Single Seniors and Isolation

I recently read a piece on a friends Facebook timeline about the “tragedies” of older single adults. I don’t know that I would refer to them so much as tragedies as I would an unfortunate state of affairs. Additionally, I would not even attempt to assign any order of importance to these unfortunate circumstances in which most single senior adults must deal. For some finances are the major issue in their life. For others it might be loneliness.

However, whatever the specific concerns and their order of importance the one common denominator that seems to permeate the life of single seniors is isolation. This feeling of isolation only serves to exacerbate the other issue they face.  They have spent their whole life solving most of the issues of need and want in their life. Much of what they did supplied a sense of significance that every human needs. 

Much of their life, and yours as well, has been spent in a search for significance. When we were young it may have been found in our school relationships and activities. Later we found it in our job or profession. Many found it in raising their families. We may even have found it in our service through our churches or other service institutions. Sadly, little in what we did all of our life prepares us for the aloneness of being a single senior.

Personally, I know what it is like as a single senior to try and find significance. It takes a lot of faith in God to not fall into the trap of believing that you no longer matter. In my case I spent my whole life with people around . . . not underfoot but around. Beginning with my wife who was at my side for 60 plus year and almost 55 of those as my wife, my companion, my confidant, and my lover. She gave me that sense of significance I craved and that simple “aroundness” that I needed. I frequently felt I could take on anything as long as she was with me. I think most seniors feel that way about each other. Then the thing you dread the most happens. Your spouse takes their heavenly flight and suddenly you are alone. Alone in a way and to a depth you have never before experienced. But have no fear, should the Lord tarry, “your day will come” and you will be reminded by well-meaning folks that you are not alone because the Lord is with you.

As strange as it may seem to those not living that experience being told that the Lord is with you, while true, is not particularly reassuring. To be sure, those single seniors who are Christians know that the Lord is with them. They have spent their entire lives trusting Him and in fellowship with Him. Very few single senior Christians need to be reminded that “the Lord, the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (1 Chronicles 28:20) They have lived their entire lives trusting the Lord.

But after hearing it again and again it takes on the meaning, whether true or not, of “I don’t have time for you.” Single seniors begin to feel like the perpetual bridesmaid but never the bride or the young wife who is the only one in her group of girlfriends still without a child. We are social being. God created us that way. Hence after creating man God observed that it was not good for a man to be alone so enter stage left . . . woman. As long as man and woman lived and interacted with increasing unity their basic social needs were met. That is why married seniors fair better than single seniors. They have each other. Single seniors need social interaction, mental stimulation, positive emotional stimulus and physical contact to remain vibrant human beings.

I sometimes think that is the reason God allowed second marriages after the death of a spouse. It is to fill that need for basic social interactions. Until sin entered the picture it appears that death was not a part of man’s existence. They were to spend eternity becoming one. Problem solved. But alas, sin did become a part of man’s experience and with it came death and aloneness. 

I suppose there are a multitude of reasons (those reasons can just as easily be excuses) for the feeling of isolation experienced by single seniors. The one I hear the most is that people are just too busy to check in on those who live alone.  

It is just a sad fact of life that lifelong friends are either in the same boat or fast getting into that boat. They are hampered by health issues, financial issues, or great distances that pretty much confine them. Sadder yet is when senior singles family members (understand children & grandchildren) are busy with their own lives and seldom think about their single family member. All of these are legitimate reasons and offer a good explanation, but they are also excuses used to salve our conscience. All of this contributes to the feeling and belief of the single senior that, “I just don’t matter. If I died today, who would care or even notice?”

All I can say here is that regarding the single seniors in your life you must be intentional, or you will unintentionally be using excuses instead of giving reasons.  

Depression is often a result of extended isolation.  Depression can lead to other health issues.  Just because a single senior is still working does not mean they don’t get lonely and long to see, hear, and touch the people they love. What can we do to help? 

