Another Part of Our Journey into Oneness

I have been asked many times how Susan and I developed a deep level of love and commitment in our marriage. The answer to that is too complex to answer here. There are many factors that go into developing a relationship like the one Susan and I shared. Many of those factors are unconscious while others evolve over time and still others were conscious decisions. Today, I’ll mention two of the important ones. 

The first and foremost is that we both decided early on that God and our relationship to and fellowship with Him individually and as a couple was vital. We knew that relationship had to be nurtured and developed if we were going to have what we both wanted . . . a relationship with each other that mirrored our relationship with God. I do not believe you can have what we had apart from a powerful sense of the presence of God in your life. 

The second was to prefer the other over our self. Understand, our life together was a journey into oneness and there are plenty of other factors that play into that journey. They are the spokes of the wheel that is our life. 

I am going to try to shed a little light on the logistics of making that a reality. What I share below is just one spoke in what was the wheel of our relationship. 

From the time I graduated from seminary and became a full-time senior pastor I have had to travel and over time that travel burden only increased. Now understand, I didn’t mind the travel, but I began somewhere early on in our journey into oneness that it put an added burden on her.     

Many years ago now, I made a decision that if I was going to be away on either professional or personal business Susan would have the choice to go with me if she wanted to do so. I was so committed to this that I would drive from Kilgore, Texas to Pasadena, Texas to take our daughter to “Gramma’s” house so Susan could attend a two-day meeting in Dallas, Texas. Those of you who have for any length of time lived in Texas know how crazy that seems. 

Most of the time Susan chose to go and we turned every single trip, of which there were many, into personal couple growth opportunities. People who know me are aware of the many, many trips we have taken over the years both in Ministry and the travel industry.

Understand that while my business-related travel was paid for, I still had to pay her cost. Over time people that I worked with at these events came to expect her to be there. A few even involved her in what we were discussing and/or planning . . . one executive once referred to her as the most valuable non-paid advisor he had. But I am beginning to digress.

My point is, we used our responsibilities as opportunities to spend more time together than we would have otherwise. There is a little-known axiom that says, “In order to have quality time together you must have quantity of time.” It was with this principle in mind that we always looked for ways to exploit my required travel for our personal gain. 

We also frequently planned extended stays in the area where I had to be. Sometimes, we used that city as a jumping off place for a cruise or a tour or just a couple of extra nights in the hotel. At conventions, conferences and trade show hotels were always good to give us the “convention rate” for a few days post conference. My point is, we found a way to get quantity of time. This in turn gave us the opportunity to create quality time with each other that gave us “time and place” where we did all the little things that mean so much in a relationship. 

Somewhere along the way we became a team, no more than a team, we became one.

If Only This Were True

If only this were true what a wonderful world this would be. But alas it is a cute phrase that does not convey the truth of the matter. Both men and women who are the recipients of “love, care, time and attention” have plenty of opportunities to cheat on their spouses and some do. I have often thought about what is there in us that some will succumb to temptation and others will not. Why does the cheater cheat? Do people cheat and become cheaters or are they cheaters who cheat? 

By the way, everything I will say in this post applies equally to men and women.

I remember the day when as a young man of 19 I looked into the eyes of a 19-year-old young woman named Susan and surrounded by God’s people, standing in the presence of God’s spokesman and before the eyes and ears of the Almighty Himself I promised that young woman that, among other things, I would be “true to her and her alone as long as we both shall live. I remember feeling the weight of that promise. I knew I meant what I said to her that day. I knew she was accepting my words at face value and believing I would honor that sweeping promise. At the same time, she was making the very same promises to me. By God’s grace we kept those promises.

Unfortunately, a lot of other people have made, and others will make, those same promises to each other under the same circumstances but somewhere along the line they will yield to temptation, break their vow and betray the trust of their spouse. The question is, why do some remain faithful, and others do not. 

Setting aside, at least for the moment, Jesus’ sweeping statement in Matthew 5:28 where he declares, “But I say unto you, 'That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart'” and look at why people cheat on each other. Let’s take a look.

I don’t think it is necessary to define what I mean by cheating on one’s spouse. I suspect we all know what that is. However, for the sake of clarity let me define what I mean by cheating . . . . Cheating is when one spouse betrays the other spouse’s trust and breaks the promise of maintaining emotional and sexual exclusivity with them. 

