Choose You This Day . . . .

In light of the events of today, namely the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, my mind has been revisiting the journey we have made since I committed my life to the preaching of the gospel and the changes in our national morality and ethics. I somehow think that event today in Uvalde is a consequence of that journey. Historically, these kinds of things had their beginning in that same decade.

I do not think anyone would deny that since the 1960's there has been a gradual and steady change in our society’s morality. In 1967 or 1968 I was on a Houston television station discussing Joseph Fletcher and his book Situation Ethics and where it would take us if his ideas to take hold of the American mind. Since then, we have seen our mores, moral standards and ethics change from absolute to situational to individual. Progressives would generally see this as a good thing while conservatively minded people would see it as not good. 

However, one feels about it there is no denying that our morality has drastically changed as we have moved from community consensus to the idea of personal choice. Many things which were viewed as unequivocally wrong are now being standardized.  Because of my age I have personally witnessed this change. I have watched as things like sexual promiscuity, pedophilia, abortion, graphic violence, drug abuse, pornography, hate crimes and any number of other things have moved from being absolutely forbidden to being normalized and acceptable.  

This is not to say that these things did not exist in the past, because they did, but rather, it is to show the way that our society has warped its definition of morality; consequently, many people have come to govern themselves by what they feel is right.  We have succumbed to a gradual rejection of moral absolutism. I would suggest that is the result of changing ideas of a moral standard or authority outside ourselves. In our country that would be both a corrupting of the Judeo-Christian ethic as expressed in Scripture by Christians and an outright rejection of it by non-Christians. Together they constitute an unholy alliance.  

The Judeo-Christian ethic provides the moral authority for behavior. Moral absolutism attests that every action is classified as either right or wrong.  This goes against today’s views that claim that there is much so much grey area that one cannot have a one standard fits all approach to human conduct. These would say the line between good and evil is ambiguous, and the circumstances determine what is the right course of action.

For Christians and Muslims, the one thing they unequivocally agree on is that there are moral and ethical absolutes by which individuals, communities, cultures and institutions are to conduct themselves in society. For Christians moral absolutism generally rests on the belief that life is a spiritual experience. Additionally, as Christians we believe that the Bible is our sole authority for both faith and practice . . . what we believe and what we do and how we do it.  God is the one who sets right and wrong, and His rules are clear. For the Muslim it is the Quran. 

While Christianity and Islam are the number one and two religions in the world by size there is a third group that I will simply call unbelievers (they profess no religion). This third group represents about 16% of the world people. They deny God and in so doing have no external authority for moral behavior. Group three is growing at about the same rate a Christianity is declining.

A large and steadily rising, number of people are shifting due to a lack of belief in a God or a higher power that sets absolute morals.  This mind set leads people to choose their own definition of right and wrong, and therefore, we see increases in and acceptance of many actions which were previously viewed as immoral. This defines the battle for America that we are witnessing in our day.

Those who deny God generally define right and wrong on the basis of how they feel about it at any given time. This becomes “their truth.” It is very much akin to the experience of the Jews when there were no judges in the land, and everyone did what was right in their own mind.  This clear turn from moral absolutism by young people coupled with the general decline in religious peoples understanding of Scripture means that right and wrong will only continue to blur, and those previously immoral actions will continue to normalize, while those who still believe in moral absolutism will become more and more peculiar.

At this point, while faced with this moral relativism, we must right our ship. We have two options. One option is to do nothing and just continue on our present downward spiral or we can bring our ship around and sale into these perverse winds that lead to anarchy. We can continue to refuse to define right and wrong and let our society remain on the path that is running our American culture amuck. It will, like a leaky faucet continue dripping until it becomes a stream corrupting all careers and classes.  

On the other hand, we can choose to change our “social” thinking to recognizing that people do not have the individual luxury of determining their own rights and wrongs. Christians need to return to a high view of Scripture as the Word of God and the authority for how we live. If we choose this option, we might see a change in the direction we are going as a people.

I do not expect the world to do anything to get us back on track because God seems to have put the responsibility on His own people. We Christians hold the key. The promise of restoration is given to God’s people not people in general. It starts in the house of the Lord. We must start the painful process of getting the world, the false preacher and teachers and the mercenaries out of the church. God has said, “If my people.” There it is, the big “If.” It might well be if and when my people "which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will heal their land."

Well, there you have it. God has told us what to do. "Choose you this day who you will serve . . . ." All that remains is to do it

Husbands Keep Loving Your Wife!