“It is not good for man to be alone” but

I have wanted to say this for some time now but didn’t know just how to say it. I still don’t know how to say it without sounding critical, self-serving and/or running the risk of it being misunderstood, misapplied, or hurting or offending feelings and sensibilities.  However, I feel the need to say it because I think what I have to share is secretly felt by a large number of people.

I have learned a lot since Susan went to be with the Lord nearly a year ago. I have learned just how painful the pain the loss of a lifetime soulmate can be. It matters very little what you know cognitively or hold by faith, the sense of loss cuts to the bone. If I live to be 100, I will never judge someone else’s feelings. I will not question their faith, their love for God or their commitment to the Lord Jesus. The only thing I can liken the pain of such loss is the pain of our Lord when on the cross he experienced separation from one person from whom he had never been separated . . . the Father. It is soul pain that results from a wounded soul.

So, there you have one of the pains I and so many that I know have walked with this past year. However, that is not the only pain. I can tell you that I have never felt as alone and isolated as I have this past year. To be sure there have been activities, comings and goings but the “alone time” has been enormously pervasive. 

The initial pain of separation blends with the the pain of an ever-increasing isolation. After a short time, you begin to realize that people who used to just drop by for coffee don’t come as often, soon you find yourself looking forward to sales calls just to have someone with whom to speak. Oh, you try to stay active, but you soon discover that busyness doesn’t solve or resolve anything . . . . if anything it merely delays it. 

You discover the truth of Scripture, “It is not good for man to be alone.” A young man has the bride of his youth and when that union develops as God planed and they become one flesh there is no substitute for the spouse who now resides in the heavens. Personally, I do not need another wife and I have not burning desire to find another. God blessed me with as wonderful a woman as has graced this planet to be my wife and for reasons known only to Him he chose to take her home after allowing her in my life for more than 60 years and nearly 55 of those was husband and wife. He guided us along the pathway He charted for us and brought us into oneness. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a plan “B”. 

Oh, there are those who will say, “God brought someone else into my life to meet that need for companionship.”  I am about that as I am the pain mentioned above. If that is how you see your experience then far be it for me question it. However, when taken as a whole the one common element is “loneliness.”  Some years ago I coined the term “aroundness.” We all seem to miss what I call the “aroundness” of our spouse.  What we are looking for is not another husband or wife but we are looking to replace the “aroundness” that has been taken from us when our spouse departed. I suggest that this is explains the speed with which many marry after the death of their spouse. 

However, I will note that not all marriages are made in heaven . . . that is arranged by God as a part of His eternal purposes. People marry for all sorts of reasons. I know people who married to get out of a dysfunctional home or meet some other need. In time they grow to love one another and God may well bless their union and through His grace and by the Holy Spirit lead them into oneness. 

Don’t misunderstand me here. I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with marrying again after the death of a spouse. Those who know me well know that I have a guiding principle that I apply to these kinds of things. It is, “God does not regulate that which He prohibits and He does not prohibit that which He regulates.”  In my mind, marriage after the death of ones spouse fits into the same category as divorce. In both cases God regulates it and therefore it is permitted. There are a lot of reasons why God may have chosen that route and I suggest that I Corinthians 7:9 where Paul says, “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn” might be one. In our instance the death of a spouse seems to be another. 

I would point out that Paul, who most scholars affirm was a widower, suggested that they remain single. He does point out that it is his personal judgment and not a divine word from the Lord. 

From my perspective no one can ever replace what Susan brought to our oneness. I will never achieve that with another person. It is a onetime eternal condition that takes quantity of time to evolve. But the sense of “aroundness” that Susan brought to my life can be replicated, duplicated or even substituted for. 

Some might suggest that what I am talking about is a companion. I would not argue with that.

My First Mother's Day as a Widower

This year as I think about the upcoming Sunday (07 May 2022) I do so with a heavy heart. It is the first time in more than 50 years that I have not had the mother of my children sitting at my side as we celebrate our mothers. 

Mother's Day is the perfect occasion for a husband to tell his wife just how wonderful she is as a mother. Unfortunately for me and others like me it is a time of remembering just how wonderful a mother she was. 