Let me also say up front what else we know to be true and that is that everyone of us has a strong desire for self-gratification. It may be among the strongest we have but it does not have to be the strongest and certainly not the controlling desire. As the king once said why he did a certain thing replied, “It pleasures me.” That is not too far from the excuse, “I did it because I could.”  Now, if this need for self-gratification exceeds the love and intimacy a person is getting from a relationship and commitment and loyalty are weak or missing it can lead to infidelity. Mark the words “it can lead to” . . . . It can but infidelity is not inevitable. 

So, we have defined the area wherein conflict can arise. Counselors and Psychologist will give you a long list of why men and women cheat on each other. Those lists are all attempts to explain why a certain person acted out the way they did, i.e., cheating on their spouse. However they try to describe a given cause in a given case the truth what they are actually doing is adding color commentary to the picture. Behind all of that descriptive and justifying language is “it's all about me.” Even when we play the blame game and put the onus on our spouse, it is still “all about me.”

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4) I don’t know how many times I have been asked since by beloved wife of almost 55 years went to be with the Lord about how we managed to stay married that long. Seems that is a question that flows out of the fact that so many marriages end in divorce sometime within the first ten years. I know it first was brought to my attention more than 30 years ago when as I checked out of a Phar-Mor Pharmacy, I handed the clerk a 50th Anniversary Wedding card. I still remember her response, “Wow, do people actually stay married that long?” My answer always followed along the line of, “Well, yes . . . at least many of my friends and acquaintances do.

Legally people can get divorced for any reason or even no reason at all. Biblically God only recognizes one acceptable reason and that is adultery. In Levitical law, adultery was so serious that if a man slept with another man’s wife, the adulterers would both be put to death (Leviticus 20:10). I’m going to be honest, if this were still the method of today, I know a few people who would not be alive.

The consequences of adultery (betrayal) are devastating in so many ways. However, we must never forget that Jesus is redemptive. If we love Him, He will work events in our lives together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28). However, our choices do come with consequences. Even though there is grace and forgiveness for our sins we should never push the limit on that grace and live against God’s laws. 

In John 8, Jesus was asked to stone a woman for adultery. He began to tell the people whoever had never sinned throw the first stone and they all eventually left. Jesus, who was the only one who never sinned, chose not to condemn her, but to forgive her and call her to leave her life of sin.

Adultery comes in a variety of forms. There is pornography . . . . viewing or reading graphic materials that are sexual. There is flirting . . . . trying to entice another through smooth words and using inappropriate language with another who is not your spouse. There is sexual relations . . . . encountering another person sexually who is not your spouse. There is sexting . . . . sending inappropriate messages or images to someone who is not your spouse. And there is lusting . . . . having sexual fantasies about another person who is not your spouse.

So, with all this with which to contend, what is one to do. I would suggest that you begin by making sure you have a very close walk with the Lord. Second, I also suggest that as husband and wife you do things together and not separate. Thirdly, I also suggest you avoid emotional adultery . . . sharing your personal thoughts, feelings, and emotions with another person other than your husband or wife. 

Marriages are so important and valuable to the Lord. They are a gift that He has given to us that are to model His love for His church. When we commit adultery, we not only ruin the image of our own marriages, but we taint the view of God’s love to others as revealed through our marriage. We need to take this very seriously and rely on the Holy Spirit to help us succeed in purity. The Christian marriage is in reality a spiritual threesome . . .  It is composed of a man, a woman and the Lord himself. For believers Jesus is Lord of their individual lives and He must be Lord of their marriage. What God has joined together let not man put asunder . . . especially by not being unfaithful to the promises made to each other before God. 

People give a lot of reasons and even more excuses as to why they cheated on their spouse but that is all they are, excuses. The truth is a good man who truly loves you and is committed to you will be loyal to you as well. I have lived now a long time in this old world, and I can tell you that every man I know has had the opportunity to "cheat" (I call it betray) on his wife at some point in their marriage and some do, but not every man does. Instead of trying to understand why some cheat I suggest we consider why others don’t cheat.

A man remains faithful not because you give him love, care, time and attention. Too be sure he likes all of those things, and they will certainly help the relationship grow and mature. There are all sorts of things one can do to bring a husband-and-wife relationship into the Biblical goal of oneness. Chief among these is always trying to become a better person and always putting your spouse first . . . . even before yourself. It is a matter of being kindly affectioned one to another with godly love and in honor preferring one another.

