desire to find another. God blessed me with as wonderful a woman as has graced this planet to be my wife and for reasons known only to Him he chose to take her home after allowing her in my life for more than 60 years and nearly 55 of those was husband and wife. He guided us along the pathway He charted for us and brought us into oneness. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a plan “B”. 

Oh, there are those who will say, “God brought someone else into my life to meet that need for companionship.”  I am about that as I am the pain mentioned above. If that is how you see your experience then far be it for me question it. However, when taken as a whole the one common element is “loneliness.”  Some years ago I coined the term “aroundness.” We all seem to miss what I call the “aroundness” of our spouse.  What we are looking for is not another husband or wife but we are looking to replace the “aroundness” that has been taken from us when our spouse departed. I suggest that this is explains the speed with which many marry after the death of their spouse. 

However, I will note that not all marriages are made in heaven . . . that is arranged by God as a part of His eternal purposes. People marry for all sorts of reasons. I know people who married to get out of a dysfunctional home or meet some other need. In time they grow to love one another and God may well bless their union and through His grace and by the Holy Spirit lead them into oneness. 

Don’t misunderstand me here. I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with marrying again after the death of a spouse. Those who know me well know that I have a guiding principle that I apply to these kinds of things. It is, “God does not regulate that which He prohibits and He does not prohibit that which He regulates.”  In my mind, marriage after the death of ones spouse fits into the same category as divorce. In both cases God regulates it and therefore it is permitted. There are a lot of reasons why God may have chosen that route and I suggest that I Corinthians 7:9 where Paul says, “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn” might be one. In our instance the death of a spouse seems to be another. 

I would point out that Paul, who most scholars affirm was a widower, suggested that they remain single. He does point out that it is his personal judgment and not a divine word from the Lord. 

From my perspective no one can ever replace what Susan brought to our oneness. I will never achieve that with another person. It is a onetime eternal condition that takes quantity of time to evolve. But the sense of “aroundness” that Susan brought to my life can be replicated, duplicated or even substituted for. 

Some might suggest that what I am talking about is a companion. I would not argue with that.