So, as I sit here anticipating my first Mother’s Day as a widower, I’m overwhelmed with emotions.  There really are no words to adequately express the feelings that are running through me. When the person with whom you created life with has died, this day is most certainly a complicated package of feelings.

I want to shout, yell and holler from the rooftops and say, “You see how great a mom Susan was.” Look how our children turned out . . . . that was her doing!  I want to remind them that it is hard work being a mom especially as a pastor’s wife. I want to take out a newspaper ad that tells everyone how even when Susan was exhausted she persevered and then she’d get up the next day an do it all over again. I want to tell her that I am proud of her and the work she does to ensure our gang of four (if you include me that would be gang of five), not only survived, but thrived. I’m so proud of the mothering she did. Her strength, resilience and humor is shows up in all our lives. I want to tell her one more time, “Sweetheart you are not like the Proverbs 31 woman you ARE that woman.” 

I want to do all those things and more to honor the woman who was the beat of my heart. But (don’t you just love that word “but”) as much as I want to honor her even though she is not here for the first time in more than fifty years, I am filled with crushing sadness and piercing loneliness.  I have life partner into whose eyes I can look and say something hokey like, “You really are the greatest mother that ever lived.” She seemed to love hearing it as much as I loved saying it to her. 

I remember shortly before Susan and I married we were talking about what we wanted to be in life. It was easy for me because God had already laid a claim on my life and called me to preach. We both already knew about me. When I asked her about what she wanted out of life she replied in her own self-effacing way, “All I have ever wanted to be is a wife and mother.”

On December 23, 1966 she became a wife as we pledged our mutual commitments to live together as husband and wife and then on June 25, 1969 she became a mother. Four times during our marriage she walked through the valley of the shadow of death to give birth to our children. 

For the rest of her life she lived her dream. I’d just like to be able to tell her one more time just how great a mom she was.

It Is Not Always Health, Wealth and Prosperity

I don't know if you read the Book of Job very often let alone dwell on Job's speeches therein. 

I love his affirmation in 13:13 where he says to his supposed friends, "Hold your peace, let me alone, that I may speak, and let come on me what will."  I cannot count the times along life's pathway I have wanted to tell some companion, "Would you just shut up long enough to hear what I am saying" Like Job’s friends they are completely misreading what is going on. 

Job’s friends just keep insisting that all the calamities that have come upon him are the result of some sin in Job’s life. Their spiritual insight is limited to what their eyes of flesh see, and their flawed theology tells them. In their minds no one would suffer as Job has suffered unless they have done something terribly offensive to God.

But Job understands better than they that not all suffering is the result of sin and not all prosperity is the product of righteous living. Job knows his own heart and he has not forgotten his own behavior. Job would never say he has not sinned, but he would quickly tell you he has done nothing to offend God. He also knew that those same calamities were testing his faith in a big-time way.

His wife also knew he was a righteous man and had done nothing to warrant such sorrow. She just saw God as unfair and that Job should just curse God for the way He has allowed Job, and by extension her, suffer and just go ahead and die and be done with all this.

As an aside I want to point out that Job’s wife gets something of a bum rap for telling Job to curse God and die but we forget that she has suffered the same loses as has Job. Her world has crumbled . . . she too has lost everything and on top of all that she watched as her husband deteriorated. 

But back to Job. Job knew that there must be a reason for his condition besides his personal sin. Something else was going on and he was caught up in it. I know it is not a popular theme in our feel-good health and wealth religious culture but our suffering as God’s people is not always because of our sin. We miss understand our God when we say He wants His people to be “happy.”  What He wants I for His people to be faithful when they abound and also when they are abased. 

Sometimes we endure hardship, suffering and loss not because of sin but for the glory of God. Dear friends, it is true God wants us to live for him. But John Wesley hit on an eternal truth when he said of those early Methodist, “Our people die well.”  In prosperity or in poverty; in health or in sickness; through trial and tribulation what God wants is for His people to be faithful. He still really does expect us to die for Him.  