Marriage in America is a vanishing institution. More than half of the marriages in America will never reach the “until death do us apart” stage. Society reflects the consequences of the disintegration of the home (family unit). In any given year will more than half of all marriages will end in divorce.

I was married to the same woman for nearly 55 years . . . a woman who I have known since she was about 13 or 14 years old . . . . and if I have learned anything, it is that I am not smart enough to speak for what any woman wants in a relationship. But through those years of growing up and growing together I have observed a few things that I think might be helpful to couples. Here is one thing I have experienced and observed.

First, unless God brought you together, don’t even entertain the notion that what brought you together will keep you together. If, like my Susan and me, God brought you together you’d better accept early that it will take Him to keep you together. And if you are as “in love” as you felt you were then look for the clues He is giving you to keep you together and bring you into oneness. 

Hey guys, when you started your journey together, she was saying to you “Take my hand and don't you ever let go.” Believe me when I tell you that the day your wife stops wanting and asking for your affection you are already in real relationship trouble. When she quits reaching out for your hand as you walk together you had better recognize that an emotional line has been crossed that is important to your husband-wife relationship. That is the day she has decided she’s done.

So to make it contemporary, “Put your phone down . . . look at her . . . listen to her.”  She wants your focus to be on her. She wants to be seen and heard. I don’t care how long you have known your old “school buddies” she became your top priority in life the day you pledge your love to her. She needs and wants your affirmation. She wants to know that she is still “the chosen one” in your life. 

Under God she is the single most important person in your life and as such is entitled to you complete devotion. You need to give your attention to her and all that she does. That devotion, whether you know it or not, is not demonstrated in flamboyant expressions on special days. It is seen in how you acknowledge all the “crap” she does trying to keep your home together. Everything from picking up toys, making sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom, keeping up with and reminding you of your appointments and a thousand other things that go unnoticed until they go undone.

I remember a lady once told her husband as we were discussing their relationship, “I want to be seen, I want to be noticed and I ant to be appreciated.” Here’s what she was really saying: :I want you to show me that you even know I am in the room. You act as though I am invisible. Furthermore I want you not only to see me, but to see what I do around this place. I am your exhausted chief cook and bottle washer and then you want me to be your lover. I need you to know who I am and to recognize and appreciated what I do.” 

My dear brothers, when your wife asks for your help, please understand it means she wants and needs YOU! Instead of calling her a nag, change that light bulb or fix the leaky faucet when you say you will. Doing what you said you’d do builds trust. I recently had a call from a man whose wife had passed and he said, “I don’t know what to do now. I have finished all the 'honey do's' she wanted from me but she is not here to know it.”  It may be funny to say you don’t need to remind a man every six moths to do something, He’ll eventually do it.

Guys, your wife will fight like a tiger for your love and affection but over time taking all that she is and does for granted as though you had some other love will end badly. Your wife wants your love, she wants to spend time with you, she needs you to affirm again and again that you need and want her. Remember those wedding day words, “Forsaking all others I take you?” . . . well, she needs and wants to hear them and see them in action. My brother you had her love when you left the church on your wedding day and you still have it now so don't loose it through inattention.

 If you find yourself on the precipice then remember the words of Jesus to the Ephesian church, "You have left your first love, Therefore, keep in mind how far you have fallen. Repent and perform the deeds you did at first."

What I am trying to say is, show her you’re on her side. Show her that she is the most important person in your life. She gave her life to you when you were married don’t let that prove to be a mistake.  Be her friend . . . . Be her support . . . . Be her cheer leader . . . . Be her safe place. 

Take her hand when she’s at her best and even better take her hand when she’s at her worst. whether it’s mentally or physically and notice her. See her and choose her through the highs and the lows, and all in between of life. “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death. This is my solemn vow." Through the bad times and the good. The tiring and the fun. Choose her, Every second, every minute and every day.”

I have heard this story told several times over the years but the truth it conveys is timeless. "My mom always cooked tasty food. But, one day she put a burnt pie in front of dad. Not just a little burnt but, black as coal. I waited to see what dad would say. But he just ate the pie and asked “How was your day?” Then I heard mom apologize to him for his supper. I'll never forget his response. "Darling, I liked your pie." Later, I asked him if he had told the truth. He put his arm on my shoulder and said, "Your mom had a tough day at work, she was tired. The burnt pie didn't harm me but, a sharp word could have hurt her." We all make mistakes. We shouldn't focus on mistakes but, support those we love.

