Husbands Keep Loving Your Wife!

Marriage in America is a vanishing institution. More than half of the marriages in America will never reach the “until death do us apart” stage. Society reflects the consequences of the disintegration of the home (family unit). In any given year will more than half of all marriages will end in divorce.

I was married to the same woman for nearly 55 years . . . a woman who I have known since she was about 13 or 14 years old . . . . and if I have learned anything, it is that I am not smart enough to speak for what any woman wants in a relationship. But through those years of growing up and growing together I have observed a few things that I think might be helpful to couples. Here is one thing I have experienced and observed.

First, unless God brought you together, don’t even entertain the notion that what brought you together will keep you together. If, like my Susan and me, God brought you together you’d better accept early that it will take Him to keep you together. And if you are as “in love” as you felt you were then look for the clues He is giving you to keep you together and bring you into oneness. 

Hey guys, when you started your journey together, she was saying to you “Take my hand and don't you ever let go.” Believe me when I tell you that the day your wife stops wanting and asking for your affection you are already in real relationship trouble. When she quits reaching out for your hand as you walk together you had better recognize that an emotional line has been crossed that is important to your husband-wife relationship. That is the day she has decided she’s done.

So to make it contemporary, “Put your phone down . . . look at her . . . listen to her.”  She wants your focus to be on her. She wants to be seen and heard. I don’t care how long you have known your old “school buddies” she became your top priority in life the day you pledge your love to her. She needs and wants your affirmation. She wants to know that she is still “the chosen one” in your life. 

Under God she is the single most important person in your life and as such is entitled to you complete devotion. You need to give your attention to her and all that she does. That devotion, whether you know it or not, is not demonstrated in flamboyant expressions on special days. It is seen in how you acknowledge all the “crap” she does trying to keep your home together. Everything from picking up toys, making sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom, keeping up with and reminding you of your appointments and a thousand other things that go unnoticed until they go undone.

I remember a lady once told her husband as we were discussing their relationship, “I want to be seen, I want to be noticed and I ant to be appreciated.” Here’s what she was really saying: :I want you to show me that you even know I am in the room. You act as though I am invisible. Furthermore I want you not only to see me, but to see what I do around this place. I am your exhausted chief cook and bottle washer and then you want me to be your lover. I need you to know who I am and to recognize and appreciated what I do.” 

My dear brothers, when your wife asks for your help, please understand it means she wants and needs YOU! Instead of calling her a nag, change that light bulb or fix the leaky faucet when you say you will. Doing what you said you’d do builds trust. I recently had a call from a man whose wife had passed and he said, “I don’t know what to do now. I have finished all the 'honey do's' she wanted from me but she is not here to know it.”  It may be funny to say you don’t need to remind a man every six moths to do something, He’ll eventually do it.

Guys, your wife will fight like a tiger for your love and affection but over time taking all that she is and does for granted as though you had some other love will end badly. Your wife wants your love, she wants to spend time with you, she needs you to affirm again and again that you need and want her. Remember those wedding day words, “Forsaking all others I take you?” . . . well, she needs and wants to hear them and see them in action. My brother you had her love when you left the church on your wedding day and you still have it now so don't loose it through inattention.

 If you find yourself on the precipice then remember the words of Jesus to the Ephesian church, "You have left your first love, Therefore, keep in mind how far you have fallen. Repent and perform the deeds you did at first."

What I am trying to say is, show her you’re on her side. Show her that she is the most important person in your life. She gave her life to you when you were married don’t let that prove to be a mistake.  Be her friend . . . . Be her support . . . . Be her cheer leader . . . . Be her safe place. 

Take her hand when she’s at her best and even better take her hand when she’s at her worst. whether it’s mentally or physically and notice her. See her and choose her through the highs and the lows, and all in between of life. “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death. This is my solemn vow." Through the bad times and the good. The tiring and the fun. Choose her, Every second, every minute and every day.”

I have heard this story told several times over the years but the truth it conveys is timeless. "My mom always cooked tasty food. But, one day she put a burnt pie in front of dad. Not just a little burnt but, black as coal. I waited to see what dad would say. But he just ate the pie and asked “How was your day?” Then I heard mom apologize to him for his supper. I'll never forget his response. "Darling, I liked your pie." Later, I asked him if he had told the truth. He put his arm on my shoulder and said, "Your mom had a tough day at work, she was tired. The burnt pie didn't harm me but, a sharp word could have hurt her." We all make mistakes. We shouldn't focus on mistakes but, support those we love.

Gentlemen, Love your wife not just in word but in deed as well. My Christian brother, “Love your wife as Christ has loved the church.”

Ladies, I’d love to hear what you think.

Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!"