Job wanted God to explain what was going on. He was not judging God he was imploring Him. That’s why in verses fourteen and fifteen he announces to His friends that he will be responsible for his life and the way he has lived it and what is more he says he will not change anything about his life or his faith. He will not confess what he has not done, and he fully intends to keep on living as he has in the past. He knew better than they that God was not punishing him for some sinful way. He understood that whatever was going on it wasn’t happening because God was disappointed in him. Actually, he was where he was because he was faithful beyond reproach. He and his family were paying a high cost precisely because of Job’s faithfulness. 

“He also shall be my salvation: for a hypocrite shall not come before him.” Job never wavered in his faith or his faithfulness. He demonstrated to not only Satan but to everyone who knew of him that his faith was genuine. I suppose Job also learned a lot about himself in the process.

All of us go through difficult times that are not punishment for some sin. Mine was the rapid decline and loss of my wife of 54-1/2 years to pancreatic cancer. It seemed that one day we were laughing and enjoying our lives with so many plans for the future and the next we were plunged into pain, sorrow and suffering on a scale never before experienced by us. We struggled with the same issues with which Job grappled. 

I have friends whose whole life has been marked by suffering and pain both physically, emotionally and spiritually. They have faithfully served and sacrificially given to the Lord and yet life for them has been one step forwards and three steps backward. Their life has been marked by very few of the things we think of “the blessings of God.” There life has been as example of faithfulness to God; it has sparked genuine gratitude to God from those materially blessed; their life has had purpose . . . it has meaning beyond the physical.

Truth is that is all Susan and I wanted . . . . we wanted what we were enduring to have meaning to us and to others. That’s precisely what Job wanted . . . . God is not capricious . . . . everything He does is with purpose and has meaning. We must remember that we are not our own because we have been bought at a price, namely, the blood of Jesus. God has the right to use us in was of His own choosing. We must come to the place where we can say, “Nevertheless not my will but thine be done” and when we have come I come through the fire all I want hear is “well done thou good and faithful servant.

Like it or not sometimes people suffer for the glory of God. “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.”

Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!"

I am Thankful today for friends and family both here and in eternity. And I can honestly say I am looking forward to that great reunion day. 

I was reflecting just yesterday on all the people who have touched my life in both big and small ways and how their coming into my life has blessed my life. Each one of you, many who may not remember where or when we met or maybe whether or not we have met, have touched my life in some way and now you are forever a part of the tapestry of who I have become. Thank you!

I am thankful that God loved me and that He loved me enough to give His son for me. I am thankful that He called me to salvation and then placed in my heart not only the call to preach but the desire to preach the unsearchable riches of God's love and grace in Christ Jesus.  

I am thankful that God put a young woman in my life who was the perfect pastor’s wife. We were not the same in so many ways. But we both Loved the Lord. When our hands touched and our lips met as teenagers, I only thought I had won her heart and she only thought she had captured mine. As time passed, we came to see that the reason we had the lifetime love affair with each other is because God was our matchmaker. We didn’t choose each other . . . no indeed. God gave us to each other as a part of His purposes.. 

This year I want to add to my “Thank you.” I say, "Thank You, Lord" for allowing Susan and I to have a life together here in this world that spanned more than 60 years . . . . 54-1/2 of those as husband and wife.  I cannot remember a time in our life together that the Lord did not supply our needs - both great and small. By His grace we achieved what so few couples obtain . . . we literally became one flesh in the fullest sense of that terminology. Somewhere along the journey we ceased to be two travelers on the same road and became a single traveler that embodied the two of us. 

Thanksgiving 2021 was the hardest of my life. Susan and I as we became one flesh ceased to experience the same things separately. Somewhere along the way we began to share them singularly. Now I face life without a part of who I am. It is not a matter of discovering the new me . . . the one without Susan because that person does not exist. I still experience life as if she were present . . . . and, in some way she is and always will be. 

Our relationship never was superficial but over a lifetime our union became stronger and deeper spiritually. Somewhere along life's journey she got into my heart and into my soul and I did the same with her. This is why when someone asked me about her passing, I responded with, “It feels like someone has ripped out a large part of my soul.”  And that my friend is something only God can do. Our spiritual DNA is the same. 

