Husbands Keep Loving Your Wife!

Marriage in America is a vanishing institution. More than half of the marriages in America will never reach the “until death do us apart” stage. Society reflects the consequences of the disintegration of the home (family unit). In any given year will more than half of all marriages will end in divorce.

I was married to the same woman for nearly 55 years . . . a woman who I have known since she was about 13 or 14 years old . . . . and if I have learned anything, it is that I am not smart enough to speak for what any woman wants in a relationship. But through those years of growing up and growing together I have observed a few things that I think might be helpful to couples. Here is one thing I have experienced and observed.

First, unless God brought you together, don’t even entertain the notion that what brought you together will keep you together. If, like my Susan and me, God brought you together you’d better accept early that it will take Him to keep you together. And if you are as “in love” as you felt you were then look for the clues He is giving you to keep you together and bring you into oneness. 

Hey guys, when you started your journey together, she was saying to you “Take my hand and don't you ever let go.” Believe me when I tell you that the day your wife stops wanting and asking for your affection you are already in real relationship trouble. When she quits reaching out for your hand as you walk together you had better recognize that an emotional line has been crossed that is important to your husband-wife relationship. That is the day she has decided she’s done.

So to make it contemporary, “Put your phone down . . . look at her . . . listen to her.”  She wants your focus to be on her. She wants to be seen and heard. I don’t care how long you have known your old “school buddies” she became your top priority in life the day you pledge your love to her. She needs and wants your affirmation. She wants to know that she is still “the chosen one” in your life. 

Under God she is the single most important person in your life and as such is entitled to you complete devotion. You need to give your attention to her and all that she does. That devotion, whether you know it or not, is not demonstrated in flamboyant expressions on special days. It is seen in how you acknowledge all the “crap” she does trying to keep your home together. Everything from picking up toys, making sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom, keeping up with and reminding you of your appointments and a thousand other things that go unnoticed until they go undone.

I remember a lady once told her husband as we were discussing their relationship, “I want to be seen, I want to be noticed and I ant to be appreciated.” Here’s what she was really saying: :I want you to show me that you even know I am in the room. You act as though I am invisible. Furthermore I want you not only to see me, but to see what I do around this place. I am your exhausted chief cook and bottle washer and then you want me to be your lover. I need you to know who I am and to recognize and appreciated what I do.” 

My dear brothers, when your wife asks for your help, please understand it means she wants and needs YOU! Instead of calling her a nag, change that light bulb or fix the leaky faucet when you say you will. Doing what you said you’d do builds trust. I recently had a call from a man whose wife had passed and he said, “I don’t know what to do now. I have finished all the 'honey do's' she wanted from me but she is not here to know it.”  It may be funny to say you don’t need to remind a man every six moths to do something, He’ll eventually do it.

Guys, your wife will fight like a tiger for your love and affection but over time taking all that she is and does for granted as though you had some other love will end badly. Your wife wants your love, she wants to spend time with you, she needs you to affirm again and again that you need and want her. Remember those wedding day words, “Forsaking all others I take you?” . . . well, she needs and wants to hear them and see them in action. My brother you had her love when you left the church on your wedding day and you still have it now so don't loose it through inattention.

 If you find yourself on the precipice then remember the words of Jesus to the Ephesian church, "You have left your first love, Therefore, keep in mind how far you have fallen. Repent and perform the deeds you did at first."

What I am trying to say is, show her you’re on her side. Show her that she is the most important person in your life. She gave her life to you when you were married don’t let that prove to be a mistake.  Be her friend . . . . Be her support . . . . Be her cheer leader . . . . Be her safe place. 

Take her hand when she’s at her best and even better take her hand when she’s at her worst. whether it’s mentally or physically and notice her. See her and choose her through the highs and the lows, and all in between of life. “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death. This is my solemn vow." Through the bad times and the good. The tiring and the fun. Choose her, Every second, every minute and every day.”

I have heard this story told several times over the years but the truth it conveys is timeless. "My mom always cooked tasty food. But, one day she put a burnt pie in front of dad. Not just a little burnt but, black as coal. I waited to see what dad would say. But he just ate the pie and asked “How was your day?” Then I heard mom apologize to him for his supper. I'll never forget his response. "Darling, I liked your pie." Later, I asked him if he had told the truth. He put his arm on my shoulder and said, "Your mom had a tough day at work, she was tired. The burnt pie didn't harm me but, a sharp word could have hurt her." We all make mistakes. We shouldn't focus on mistakes but, support those we love.