A husband remains faithful because he is a man of character who will not trade his character for a bowl of soup. He is loyal to his wife in spite of being tempted because of who he is . . . . a man of character. A man who truly loves his wife simply will not betray her trust for a few moments of carnal gratification.

No man was ever loved by a woman as was I and no woman was ever loved by a man as was my wife. However, our fidelity to each other was born out of our view of self and each other and not what we provided for one another. Good men have more self-respect than that and they certainly have more respect toward their wives. Back to that night 55 plus years ago when I sealed a promise already made . . . . it was heavy on me because I understood that being unfaithful was just not an option . . . . it was a promise. 

To paraphrase Scripture, If I cannot be faithful to my wife who I have both seen and touched how can I be faithful to God whom I have not seen and touched? If I love her with every fiber of my being, how can I entertain the thought of being betraying the trust she has placed in me.

When we promised to be true to our wives until death do us part, we were saying not only will I love you, but I’ll be true to you until the day one or the other of us dies. Some of us can't seem to stop even after our spouses dies. I remember saying to my sweet Susan, “Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your God my God: Where you die, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.”

Dear friend, a promise made is a commitment to keep . . . your honor is on the line. 

As Time Goes By

 

I recently read a posting about someone’s childhood experience and how they related to that experience, and it got me to thinking about my own growing up years. I have learned, over time, that during my formative years my house and its furnishings were not that much different from those of my friends and classmates. In later years, as an adult, I learned from many of them that their home life in those houses was not really that different from mine either. A few had it better and a few had it harder but most of us were having a very similar experience. 

Over the years I have developed relationships with people in the various circles in which I moved. I had my ministry friends, my college and seminary friends and my academic friends, church member friends, travel industry friends and because in all of all of those friend categories my international friends. Different in so many ways the one thing they all have in common is that I think of them as friends. If I were a rich man, I’d rent a nice hotel with a great hall and have them all together in one place so I can say “Thank You” for enriching my life. 

I believe that God has a plan for our lives that makes us a part of His greater plan for mankind. As a part of that plan He brings people in and out of our lives. Some are a part of our lives the whole of the time while others only for a short span. Some come into our lives early and leave only to return in later years. It is an amazing process and such a joy when one is aware of what is taking place.  When we realize God is doing all this weaving to accomplish something bigger than ourselves and at the very self-same time He is shaping us into the expressed image of His dear Son. As He weaves the tapestry we call our life He never drops a stitch. He even uses the bad experiences of life as opportunities to enrich us. There is a sense in which I am what I am because of who you, my friends, are. God is making something beautiful of our lives.  

However, over the years there has been a strange and dare I say almost spiritual connection with the group of people with whom I started this journey we call life. Because our lives went so many directions after May 1965 so many were not seen again for 25 years and others for 45 years and yet I feel as though in some kind of mystical way they have walked with me every day of my life.  When I walked the school hallways with them I thought we were all so very different and now as I come to the end of my journey I see we were really not that different at all. 

I have not forgotten my best friend all through Junior and senior high school even though it has been more than 58 years since I last saw or even spoken to him. I am sure I am poorer for that. On the other hand, a few people with whom I rarely spoke or associated with in those days have become precious friends. However, it doesn’t seem to be the frequency of time spent together or of conversations shared that give my fellow PHS Class of 1965 a special place in my heart of hearts. I weep over the passing of people about whom I know little or nothing and I find myself rejoicing with those who find new happiness in our senior years and I am saddened when they hurt. But as strange as it may seem I feel drawn to the members of that class. I don’t know why . . . I just know it is so. Maybe you can tell me.

I find myself wishing I could reach around all of us and bring us into our own private Brigadoon. So many of these folks are people of faith . . . . the Christian faith. That means that one day God will bring us together in our own eternal Brigadoon . . . we call it Paradise. Paradise becomes in many respects a paradise because so many of you will be there. Intellectually I know that not all will be there but I see them there none-the-less. Heaven in my mind is like now except without flaws and sin.

So, for all the big and small ways that you, the members of the PHS Class of 1965 have touch, help shape and continue to minister to my life I say, “Thank you.” In spite of my doubts, fears and anxieties in May 1965 about what the future held for us you seem to me to have succeeded in life. A few made it materially and few fell through the cracks but by-in-large you managed to become great people. If no one else has told you lately, then let me do it now, “You are indeed loved.” I know because I have love in my heart for you. I can’t explain it but it is there none-the-less. 