Gentlemen, Love your wife not just in word but in deed as well. My Christian brother, “Love your wife as Christ has loved the church.”

Ladies, I’d love to hear what you think.

Single Seniors and Isolation

I recently read a piece on a friends Facebook timeline about the “tragedies” of older single adults. I don’t know that I would refer to them so much as tragedies as I would an unfortunate state of affairs. Additionally, I would not even attempt to assign any order of importance to these unfortunate circumstances in which most single senior adults must deal. For some finances are the major issue in their life. For others it might be loneliness.

However, whatever the specific concerns and their order of importance the one common denominator that seems to permeate the life of single seniors is isolation. This feeling of isolation only serves to exacerbate the other issue they face.  They have spent their whole life solving most of the issues of need and want in their life. Much of what they did supplied a sense of significance that every human needs. 

Much of their life, and yours as well, has been spent in a search for significance. When we were young it may have been found in our school relationships and activities. Later we found it in our job or profession. Many found it in raising their families. We may even have found it in our service through our churches or other service institutions. Sadly, little in what we did all of our life prepares us for the aloneness of being a single senior.

Personally, I know what it is like as a single senior to try and find significance. It takes a lot of faith in God to not fall into the trap of believing that you no longer matter. In my case I spent my whole life with people around . . . not underfoot but around. Beginning with my wife who was at my side for 60 plus year and almost 55 of those as my wife, my companion, my confidant, and my lover. She gave me that sense of significance I craved and that simple “aroundness” that I needed. I frequently felt I could take on anything as long as she was with me. I think most seniors feel that way about each other. Then the thing you dread the most happens. Your spouse takes their heavenly flight and suddenly you are alone. Alone in a way and to a depth you have never before experienced. But have no fear, should the Lord tarry, “your day will come” and you will be reminded by well-meaning folks that you are not alone because the Lord is with you.

As strange as it may seem to those not living that experience being told that the Lord is with you, while true, is not particularly reassuring. To be sure, those single seniors who are Christians know that the Lord is with them. They have spent their entire lives trusting Him and in fellowship with Him. Very few single senior Christians need to be reminded that “the Lord, the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (1 Chronicles 28:20) They have lived their entire lives trusting the Lord.

But after hearing it again and again it takes on the meaning, whether true or not, of “I don’t have time for you.” Single seniors begin to feel like the perpetual bridesmaid but never the bride or the young wife who is the only one in her group of girlfriends still without a child. We are social being. God created us that way. Hence after creating man God observed that it was not good for a man to be alone so enter stage left . . . woman. As long as man and woman lived and interacted with increasing unity their basic social needs were met. That is why married seniors fair better than single seniors. They have each other. Single seniors need social interaction, mental stimulation, positive emotional stimulus and physical contact to remain vibrant human beings.

I sometimes think that is the reason God allowed second marriages after the death of a spouse. It is to fill that need for basic social interactions. Until sin entered the picture it appears that death was not a part of man’s existence. They were to spend eternity becoming one. Problem solved. But alas, sin did become a part of man’s experience and with it came death and aloneness. 

I suppose there are a multitude of reasons (those reasons can just as easily be excuses) for the feeling of isolation experienced by single seniors. The one I hear the most is that people are just too busy to check in on those who live alone.  

It is just a sad fact of life that lifelong friends are either in the same boat or fast getting into that boat. They are hampered by health issues, financial issues, or great distances that pretty much confine them. Sadder yet is when senior singles family members (understand children & grandchildren) are busy with their own lives and seldom think about their single family member. All of these are legitimate reasons and offer a good explanation, but they are also excuses used to salve our conscience. All of this contributes to the feeling and belief of the single senior that, “I just don’t matter. If I died today, who would care or even notice?”

All I can say here is that regarding the single seniors in your life you must be intentional, or you will unintentionally be using excuses instead of giving reasons.  

Depression is often a result of extended isolation.  Depression can lead to other health issues.  Just because a single senior is still working does not mean they don’t get lonely and long to see, hear, and touch the people they love. What can we do to help? 

“It is not good for man to be alone” but

I have wanted to say this for some time now but didn’t know just how to say it. I still don’t know how to say it without sounding critical, self-serving and/or running the risk of it being misunderstood, misapplied, or hurting or offending feelings and sensibilities.  However, I feel the need to say it because I think what I have to share is secretly felt by a large number of people.