Gentlemen, Love your wife not just in word but in deed as well. My Christian brother, “Love your wife as Christ has loved the church.”

Ladies, I’d love to hear what you think.

Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!"

I am Thankful today for friends and family both here and in eternity. And I can honestly say I am looking forward to that great reunion day. 

I was reflecting just yesterday on all the people who have touched my life in both big and small ways and how their coming into my life has blessed my life. Each one of you, many who may not remember where or when we met or maybe whether or not we have met, have touched my life in some way and now you are forever a part of the tapestry of who I have become. Thank you!

I am thankful that God loved me and that He loved me enough to give His son for me. I am thankful that He called me to salvation and then placed in my heart not only the call to preach but the desire to preach the unsearchable riches of God's love and grace in Christ Jesus.  

I am thankful that God put a young woman in my life who was the perfect pastor’s wife. We were not the same in so many ways. But we both Loved the Lord. When our hands touched and our lips met as teenagers, I only thought I had won her heart and she only thought she had captured mine. As time passed, we came to see that the reason we had the lifetime love affair with each other is because God was our matchmaker. We didn’t choose each other . . . no indeed. God gave us to each other as a part of His purposes.. 

This year I want to add to my “Thank you.” I say, "Thank You, Lord" for allowing Susan and I to have a life together here in this world that spanned more than 60 years . . . . 54-1/2 of those as husband and wife.  I cannot remember a time in our life together that the Lord did not supply our needs - both great and small. By His grace we achieved what so few couples obtain . . . we literally became one flesh in the fullest sense of that terminology. Somewhere along the journey we ceased to be two travelers on the same road and became a single traveler that embodied the two of us. 

Thanksgiving 2021 was the hardest of my life. Susan and I as we became one flesh ceased to experience the same things separately. Somewhere along the way we began to share them singularly. Now I face life without a part of who I am. It is not a matter of discovering the new me . . . the one without Susan because that person does not exist. I still experience life as if she were present . . . . and, in some way she is and always will be. 

Our relationship never was superficial but over a lifetime our union became stronger and deeper spiritually. Somewhere along life's journey she got into my heart and into my soul and I did the same with her. This is why when someone asked me about her passing, I responded with, “It feels like someone has ripped out a large part of my soul.”  And that my friend is something only God can do. Our spiritual DNA is the same. 

As mentioned above, this is the first Thanksgiving in over 60 years when we did not celebrate the blessings of God together and I must tell you it seems so strange and wrongheaded to me right now. But I know God did not make a mistake when he brought us together as a couple back in the 1960's and He did not make a mistake when he led us into becoming one flesh and while I don’t understand all that He is doing right now He did not make a mistake when He called Susan home. 

Let me be clear . . . . Susan and my life together are a reflection of what God is doing in bring redemption to mankind. I now know something of how Jesus felt when at about the ninth hour He cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?' that is, 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?' The separation I felt at Susan’s home-going is reflective of the separation Jesus felt that day. To be sure, what I have experienced is not the same as to the reason for the separation or the degree and depth that it was felt but it gives me a deeper understanding and a greater appreciation for what He endured for me. 

Now for some speculative thanksgiving. I have every reason to believe that just as the separation of Jesus from the Father because Jesus became sin was but for a short time so the separation that death (the first cousin of sin) brought to Susan and myself will also be short lived. I fully expect to join her in Paradise either through passing through my own death experience or when I experience the transformation from the physical to the spiritual realm when Jesus returns for His own.

Now here is something glorious about that One Flesh thing I mentioned earlier . . . all that death is capable of doing is separating the body from the spirit and soul. We often speak of Christ in us as the hope of glory and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Hence, we are connected to God the Father through Jesus His son and the Holy Spirit (Spirit of God) who abides within us (in our soul and spirit). 

Well, something similar, though not the same, takes place in the becoming one flesh process. Without spelling out all the theology of “One Flesh” suffice it to say it involves all aspects of our person . . . . body soul and spirit. There is a song that has the lines . . . “I said I'm wrapped up, tied up, tangled up in Jesus, He's all I need.”  