By the way, If you are a 1965 graduate or attended Pasadena High School in Pasadena, Texas between 1962-64 but were transferred to and graduated from Sam Rayburn in 1965 you should check out our class page on Facebook . You can keep up with what's happening there and you'll know when our next class "Gather with a Few Old Friends" dinner is scheduled. 

Proper Attire for the Pulpit. What is it?

I recently responded to a post on Facebook dealing with what constituted proper attire for a minister when preaching. Here is the post: “I would like everyone tell me if your preacher wears a suit to preach? I haven’t been to a church service in 25 years that a preacher wears one.  I don’t believe anyone will find a scripture in the Bible that requires that . . . .”  

Ordinarily I would have answered with a yes or no. However because I took “I don’t believe anyone will find a scripture in the Bible that requires that” as a kind of off-handed challenge I decided to be a little more expansive in my response. 

I began my thought process by recalling my own experience as a Baptist preacher. That experience covers a period of time starting in about 1963 to the present or about 60 years of observation and involvement. I have observed preachers from around the world and must confess that they have worn all sorts of attire. 

I may be wrong, but here are some of my thoughts on why clothing matters when we’re preaching. I do believe that what the preacher wears in the pulpit and at public speaking engagements is more than just a matter of personal choice. After all, preaching is not about us. 

As the vessel through which God delivers His message we cannot help but be noticed. However, we should never outshine the message or deliberately call attention to ourselves. After all that is the main thing in preaching. I will add, that however one dresses it needs to be clean, fit well, appropriate and not be a distraction from the sermon. Now with that said, hear is what I think . . . .

Since finding a chapter and verse that delineates how a preacher is to dress for the pulpit seemed to be a challenge of some sort I want to address it first. Let me be the first to say that there is nothing in Scripture that says in a straightforward manner anything like, “And the Bishop shall wear ___________.” However, that does not mean Scripture inform a preachers choice of attire. 

You see, the preacher’s attire when preaching is not a matter of chapter and verse in Scripture. Scripture. There are in Scripture whose underlying principle would apply. For example Paul’s discussion of meat offered to idols in both Romans 14:21 and Corinthians 8:13. Certainly First Corinthians 10:23, where Paul says, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not" is informative.

So, in typical preacher form I have four points and but no poem. 

First the attire of the preacher in the pulpit is largely and issue of contextualization. It needs to fit the time, place and occasion. What works in one church may not work in another. Keep in mind you can rarely over dress but it is really easy to under dress. In my personal experience, my last church seemed to prefer at a minimum a coat and tie, but I preferred a suit (I did both) for all Sunday services. I have found that acceptable attire for any church. In some instances like weddings I have worn my doctrinal robe. All of the churches where I served would not have minded if I wore pants and a Polo shirt on Sunday nights and other weekday services. I want my dress to fit the occasion. Loving people well means being willing to contextualize my attire so others might hear the Word. I do not want my dress to distract from the main thing . . . the preaching of the Gospel. As a preacher we need to know our audience; we need to know the occasion; and we need to dress appropriate for both.

My second thought is that what the preacher wears does send signals intended or not. On the negative side it may say things like, “I’m still living in the 70s” or “I’m messy.” In other cases, it says, “I like to rebel against tradition” or “perhaps I’m too lazy to iron my shirt.” On the positive side in might say, “I want to become all things to all men” so some might be saved. These perceptions may be just that—only perceptions—but we still need to recognize them when we preach. You preach on heaven and all the congregation remembers is that goofy tie you work or the chest hair sticking out above the top button of your shirt. 

My third thought is that how the preacher dresses can be part of an intentional ministry outreach strategy. Perhaps the best illustration is the pastor who wears a coat and tie in a traditional service, but who then wears jeans with an untucked shirt for the contemporary or evening service. He’s doing that intentionally because of the church’s desire to reach multiple generations through different services.

My final thought is that how the preacher dresses can distract from the message. When your clothing looks strange (or even just decidedly different), it’s not always easy to hear your message because of the visual distraction. I suppose we can blame that issue on the hearers, but it’s our responsibility as the communicator to figure out how to communicate most effectively. I remember the days of the flamboyant evangelists with their flashy clothes. They certainly got your attention don’t know about whether their message always got through. 

As preachers we have a responsibility not to allow our clothing choices to hinder someone’s hearing the message. To paraphrase Jesus, “Take heed that you do not dress to be seen of men: otherwise you have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.” Again, it is an issue of contextualization. 