I am Thankful today for friends and family both here and in eternity. And I can honestly say I am looking forward to that great reunion day. 

I was reflecting just yesterday on all the people who have touched my life in both big and small ways and how their coming into my life has blessed my life. Each one of you, many who may not remember where or when we met or maybe whether or not we have met, have touched my life in some way and now you are forever a part of the tapestry of who I have become. Thank you!

I am thankful that God loved me and that He loved me enough to give His son for me. I am thankful that He called me to salvation and then placed in my heart not only the call to preach but the desire to preach the unsearchable riches of God's love and grace in Christ Jesus.  

I am thankful that God put a young woman in my life who was the perfect pastor’s wife. We were not the same in so many ways. But we both Loved the Lord. When our hands touched and our lips met as teenagers, I only thought I had won her heart and she only thought she had captured mine. As time passed, we came to see that the reason we had the lifetime love affair with each other is because God was our matchmaker. We didn’t choose each other . . . no indeed. God gave us to each other as a part of His purposes.. 

This year I want to add to my “Thank you.” I say, "Thank You, Lord" for allowing Susan and I to have a life together here in this world that spanned more than 60 years . . . . 54-1/2 of those as husband and wife.  I cannot remember a time in our life together that the Lord did not supply our needs - both great and small. By His grace we achieved what so few couples obtain . . . we literally became one flesh in the fullest sense of that terminology. Somewhere along the journey we ceased to be two travelers on the same road and became a single traveler that embodied the two of us. 

Thanksgiving 2021 was the hardest of my life. Susan and I as we became one flesh ceased to experience the same things separately. Somewhere along the way we began to share them singularly. Now I face life without a part of who I am. It is not a matter of discovering the new me . . . the one without Susan because that person does not exist. I still experience life as if she were present . . . . and, in some way she is and always will be. 

Our relationship never was superficial but over a lifetime our union became stronger and deeper spiritually. Somewhere along life's journey she got into my heart and into my soul and I did the same with her. This is why when someone asked me about her passing, I responded with, “It feels like someone has ripped out a large part of my soul.”  And that my friend is something only God can do. Our spiritual DNA is the same. 

As mentioned above, this is the first Thanksgiving in over 60 years when we did not celebrate the blessings of God together and I must tell you it seems so strange and wrongheaded to me right now. But I know God did not make a mistake when he brought us together as a couple back in the 1960's and He did not make a mistake when he led us into becoming one flesh and while I don’t understand all that He is doing right now He did not make a mistake when He called Susan home. 

Let me be clear . . . . Susan and my life together are a reflection of what God is doing in bring redemption to mankind. I now know something of how Jesus felt when at about the ninth hour He cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?' that is, 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?' The separation I felt at Susan’s home-going is reflective of the separation Jesus felt that day. To be sure, what I have experienced is not the same as to the reason for the separation or the degree and depth that it was felt but it gives me a deeper understanding and a greater appreciation for what He endured for me. 

Now for some speculative thanksgiving. I have every reason to believe that just as the separation of Jesus from the Father because Jesus became sin was but for a short time so the separation that death (the first cousin of sin) brought to Susan and myself will also be short lived. I fully expect to join her in Paradise either through passing through my own death experience or when I experience the transformation from the physical to the spiritual realm when Jesus returns for His own.

Now here is something glorious about that One Flesh thing I mentioned earlier . . . all that death is capable of doing is separating the body from the spirit and soul. We often speak of Christ in us as the hope of glory and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Hence, we are connected to God the Father through Jesus His son and the Holy Spirit (Spirit of God) who abides within us (in our soul and spirit). 

Well, something similar, though not the same, takes place in the becoming one flesh process. Without spelling out all the theology of “One Flesh” suffice it to say it involves all aspects of our person . . . . body soul and spirit. There is a song that has the lines . . . “I said I'm wrapped up, tied up, tangled up in Jesus, He's all I need.”  

Becoming one flesh is being wrapped up, tied up, tangled up body and spirit with each other. It is two people, a man and a woman, becoming something new, something that did not exist before, in both time and kind. It is something that God enables and something that cannot be undone. It is becoming one as Jesus and the Father are one. Small wonder that Paul would use this oneness of marriage to help us understand the nature of the church and the church's relationship to Jesus. 

I cannot reach out and touch her and I cannot sit and hold her hand because she has at God’s bidding laid down the body that constrained her. When she laid that body aside, she flew away to Jesus and Paradise where she now awaits the day I take my flight and join her in paradise. But in the meanwhile, our love goes on . . . love never fails . . . love never ends.

So, Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!" Thank You for being so good to me . . . Thank you for letting Susan love me and I her. Because you did, I better understand your love for us . . . . for me.