As mentioned above, this is the first Thanksgiving in over 60 years when we did not celebrate the blessings of God together and I must tell you it seems so strange and wrongheaded to me right now. But I know God did not make a mistake when he brought us together as a couple back in the 1960's and He did not make a mistake when he led us into becoming one flesh and while I don’t understand all that He is doing right now He did not make a mistake when He called Susan home. 

Let me be clear . . . . Susan and my life together are a reflection of what God is doing in bring redemption to mankind. I now know something of how Jesus felt when at about the ninth hour He cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?' that is, 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?' The separation I felt at Susan’s home-going is reflective of the separation Jesus felt that day. To be sure, what I have experienced is not the same as to the reason for the separation or the degree and depth that it was felt but it gives me a deeper understanding and a greater appreciation for what He endured for me. 

Now for some speculative thanksgiving. I have every reason to believe that just as the separation of Jesus from the Father because Jesus became sin was but for a short time so the separation that death (the first cousin of sin) brought to Susan and myself will also be short lived. I fully expect to join her in Paradise either through passing through my own death experience or when I experience the transformation from the physical to the spiritual realm when Jesus returns for His own.

Now here is something glorious about that One Flesh thing I mentioned earlier . . . all that death is capable of doing is separating the body from the spirit and soul. We often speak of Christ in us as the hope of glory and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Hence, we are connected to God the Father through Jesus His son and the Holy Spirit (Spirit of God) who abides within us (in our soul and spirit). 

Well, something similar, though not the same, takes place in the becoming one flesh process. Without spelling out all the theology of “One Flesh” suffice it to say it involves all aspects of our person . . . . body soul and spirit. There is a song that has the lines . . . “I said I'm wrapped up, tied up, tangled up in Jesus, He's all I need.”  

Becoming one flesh is being wrapped up, tied up, tangled up body and spirit with each other. It is two people, a man and a woman, becoming something new, something that did not exist before, in both time and kind. It is something that God enables and something that cannot be undone. It is becoming one as Jesus and the Father are one. Small wonder that Paul would use this oneness of marriage to help us understand the nature of the church and the church's relationship to Jesus. 

I cannot reach out and touch her and I cannot sit and hold her hand because she has at God’s bidding laid down the body that constrained her. When she laid that body aside, she flew away to Jesus and Paradise where she now awaits the day I take my flight and join her in paradise. But in the meanwhile, our love goes on . . . love never fails . . . love never ends.

So, Lord, I just want to say, "Thank You!" Thank You for being so good to me . . . Thank you for letting Susan love me and I her. Because you did, I better understand your love for us . . . . for me.

I Love How You Love Me

It has been eleven months since the love of my life left for her eternal home and I still miss just about everything about her . . . . her voice . . . . her touch . . .  her look . . . . the way she smelled and the way she smiled. But, most of all I missed the way that she loved me.

Next to the love of God working in my life Susan is the best thing that ever happened to me. Truth is, Susan was and, in some ways still is, a part of the Lord's working in my life. I have written in the past about how God brought us together and the miracles he wrought to do that. We, in looking back over the years, could easily discern the hand of God working to bring us together and then to grow us into oneness. Our relationship was the Lord's doing and it marveled us as we lived it and then when we looked back on it. 

I have been unapologetic in stating that Susan taught me how to love. She did it without uttering a word or giving advice. Her whole life was about loving others, but it was more than that. The way that she loved reflected the love of God being shed abroad as she lived each day. Every day of my life I knew that she loved me unconditionally with her whole heart. It was reciprocal. 

I remember our first kiss and how my knees went weak but I also remember our last kiss. It was on the day that she left for heaven. That kiss touched my soul. We never kissed that I did not feel the powerful love she had for me. We often, especially in our later years, referred to our marriage as our life-long love affair because that is really what it was. No other human being touched my soul the way she did. She was truly God’s love gift to me.