I also think these apply to church members as well. My grandfather might have worn coveralls to church but they would be his newest and cleanest. May I suggest that how we dress might be a reflection of how we view God. The real question is not what should I wear but am I dressing to please myself, to impress others or to honor and please God. After all, God looks on the intent of the heart.

Proper Attire for the Pulpit. What is it? You tell me in the Comments below.

Choose You This Day . . . .

In light of the events of today, namely the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, my mind has been revisiting the journey we have made since I committed my life to the preaching of the gospel and the changes in our national morality and ethics. I somehow think that event today in Uvalde is a consequence of that journey. Historically, these kinds of things had their beginning in that same decade.

I do not think anyone would deny that since the 1960's there has been a gradual and steady change in our society’s morality. In 1967 or 1968 I was on a Houston television station discussing Joseph Fletcher and his book Situation Ethics and where it would take us if his ideas to take hold of the American mind. Since then, we have seen our mores, moral standards and ethics change from absolute to situational to individual. Progressives would generally see this as a good thing while conservatively minded people would see it as not good. 

However, one feels about it there is no denying that our morality has drastically changed as we have moved from community consensus to the idea of personal choice. Many things which were viewed as unequivocally wrong are now being standardized.  Because of my age I have personally witnessed this change. I have watched as things like sexual promiscuity, pedophilia, abortion, graphic violence, drug abuse, pornography, hate crimes and any number of other things have moved from being absolutely forbidden to being normalized and acceptable.  

This is not to say that these things did not exist in the past, because they did, but rather, it is to show the way that our society has warped its definition of morality; consequently, many people have come to govern themselves by what they feel is right.  We have succumbed to a gradual rejection of moral absolutism. I would suggest that is the result of changing ideas of a moral standard or authority outside ourselves. In our country that would be both a corrupting of the Judeo-Christian ethic as expressed in Scripture by Christians and an outright rejection of it by non-Christians. Together they constitute an unholy alliance.  

The Judeo-Christian ethic provides the moral authority for behavior. Moral absolutism attests that every action is classified as either right or wrong.  This goes against today’s views that claim that there is much so much grey area that one cannot have a one standard fits all approach to human conduct. These would say the line between good and evil is ambiguous, and the circumstances determine what is the right course of action.

For Christians and Muslims, the one thing they unequivocally agree on is that there are moral and ethical absolutes by which individuals, communities, cultures and institutions are to conduct themselves in society. For Christians moral absolutism generally rests on the belief that life is a spiritual experience. Additionally, as Christians we believe that the Bible is our sole authority for both faith and practice . . . what we believe and what we do and how we do it.  God is the one who sets right and wrong, and His rules are clear. For the Muslim it is the Quran. 

While Christianity and Islam are the number one and two religions in the world by size there is a third group that I will simply call unbelievers (they profess no religion). This third group represents about 16% of the world people. They deny God and in so doing have no external authority for moral behavior. Group three is growing at about the same rate a Christianity is declining.

A large and steadily rising, number of people are shifting due to a lack of belief in a God or a higher power that sets absolute morals.  This mind set leads people to choose their own definition of right and wrong, and therefore, we see increases in and acceptance of many actions which were previously viewed as immoral. This defines the battle for America that we are witnessing in our day.

Those who deny God generally define right and wrong on the basis of how they feel about it at any given time. This becomes “their truth.” It is very much akin to the experience of the Jews when there were no judges in the land, and everyone did what was right in their own mind.  This clear turn from moral absolutism by young people coupled with the general decline in religious peoples understanding of Scripture means that right and wrong will only continue to blur, and those previously immoral actions will continue to normalize, while those who still believe in moral absolutism will become more and more peculiar.

At this point, while faced with this moral relativism, we must right our ship. We have two options. One option is to do nothing and just continue on our present downward spiral or we can bring our ship around and sale into these perverse winds that lead to anarchy. We can continue to refuse to define right and wrong and let our society remain on the path that is running our American culture amuck. It will, like a leaky faucet continue dripping until it becomes a stream corrupting all careers and classes.  

On the other hand, we can choose to change our “social” thinking to recognizing that people do not have the individual luxury of determining their own rights and wrongs. Christians need to return to a high view of Scripture as the Word of God and the authority for how we live. If we choose this option, we might see a change in the direction we are going as a people.