Becoming one flesh is being wrapped up, tied up, tangled up body and spirit with each other. It is two people, a man and a woman, becoming something new, something that did not exist before, in both time and kind. It is something that God enables and something that cannot be undone. It is becoming one as Jesus and the Father are one. Small wonder that Paul would use this oneness of marriage to help us understand the nature of the church and the church's relationship to Jesus. 

I cannot reach out and touch her and I cannot sit and hold her hand because she has at God’s bidding laid down the body that constrained her. When she laid that body aside, she flew away to Jesus and Paradise where she now awaits the day I take my flight and join her in paradise. But in the meanwhile, our love goes on . . . love never fails . . . love never ends.

So, Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!" Thank You for being so good to me . . . Thank you for letting Susan love me and I her. Because you did, I better understand your love for us . . . . for me.

I Love How You Love Me

It has been eleven months since the love of my life left for her eternal home and I still miss just about everything about her . . . . her voice . . . . her touch . . .  her look . . . . the way she smelled and the way she smiled. But, most of all I missed the way that she loved me.

Next to the love of God working in my life Susan is the best thing that ever happened to me. Truth is, Susan was and, in some ways still is, a part of the Lord's working in my life. I have written in the past about how God brought us together and the miracles he wrought to do that. We, in looking back over the years, could easily discern the hand of God working to bring us together and then to grow us into oneness. Our relationship was the Lord's doing and it marveled us as we lived it and then when we looked back on it. 

I have been unapologetic in stating that Susan taught me how to love. She did it without uttering a word or giving advice. Her whole life was about loving others, but it was more than that. The way that she loved reflected the love of God being shed abroad as she lived each day. Every day of my life I knew that she loved me unconditionally with her whole heart. It was reciprocal. 

I remember our first kiss and how my knees went weak but I also remember our last kiss. It was on the day that she left for heaven. That kiss touched my soul. We never kissed that I did not feel the powerful love she had for me. We often, especially in our later years, referred to our marriage as our life-long love affair because that is really what it was. No other human being touched my soul the way she did. She was truly God’s love gift to me.

When you love the way we do even something as simple as glace of them across the room causes strong feelings of affection and attachment. As lovers after God’s own heart we have this overwhelming urge to do whatever you can to bring happiness to each other. 

Love is indeed a feeling, but love is also and action and the best kind of love is both at the same time. Love is a feeling that produces a love action in response to that love feeling. Truly loving someone means caring for them in the ways that they need to be cared for, with no strings attached. It is what the Bible calls Oneness and making up what is lacking but needed in one another.

I tell you it may take two to Tango but someone has to ask for the dance. It was while learning to dance with each other that we earned how each other needed to do the dance. We danced and we danced and we danced until no one noticed us anymore, they just saw the dance. Some people get lost in the 50's but Susan and I got lost in each other. I believe that was God’s purpose for our life together.

Randy Travis said it in a country way when he wrote and sang . . . “My love is deeper than the holler, Stronger than the river, Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill. My love is purer than the snowflakes, That fall in late December, And honest as a Robin on a springtime window sill, And longer than the song of a whippoorwill”

Barry Mann and Larry Kolber wrote a song first recorded by the Paris Sisters that could in many ways be how we thought of each other. The song is “I love How You Love Me.” When two people love how they love each other it just doesn’t get any better this side of heaven . . . I say it is a little piece of heaven on Earth.

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your heart beats
Whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
Without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

There is no greater love than what Jesus has for you and me and apparently Susan took Jesus seriously. In John 15:12 Jesus said, “I want you to love one another, as I have loved you.”  That’s what Susan did and I am better for it. What makes this so wonderful is the fact that she had no idea the impact of her life of loving changed other people's lives . . . . not insignificantly, my life. She taught me how to love by just being who God made her to be. 

And me, I just praise His holy name because He chose me to be the one to be loved by her. Just convinces me the more how great is the love of God . . . .

My friends, let God love through you . . . it will make you a great lover.

It Was Never About The Game

I remember seeing on television either in a commercial or a news item a series of pictures of the same man with his wife attending a professional football game over a number of years. Actually, it was more than just a picture. It was a series of photographs the shows them aging as the years passed and they sat in the same seats the same ball game. Clearly season ticket holders.  