When you love the way we do even something as simple as glace of them across the room causes strong feelings of affection and attachment. As lovers after God’s own heart we have this overwhelming urge to do whatever you can to bring happiness to each other. 

Love is indeed a feeling, but love is also and action and the best kind of love is both at the same time. Love is a feeling that produces a love action in response to that love feeling. Truly loving someone means caring for them in the ways that they need to be cared for, with no strings attached. It is what the Bible calls Oneness and making up what is lacking but needed in one another.

I tell you it may take two to Tango but someone has to ask for the dance. It was while learning to dance with each other that we earned how each other needed to do the dance. We danced and we danced and we danced until no one noticed us anymore, they just saw the dance. Some people get lost in the 50's but Susan and I got lost in each other. I believe that was God’s purpose for our life together.

Randy Travis said it in a country way when he wrote and sang . . . “My love is deeper than the holler, Stronger than the river, Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill. My love is purer than the snowflakes, That fall in late December, And honest as a Robin on a springtime window sill, And longer than the song of a whippoorwill”

Barry Mann and Larry Kolber wrote a song first recorded by the Paris Sisters that could in many ways be how we thought of each other. The song is “I love How You Love Me.” When two people love how they love each other it just doesn’t get any better this side of heaven . . . I say it is a little piece of heaven on Earth.

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your heart beats
Whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
Without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But, darling, most of all
I love how you love me

There is no greater love than what Jesus has for you and me and apparently Susan took Jesus seriously. In John 15:12 Jesus said, “I want you to love one another, as I have loved you.”  That’s what Susan did and I am better for it. What makes this so wonderful is the fact that she had no idea the impact of her life of loving changed other people's lives . . . . not insignificantly, my life. She taught me how to love by just being who God made her to be. 

And me, I just praise His holy name because He chose me to be the one to be loved by her. Just convinces me the more how great is the love of God . . . .

My friends, let God love through you . . . it will make you a great lover.

Is a Happy Marriage Just Dumb Luck?

Every now and again someone will remark to me how lucky I was to have had a long happy marriage. I must confess, I am indeed happy to have had a long and happy marriage. However, I do not relegate that happiness in my marriage to luck.  Marriage was ordained of God with purpose before the fall of man. For a marriage to be successful it must fulfill God's purpose for it (note: I did not say a happy marriage. I said successful one). There is no such thing as luck when it comes to a happy fulfilling marriage.

I think people should understand the marriage is not the place where you develop your individuality. It is the context to which you bring your individuality and blend it with that of your marital partner so that over time the two become one. Marriage requires both giving and receiving . . . it is a sharing relationship. 

My number one goal in my marriage was to honor my wife, Susan. Her number one responsibility to our marriage was to honor me. It is also important to understand that and how it works in a growth experience where we help one another on the journey. It is the process of becoming one flesh.

Honestly folks if you would just take the principles enunciated in 1st Corinthians 13 and apply them to your marriage relationship, I believe you would discover a happier and more satisfying marriage. Keep in mind that the chapter closes by saying now abideth these three, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love . . . Love never fails.”  I must point out that while love never fails people often do. Therefore, keep no record of wrongs.

Susan and I spent most of our lives building on the relationship that we had before we married. Each of us believed very strongly that ours was literally a marriage made in heaven. We believed our coming together as husband and wife was a part of God’s plan for each of us. We further believe that God moved in our lives in such a way as to bring us together as young teens. 

In addition to believing that God has brought us together as husband and wife, namely, that he has chosen us to be husband and wife before we actually knew one another, that he put us together for His purposes and not ours. What I’m trying to say is that from even before we decided to get married, we both had a sense of God’s calling on our lives. So, I can say without reservation or fear of contradiction when God put Susan in my life, he gave me the perfect companion for my calling and my temperament.  

Because we believe that we had been chosen by God for each other and that as a couple He had chosen for some purpose we took seriously the vows that we made on our wedding day. The goal of our marriage, whether stated or just assumed, was that one day we would cease to be two separate entities and become one in the Lord. 