I do not expect the world to do anything to get us back on track because God seems to have put the responsibility on His own people. We Christians hold the key. The promise of restoration is given to God’s people not people in general. It starts in the house of the Lord. We must start the painful process of getting the world, the false preacher and teachers and the mercenaries out of the church. God has said, “If my people.” There it is, the big “If.” It might well be if and when my people "which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will heal their land."

Well, there you have it. God has told us what to do. "Choose you this day who you will serve . . . ." All that remains is to do it

Husbands Keep Loving Your Wife!

Marriage in America is a vanishing institution. More than half of the marriages in America will never reach the “until death do us apart” stage. Society reflects the consequences of the disintegration of the home (family unit). In any given year will more than half of all marriages will end in divorce.

I was married to the same woman for nearly 55 years . . . a woman who I have known since she was about 13 or 14 years old . . . . and if I have learned anything, it is that I am not smart enough to speak for what any woman wants in a relationship. But through those years of growing up and growing together I have observed a few things that I think might be helpful to couples. Here is one thing I have experienced and observed.

First, unless God brought you together, don’t even entertain the notion that what brought you together will keep you together. If, like my Susan and me, God brought you together you’d better accept early that it will take Him to keep you together. And if you are as “in love” as you felt you were then look for the clues He is giving you to keep you together and bring you into oneness. 

Hey guys, when you started your journey together, she was saying to you “Take my hand and don't you ever let go.” Believe me when I tell you that the day your wife stops wanting and asking for your affection you are already in real relationship trouble. When she quits reaching out for your hand as you walk together you had better recognize that an emotional line has been crossed that is important to your husband-wife relationship. That is the day she has decided she’s done.

So to make it contemporary, “Put your phone down . . . look at her . . . listen to her.”  She wants your focus to be on her. She wants to be seen and heard. I don’t care how long you have known your old “school buddies” she became your top priority in life the day you pledge your love to her. She needs and wants your affirmation. She wants to know that she is still “the chosen one” in your life. 

Under God she is the single most important person in your life and as such is entitled to you complete devotion. You need to give your attention to her and all that she does. That devotion, whether you know it or not, is not demonstrated in flamboyant expressions on special days. It is seen in how you acknowledge all the “crap” she does trying to keep your home together. Everything from picking up toys, making sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom, keeping up with and reminding you of your appointments and a thousand other things that go unnoticed until they go undone.

I remember a lady once told her husband as we were discussing their relationship, “I want to be seen, I want to be noticed and I ant to be appreciated.” Here’s what she was really saying: :I want you to show me that you even know I am in the room. You act as though I am invisible. Furthermore I want you not only to see me, but to see what I do around this place. I am your exhausted chief cook and bottle washer and then you want me to be your lover. I need you to know who I am and to recognize and appreciated what I do.” 

My dear brothers, when your wife asks for your help, please understand it means she wants and needs YOU! Instead of calling her a nag, change that light bulb or fix the leaky faucet when you say you will. Doing what you said you’d do builds trust. I recently had a call from a man whose wife had passed and he said, “I don’t know what to do now. I have finished all the 'honey do's' she wanted from me but she is not here to know it.”  It may be funny to say you don’t need to remind a man every six moths to do something, He’ll eventually do it.

Guys, your wife will fight like a tiger for your love and affection but over time taking all that she is and does for granted as though you had some other love will end badly. Your wife wants your love, she wants to spend time with you, she needs you to affirm again and again that you need and want her. Remember those wedding day words, “Forsaking all others I take you?” . . . well, she needs and wants to hear them and see them in action. My brother you had her love when you left the church on your wedding day and you still have it now so don't loose it through inattention.

 If you find yourself on the precipice then remember the words of Jesus to the Ephesian church, "You have left your first love, Therefore, keep in mind how far you have fallen. Repent and perform the deeds you did at first."

What I am trying to say is, show her you’re on her side. Show her that she is the most important person in your life. She gave her life to you when you were married don’t let that prove to be a mistake.  Be her friend . . . . Be her support . . . . Be her cheer leader . . . . Be her safe place. 

Take her hand when she’s at her best and even better take her hand when she’s at her worst. whether it’s mentally or physically and notice her. See her and choose her through the highs and the lows, and all in between of life. “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death. This is my solemn vow." Through the bad times and the good. The tiring and the fun. Choose her, Every second, every minute and every day.”