In the first three or four photographs both the husband and the wife were smiling and pointing and happy and even appeared have aged very little. The next-to-last the photograph showed the couples together the man clearly was ill but still they were laughing and they were smiling as they watched their favorite teams play. Then in the last frame the man was not in the picture. The wife was in her usual seat watching her favorite team but is this photo the smile was not present. She seemed disinterested in watching the game or even being there in the first place.

I was talking with a friend who like myself had recently lost their spouse about the fact that so many things that I used to do did not appeal to me as they once did. I didn't seem to have any interest in eating, going anywhere or even doing anything. Remarkably, she said to me that she was experiencing the very same thing. There’s something strange about routines and that is they are not as routine as perhaps we might think. The places we go and the things that we do have a meaning beyond the place on the thing itself. Something else gives them meaning and purpose.

I remember Susan and I always talked about the fact that we had neither one ever been to the Grand Canyon. It was something we wanted to do and something we probably should have done but we didn’t. As I spoke with the lady mentioned above I related this failure to make that trip a reality. As I told her about it I said, “I believe that if Susan and I had taken that trip to the Grand Canyon I would have stood with her on the rim of the canyon and slowly taken in the scene unfolding  before us as I could.” Then I would have turned to her and said, “What an amazing and wonderful thing God has done in this arid land.” I think she might have replied, “Indeed, it is as awe inspiring as when we stood and viewed the three sisters in the Blue Mountains of Australia”

However, if I were to go there by myself today stand on the rim of that chasm in the earth as I surveyed it from one end to the other I would probably just say to myself, “It’s just another big hole in the ground.”

I remember hearing at more weddings than I’d like to admit the minister say to a young couple somewhere during the ceremony that now that they were husband and wife the joys of life would be doubled because there are two to share the joy. He would go on and say that because they were now husband and wife the burdens and sorrows of life would be more easily carried because there was now two to carry them. 

In the opening chapters of Genesis God says it is not good that the man should be alone. So he created woman to be alongside of man to make up what is lacking in the man. I think this goes to one of the reasons God created woman and brought her to man and declared that they are to become one flesh. God knew that that life is better when it is shared. 

Most of our lives are spent focused on the things that we do, the places that we go and the recreation in which we engage. However, while we are focused on things and places and activities something else is transpiring. And because this something else is happening quietly the places and things and activities have an importance beyond themselves.

With the passing of time we are going to realize that it wasn’t the games that we played and it wasn’t the things that we did go to the places where we went but it was the people with whom we did those things. At least I hope that's the case.

The truth is the day is coming for all of us as illustrated in that first paragraph about this old man and old woman that we will realize it was not the game but the people with whom we watched the game;  It wasn’t about the house we owned. It was the people who in it;  It wasn’t about the coffee we drank, but for whom you made and shared it;  It wasn’t all the work we put in at the office, but who was laboring along side of us; And, it wasn’t the dinners prepared for us, it was who brought you your plate.

It is important that we discover sooner rather than later that the time people give us is time in their life they will never get back. It is the people with whom we shared life that gave meaning to all those things we do. It is when the people with whom we shared life are no longer present that the things that we did together lose much of their value. They become memories to never be repeated. 

This became a reality to me when Susan, my wife a 54½ years took her Heavenly flight. It was then that I came face-to-face with a reality that much of what defined and gave meaning to my life gone. We had become what scripture calls one flesh and now a part of who I am tis no longer present with me. In a mysterious way when Susan left a great deal at what I did everyday for all those years no longer had significance or meaning.

You see it was not the game that we watched it was the fact that we watched it together and that’s true of every other activity that we shared. 

Because this is true I think it’s important that we learn early on in life that the most valuable thing we give to each other is our time. Time is the most valuable asset that we have. It’s the one possession that when we spend it we will never get it back. So we need to learn to value our time and the time others give to us. We must focus on people because relationships are the real value in life.

I have spent more than 60 years as a Baptist preacher/pastor and I have stood by with many a person as they lay dying and I yet to hear the first person say, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office.” Nope . . . .its all about the people in our lives and especially that special someone who gives our lives meaning.