The promises we made to each other on a cold Winter’s Night on December 23, 1966, were more than simply words repeated in the ceremony. Our promises to love one another, support one another and to care for one another were made in all earnest and seriousness. They were promises made to one another in the presence of God’s people and in the sight of the Almighty himself. Those words should not and for us as God's children could not be taken lightly. I also recall that they included a promise to one another to help each other find our fulfillment as a person. In short you might say that when we said, "I do we really meant I will until the end of time." 

It was clear to us that after our devotion to God and our commitment to one another were of the highest priority. Susan was to come before everyone else in my life and I was the priority of her life. We firmly believed that if we took care of our relationship, we could better maintain all others, including those with our children. It was equally clear that unless we kept our relationship with God in order, we couldn't keep our own relationship together. I once told a man in an interview that our marriage was a success because it was a threesome . . . me, Susan and the Lord.

From the moment that we said I do, and even before that, we focused our attention on one another. By that I mean that we were always seeking ways to please each other. Rare was the occasion where either of us sought to find what we could get out of the relationship for ourselves. The irony of our relationship was that at our core we were very much the same are public personas . . . but we were hardly similar.

With that said I also need to point out that’s simply because we believe God has brought us together and we had promised to be faithful and true and supportive of one another all the days of our life does not mean our journey of love did not have its difficult times. For us however those proved to be just difficulties along the way that served to strengthen our bond in the Lord.

Like I said in the beginning, I am happy that Susan and I had a good marriage relationship. I know that many do not, and I suppose there are as many reasons for that as there are people struggling in their relationships. But I am convinced, based upon my own experience, that when we are able to put self aside and think only of the well-being of our spouse, we have a good chance of having a good happy marriage.

Susan and I found that we could not build are relationship without being together a great deal of the time. It is a myth that you can have quality time without quantity of time. Make the most of the time you have together. Create ways to make more time together possible . . . share life.

I want to add that having a good marriage for many years does not mean the things were always easy or that you are happy all the time. There is an old saying among Baptist that goes like this, “Lord you keep the pastor humble at will keeping poor.” To say the least, trying to maintain a household with four children during early Ministry was a financial challenge. I mention financial challenges because it seems the finances are a major source of conflict in marriages

For example, very first church that I served as pastor I was paid a grand total of $9,800 a year. Of that at least $980 a year went back to the church in the form of a tithe. Remember, they kept the records. Then there were they myriad of special mission and love offerings. I only mention that to point out that not only did we have early marriage adjustment, but financial matters were always an issue in our household. Fortunately for us the Lord always provided what we needed, and we were content with what He provided even when we were not always happy to do without the things we may have wanted. We learned to live without them. The one thing that came from our financial struggles was not conflict but cooperation. Susan learned to cloth and feed our family creatively. She seemed to always find the bargains. Parenthetically, I learned allow her great leeway with the household budget.

Another area that often becomes an issue in marriage is marital intimacy. Husbands tend to be demanding wives tend to want to negotiate. I can honestly say this was never an area of difficulty for Susan and myself. When we got married, we were like two calves looking at a new gate. It was on the job training for us, but it was never a tool to be used it was always a gift to be given. Quite frankly we considered all of our married life the intimacy between a husband and wife a holy thing for which we ought to be able to give thanks to God. But we also learned to honor one another in this area as well.

So, when you see a couple, you have been married for decades don’t think it was just dumb luck. Like I said in the beginning, there is no such thing as luck when it comes to a good marriage. They have overlooked many of failing shortcoming and fault they spent their years together learning and understanding one another. Loving has never been a matter of luck it is mutual giving sharing, caring, mercy, patience and yes, from time-to-time submission to one another. But in our case, the real secret ingredient was God active and involved in our lives. 

Being married is summed up in the verse that says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his
mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Becoming one flesh has everything to do with sharing your lives together as husband and wife. You don’t only share a home and a bed. You’ll share joy and sorrow. You’ll share your hopes and fears. You’ll share your successes and failures. You’ll share your money and possessions. You’ll share your bodies and souls. You share everything with each other. And in the process, God weaves you together as one. You’re two people truly united.