I have heard this story told several times over the years but the truth it conveys is timeless. "My mom always cooked tasty food. But, one day she put a burnt pie in front of dad. Not just a little burnt but, black as coal. I waited to see what dad would say. But he just ate the pie and asked “How was your day?” Then I heard mom apologize to him for his supper. I'll never forget his response. "Darling, I liked your pie." Later, I asked him if he had told the truth. He put his arm on my shoulder and said, "Your mom had a tough day at work, she was tired. The burnt pie didn't harm me but, a sharp word could have hurt her." We all make mistakes. We shouldn't focus on mistakes but, support those we love.

Gentlemen, Love your wife not just in word but in deed as well. My Christian brother, “Love your wife as Christ has loved the church.”

Ladies, I’d love to hear what you think.

Single Seniors and Isolation

I recently read a piece on a friends Facebook timeline about the “tragedies” of older single adults. I don’t know that I would refer to them so much as tragedies as I would an unfortunate state of affairs. Additionally, I would not even attempt to assign any order of importance to these unfortunate circumstances in which most single senior adults must deal. For some finances are the major issue in their life. For others it might be loneliness.

However, whatever the specific concerns and their order of importance the one common denominator that seems to permeate the life of single seniors is isolation. This feeling of isolation only serves to exacerbate the other issue they face.  They have spent their whole life solving most of the issues of need and want in their life. Much of what they did supplied a sense of significance that every human needs. 

Much of their life, and yours as well, has been spent in a search for significance. When we were young it may have been found in our school relationships and activities. Later we found it in our job or profession. Many found it in raising their families. We may even have found it in our service through our churches or other service institutions. Sadly, little in what we did all of our life prepares us for the aloneness of being a single senior.

Personally, I know what it is like as a single senior to try and find significance. It takes a lot of faith in God to not fall into the trap of believing that you no longer matter. In my case I spent my whole life with people around . . . not underfoot but around. Beginning with my wife who was at my side for 60 plus year and almost 55 of those as my wife, my companion, my confidant, and my lover. She gave me that sense of significance I craved and that simple “aroundness” that I needed. I frequently felt I could take on anything as long as she was with me. I think most seniors feel that way about each other. Then the thing you dread the most happens. Your spouse takes their heavenly flight and suddenly you are alone. Alone in a way and to a depth you have never before experienced. But have no fear, should the Lord tarry, “your day will come” and you will be reminded by well-meaning folks that you are not alone because the Lord is with you.

As strange as it may seem to those not living that experience being told that the Lord is with you, while true, is not particularly reassuring. To be sure, those single seniors who are Christians know that the Lord is with them. They have spent their entire lives trusting Him and in fellowship with Him. Very few single senior Christians need to be reminded that “the Lord, the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (1 Chronicles 28:20) They have lived their entire lives trusting the Lord.

But after hearing it again and again it takes on the meaning, whether true or not, of “I don’t have time for you.” Single seniors begin to feel like the perpetual bridesmaid but never the bride or the young wife who is the only one in her group of girlfriends still without a child. We are social being. God created us that way. Hence after creating man God observed that it was not good for a man to be alone so enter stage left . . . woman. As long as man and woman lived and interacted with increasing unity their basic social needs were met. That is why married seniors fair better than single seniors. They have each other. Single seniors need social interaction, mental stimulation, positive emotional stimulus and physical contact to remain vibrant human beings.

I sometimes think that is the reason God allowed second marriages after the death of a spouse. It is to fill that need for basic social interactions. Until sin entered the picture it appears that death was not a part of man’s existence. They were to spend eternity becoming one. Problem solved. But alas, sin did become a part of man’s experience and with it came death and aloneness. 

I suppose there are a multitude of reasons (those reasons can just as easily be excuses) for the feeling of isolation experienced by single seniors. The one I hear the most is that people are just too busy to check in on those who live alone.  

It is just a sad fact of life that lifelong friends are either in the same boat or fast getting into that boat. They are hampered by health issues, financial issues, or great distances that pretty much confine them. Sadder yet is when senior singles family members (understand children & grandchildren) are busy with their own lives and seldom think about their single family member. All of these are legitimate reasons and offer a good explanation, but they are also excuses used to salve our conscience. All of this contributes to the feeling and belief of the single senior that, “I just don’t matter. If I died today, who would care or even notice?”

All I can say here is that regarding the single seniors in your life you must be intentional, or you will unintentionally be using excuses instead of giving reasons.  

Depression is often a result of extended isolation.  Depression can lead to other health issues.  Just because a single senior is still working does not mean they don’t get lonely and long to see, hear, and touch the people they love. What can we do to help?