I Love How You Love Me

It has been eleven months since the love of my life left for her eternal home and I still miss just about everything about her . . . . her voice . . . . her touch . . .  her look . . . . the way she smelled and the way she smiled. But, most of all I missed the way that she loved me.

Next to the love of God working in my life Susan is the best thing that ever happened to me. Truth is, Susan was and, in some ways still is, a part of the Lord's working in my life. I have written in the past about how God brought us together and the miracles he wrought to do that. We, in looking back over the years, could easily discern the hand of God working to bring us together and then to grow us into oneness. Our relationship was the Lord's doing and it marveled us as we lived it and then when we looked back on it. 

I have been unapologetic in stating that Susan taught me how to love. She did it without uttering a word or giving advice. Her whole life was about loving others, but it was more than that. The way that she loved reflected the love of God being shed abroad as she lived each day. Every day of my life I knew that she loved me unconditionally with her whole heart. It was reciprocal. 

I remember our first kiss and how my knees went weak but I also remember our last kiss. It was on the day that she left for heaven. That kiss touched my soul. We never kissed that I did not feel the powerful love she had for me. We often, especially in our later years, referred to our marriage as our life-long love affair because that is really what it was. No other human being touched my soul the way she did. She was truly God’s love gift to me.

When you love the way we do even something as simple as glace of them across the room causes strong feelings of affection and attachment. As lovers after God’s own heart we have this overwhelming urge to do whatever you can to bring happiness to each other. 

Love is indeed a feeling, but love is also and action and the best kind of love is both at the same time. Love is a feeling that produces a love action in response to that love feeling. Truly loving someone means caring for them in the ways that they need to be cared for, with no strings attached. It is what the Bible calls Oneness and making up what is lacking but needed in one another.

I tell you it may take two to Tango but someone has to ask for the dance. It was while learning to dance with each other that we earned how each other needed to do the dance. We danced and we danced and we danced until no one noticed us anymore, they just saw the dance. Some people get lost in the 50's but Susan and I got lost in each other. I believe that was God’s purpose for our life together.

Randy Travis said it in a country way when he wrote and sang . . . “My love is deeper than the holler, Stronger than the river, Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill. My love is purer than the snowflakes, That fall in late December, And honest as a Robin on a springtime window sill, And longer than the song of a whippoorwill”

Barry Mann and Larry Kolber wrote a song first recorded by the Paris Sisters that could in many ways be how we thought of each other. The song is “I love How You Love Me.” When two people love how they love each other it just doesn’t get any better this side of heaven . . . I say it is a little piece of heaven on Earth.

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your heart beats
Whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
Without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

There is no greater love than what Jesus has for you and me and apparently Susan took Jesus seriously. In John 15:12 Jesus said, “I want you to love one another, as I have loved you.”  That’s what Susan did and I am better for it. What makes this so wonderful is the fact that she had no idea the impact of her life of loving changed other people's lives . . . . not insignificantly, my life. She taught me how to love by just being who God made her to be. 

And me, I just praise His holy name because He chose me to be the one to be loved by her. Just convinces me the more how great is the love of God . . . .

My friends, let God love through you . . . it will make you a great lover.

Is a Happy Marriage Just Dumb Luck?

Every now and again someone will remark to me how lucky I was to have had a long happy marriage. I must confess, I am indeed happy to have had a long and happy marriage. However, I do not relegate that happiness in my marriage to luck.  Marriage was ordained of God with purpose before the fall of man. For a marriage to be successful it must fulfill God's purpose for it (note: I did not say a happy marriage. I said successful one). There is no such thing as luck when it comes to a happy fulfilling marriage.

I think people should understand the marriage is not the place where you develop your individuality. It is the context to which you bring your individuality and blend it with that of your marital partner so that over time the two become one. Marriage requires both giving and receiving . . . it is a sharing relationship. 

My number one goal in my marriage was to honor my wife, Susan. Her number one responsibility to our marriage was to honor me. It is also important to understand that and how it works in a growth experience where we help one another on the journey. It is the process of becoming one flesh.

Honestly folks if you would just take the principles enunciated in 1st Corinthians 13 and apply them to your marriage relationship, I believe you would discover a happier and more satisfying marriage. Keep in mind that the chapter closes by saying now abideth these three, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love . . . Love never fails.”  I must point out that while love never fails people often do. Therefore, keep no record of wrongs.

Susan and I spent most of our lives building on the relationship that we had before we married. Each of us believed very strongly that ours was literally a marriage made in heaven. We believed our coming together as husband and wife was a part of God’s plan for each of us. We further believe that God moved in our lives in such a way as to bring us together as young teens. 

