If Only This Were True

If only this were true what a wonderful world this would be. But alas it is a cute phrase that does not convey the truth of the matter. Both men and women who are the recipients of “love, care, time and attention” have plenty of opportunities to cheat on their spouses and some do. I have often thought about what is there in us that some will succumb to temptation and others will not. Why does the cheater cheat? Do people cheat and become cheaters or are they cheaters who cheat? 

By the way, everything I will say in this post applies equally to men and women.

I remember the day when as a young man of 19 I looked into the eyes of a 19-year-old young woman named Susan and surrounded by God’s people, standing in the presence of God’s spokesman and before the eyes and ears of the Almighty Himself I promised that young woman that, among other things, I would be “true to her and her alone as long as we both shall live. I remember feeling the weight of that promise. I knew I meant what I said to her that day. I knew she was accepting my words at face value and believing I would honor that sweeping promise. At the same time, she was making the very same promises to me. By God’s grace we kept those promises.

Unfortunately, a lot of other people have made, and others will make, those same promises to each other under the same circumstances but somewhere along the line they will yield to temptation, break their vow and betray the trust of their spouse. The question is, why do some remain faithful, and others do not. 

Setting aside, at least for the moment, Jesus’ sweeping statement in Matthew 5:28 where he declares, “But I say unto you, 'That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart'” and look at why people cheat on each other. Let’s take a look.

I don’t think it is necessary to define what I mean by cheating on one’s spouse. I suspect we all know what that is. However, for the sake of clarity let me define what I mean by cheating . . . . Cheating is when one spouse betrays the other spouse’s trust and breaks the promise of maintaining emotional and sexual exclusivity with them. 

Let me also say up front what else we know to be true and that is that everyone of us has a strong desire for self-gratification. It may be among the strongest we have but it does not have to be the strongest and certainly not the controlling desire. As the king once said why he did a certain thing replied, “It pleasures me.” That is not too far from the excuse, “I did it because I could.”  Now, if this need for self-gratification exceeds the love and intimacy a person is getting from a relationship and commitment and loyalty are weak or missing it can lead to infidelity. Mark the words “it can lead to” . . . . It can but infidelity is not inevitable. 

So, we have defined the area wherein conflict can arise. Counselors and Psychologist will give you a long list of why men and women cheat on each other. Those lists are all attempts to explain why a certain person acted out the way they did, i.e., cheating on their spouse. However they try to describe a given cause in a given case the truth what they are actually doing is adding color commentary to the picture. Behind all of that descriptive and justifying language is “it's all about me.” Even when we play the blame game and put the onus on our spouse, it is still “all about me.”

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4) I don’t know how many times I have been asked since by beloved wife of almost 55 years went to be with the Lord about how we managed to stay married that long. Seems that is a question that flows out of the fact that so many marriages end in divorce sometime within the first ten years. I know it first was brought to my attention more than 30 years ago when as I checked out of a Phar-Mor Pharmacy, I handed the clerk a 50th Anniversary Wedding card. I still remember her response, “Wow, do people actually stay married that long?” My answer always followed along the line of, “Well, yes . . . at least many of my friends and acquaintances do.

Legally people can get divorced for any reason or even no reason at all. Biblically God only recognizes one acceptable reason and that is adultery. In Levitical law, adultery was so serious that if a man slept with another man’s wife, the adulterers would both be put to death (Leviticus 20:10). I’m going to be honest, if this were still the method of today, I know a few people who would not be alive.

The consequences of adultery (betrayal) are devastating in so many ways. However, we must never forget that Jesus is redemptive. If we love Him, He will work events in our lives together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28). However, our choices do come with consequences. Even though there is grace and forgiveness for our sins we should never push the limit on that grace and live against God’s laws. 

In John 8, Jesus was asked to stone a woman for adultery. He began to tell the people whoever had never sinned throw the first stone and they all eventually left. Jesus, who was the only one who never sinned, chose not to condemn her, but to forgive her and call her to leave her life of sin.

Adultery comes in a variety of forms. There is pornography . . . . viewing or reading graphic materials that are sexual. There is flirting . . . . trying to entice another through smooth words and using inappropriate language with another who is not your spouse. There is sexual relations . . . . encountering another person sexually who is not your spouse. There is sexting . . . . sending inappropriate messages or images to someone who is not your spouse. And there is lusting . . . . having sexual fantasies about another person who is not your spouse.

So, with all this with which to contend, what is one to do. I would suggest that you begin by making sure you have a very close walk with the Lord. Second, I also suggest that as husband and wife you do things together and not separate. Thirdly, I also suggest you avoid emotional adultery . . . sharing your personal thoughts, feelings, and emotions with another person other than your husband or wife. 

Marriages are so important and valuable to the Lord. They are a gift that He has given to us that are to model His love for His church. When we commit adultery, we not only ruin the image of our own marriages, but we taint the view of God’s love to others as revealed through our marriage. We need to take this very seriously and rely on the Holy Spirit to help us succeed in purity. The Christian marriage is in reality a spiritual threesome . . .  It is composed of a man, a woman and the Lord himself. For believers Jesus is Lord of their individual lives and He must be Lord of their marriage. What God has joined together let not man put asunder . . . especially by not being unfaithful to the promises made to each other before God. 

People give a lot of reasons and even more excuses as to why they cheated on their spouse but that is all they are, excuses. The truth is a good man who truly loves you and is committed to you will be loyal to you as well. I have lived now a long time in this old world, and I can tell you that every man I know has had the opportunity to "cheat" (I call it betray) on his wife at some point in their marriage and some do, but not every man does. Instead of trying to understand why some cheat I suggest we consider why others don’t cheat.

A man remains faithful not because you give him love, care, time and attention. Too be sure he likes all of those things, and they will certainly help the relationship grow and mature. There are all sorts of things one can do to bring a husband-and-wife relationship into the Biblical goal of oneness. Chief among these is always trying to become a better person and always putting your spouse first . . . . even before yourself. It is a matter of being kindly affectioned one to another with godly love and in honor preferring one another.

A husband remains faithful because he is a man of character who will not trade his character for a bowl of soup. He is loyal to his wife in spite of being tempted because of who he is . . . . a man of character. A man who truly loves his wife simply will not betray her trust for a few moments of carnal gratification.

No man was ever loved by a woman as was I and no woman was ever loved by a man as was my wife. However, our fidelity to each other was born out of our view of self and each other and not what we provided for one another. Good men have more self-respect than that and they certainly have more respect toward their wives. Back to that night 55 plus years ago when I sealed a promise already made . . . . it was heavy on me because I understood that being unfaithful was just not an option . . . . it was a promise. 

To paraphrase Scripture, If I cannot be faithful to my wife who I have both seen and touched how can I be faithful to God whom I have not seen and touched? If I love her with every fiber of my being, how can I entertain the thought of being betraying the trust she has placed in me.

When we promised to be true to our wives until death do us part, we were saying not only will I love you, but I’ll be true to you until the day one or the other of us dies. Some of us can't seem to stop even after our spouses dies. I remember saying to my sweet Susan, “Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your God my God: Where you die, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.”

Dear friend, a promise made is a commitment to keep . . . your honor is on the line.