In addition to believing that God has brought us together as husband and wife, namely, that he has chosen us to be husband and wife before we actually knew one another, that he put us together for His purposes and not ours. What I’m trying to say is that from even before we decided to get married, we both had a sense of God’s calling on our lives. So, I can say without reservation or fear of contradiction when God put Susan in my life, he gave me the perfect companion for my calling and my temperament.  

Because we believe that we had been chosen by God for each other and that as a couple He had chosen for some purpose we took seriously the vows that we made on our wedding day. The goal of our marriage, whether stated or just assumed, was that one day we would cease to be two separate entities and become one in the Lord. 

The promises we made to each other on a cold Winter’s Night on December 23, 1966, were more than simply words repeated in the ceremony. Our promises to love one another, support one another and to care for one another were made in all earnest and seriousness. They were promises made to one another in the presence of God’s people and in the sight of the Almighty himself. Those words should not and for us as God's children could not be taken lightly. I also recall that they included a promise to one another to help each other find our fulfillment as a person. In short you might say that when we said, "I do we really meant I will until the end of time." 

It was clear to us that after our devotion to God and our commitment to one another were of the highest priority. Susan was to come before everyone else in my life and I was the priority of her life. We firmly believed that if we took care of our relationship, we could better maintain all others, including those with our children. It was equally clear that unless we kept our relationship with God in order, we couldn't keep our own relationship together. I once told a man in an interview that our marriage was a success because it was a threesome . . . me, Susan and the Lord.

From the moment that we said I do, and even before that, we focused our attention on one another. By that I mean that we were always seeking ways to please each other. Rare was the occasion where either of us sought to find what we could get out of the relationship for ourselves. The irony of our relationship was that at our core we were very much the same are public personas . . . but we were hardly similar.

With that said I also need to point out that’s simply because we believe God has brought us together and we had promised to be faithful and true and supportive of one another all the days of our life does not mean our journey of love did not have its difficult times. For us however those proved to be just difficulties along the way that served to strengthen our bond in the Lord.

Like I said in the beginning, I am happy that Susan and I had a good marriage relationship. I know that many do not, and I suppose there are as many reasons for that as there are people struggling in their relationships. But I am convinced, based upon my own experience, that when we are able to put self aside and think only of the well-being of our spouse, we have a good chance of having a good happy marriage.

Susan and I found that we could not build are relationship without being together a great deal of the time. It is a myth that you can have quality time without quantity of time. Make the most of the time you have together. Create ways to make more time together possible . . . share life.

I want to add that having a good marriage for many years does not mean the things were always easy or that you are happy all the time. There is an old saying among Baptist that goes like this, “Lord you keep the pastor humble at will keeping poor.” To say the least, trying to maintain a household with four children during early Ministry was a financial challenge. I mention financial challenges because it seems the finances are a major source of conflict in marriages

For example, very first church that I served as pastor I was paid a grand total of $9,800 a year. Of that at least $980 a year went back to the church in the form of a tithe. Remember, they kept the records. Then there were they myriad of special mission and love offerings. I only mention that to point out that not only did we have early marriage adjustment, but financial matters were always an issue in our household. Fortunately for us the Lord always provided what we needed, and we were content with what He provided even when we were not always happy to do without the things we may have wanted. We learned to live without them. The one thing that came from our financial struggles was not conflict but cooperation. Susan learned to cloth and feed our family creatively. She seemed to always find the bargains. Parenthetically, I learned allow her great leeway with the household budget.

Another area that often becomes an issue in marriage is marital intimacy. Husbands tend to be demanding wives tend to want to negotiate. I can honestly say this was never an area of difficulty for Susan and myself. When we got married, we were like two calves looking at a new gate. It was on the job training for us, but it was never a tool to be used it was always a gift to be given. Quite frankly we considered all of our married life the intimacy between a husband and wife a holy thing for which we ought to be able to give thanks to God. But we also learned to honor one another in this area as well.

So, when you see a couple, you have been married for decades don’t think it was just dumb luck. Like I said in the beginning, there is no such thing as luck when it comes to a good marriage. They have overlooked many of failing shortcoming and fault they spent their years together learning and understanding one another. Loving has never been a matter of luck it is mutual giving sharing, caring, mercy, patience and yes, from time-to-time submission to one another. But in our case, the real secret ingredient was God active and involved in our lives. 

Being married is summed up in the verse that says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his
mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Becoming one flesh has everything to do with sharing your lives together as husband and wife. You don’t only share a home and a bed. You’ll share joy and sorrow. You’ll share your hopes and fears. You’ll share your successes and failures. You’ll share your money and possessions. You’ll share your bodies and souls. You share everything with each other. And in the process, God weaves you together as one. You’re two people truly united.