I have learned a lot since Susan went to be with the Lord nearly a year ago. I have learned just how painful the pain the loss of a lifetime soulmate can be. It matters very little what you know cognitively or hold by faith, the sense of loss cuts to the bone. If I live to be 100, I will never judge someone else’s feelings. I will not question their faith, their love for God or their commitment to the Lord Jesus. The only thing I can liken the pain of such loss is the pain of our Lord when on the cross he experienced separation from one person from whom he had never been separated . . . the Father. It is soul pain that results from a wounded soul.

So, there you have one of the pains I and so many that I know have walked with this past year. However, that is not the only pain. I can tell you that I have never felt as alone and isolated as I have this past year. To be sure there have been activities, comings and goings but the “alone time” has been enormously pervasive. 

The initial pain of separation blends with the the pain of an ever-increasing isolation. After a short time, you begin to realize that people who used to just drop by for coffee don’t come as often, soon you find yourself looking forward to sales calls just to have someone with whom to speak. Oh, you try to stay active, but you soon discover that busyness doesn’t solve or resolve anything . . . . if anything it merely delays it. 

You discover the truth of Scripture, “It is not good for man to be alone.” A young man has the bride of his youth and when that union develops as God planed and they become one flesh there is no substitute for the spouse who now resides in the heavens. Personally, I do not need another wife and I have not burning desire to find another. God blessed me with as wonderful a woman as has graced this planet to be my wife and for reasons known only to Him he chose to take her home after allowing her in my life for more than 60 years and nearly 55 of those was husband and wife. He guided us along the pathway He charted for us and brought us into oneness. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a plan “B”. 

Oh, there are those who will say, “God brought someone else into my life to meet that need for companionship.”  I am about that as I am the pain mentioned above. If that is how you see your experience then far be it for me question it. However, when taken as a whole the one common element is “loneliness.”  Some years ago I coined the term “aroundness.” We all seem to miss what I call the “aroundness” of our spouse.  What we are looking for is not another husband or wife but we are looking to replace the “aroundness” that has been taken from us when our spouse departed. I suggest that this is explains the speed with which many marry after the death of their spouse. 

However, I will note that not all marriages are made in heaven . . . that is arranged by God as a part of His eternal purposes. People marry for all sorts of reasons. I know people who married to get out of a dysfunctional home or meet some other need. In time they grow to love one another and God may well bless their union and through His grace and by the Holy Spirit lead them into oneness. 

Don’t misunderstand me here. I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with marrying again after the death of a spouse. Those who know me well know that I have a guiding principle that I apply to these kinds of things. It is, “God does not regulate that which He prohibits and He does not prohibit that which He regulates.”  In my mind, marriage after the death of ones spouse fits into the same category as divorce. In both cases God regulates it and therefore it is permitted. There are a lot of reasons why God may have chosen that route and I suggest that I Corinthians 7:9 where Paul says, “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn” might be one. In our instance the death of a spouse seems to be another. 

I would point out that Paul, who most scholars affirm was a widower, suggested that they remain single. He does point out that it is his personal judgment and not a divine word from the Lord. 

From my perspective no one can ever replace what Susan brought to our oneness. I will never achieve that with another person. It is a onetime eternal condition that takes quantity of time to evolve. But the sense of “aroundness” that Susan brought to my life can be replicated, duplicated or even substituted for. 

Some might suggest that what I am talking about is a companion. I would not argue with that.

My First Mother's Day as a Widower

This year as I think about the upcoming Sunday (07 May 2022) I do so with a heavy heart. It is the first time in more than 50 years that I have not had the mother of my children sitting at my side as we celebrate our mothers. 

Mother's Day is the perfect occasion for a husband to tell his wife just how wonderful she is as a mother. Unfortunately for me and others like me it is a time of remembering just how wonderful a mother she was. 

So, as I sit here anticipating my first Mother’s Day as a widower, I’m overwhelmed with emotions.  There really are no words to adequately express the feelings that are running through me. When the person with whom you created life with has died, this day is most certainly a complicated package of feelings.

I want to shout, yell and holler from the rooftops and say, “You see how great a mom Susan was.” Look how our children turned out . . . . that was her doing!  I want to remind them that it is hard work being a mom especially as a pastor’s wife. I want to take out a newspaper ad that tells everyone how even when Susan was exhausted she persevered and then she’d get up the next day an do it all over again. I want to tell her that I am proud of her and the work she does to ensure our gang of four (if you include me that would be gang of five), not only survived, but thrived. I’m so proud of the mothering she did. Her strength, resilience and humor is shows up in all our lives. I want to tell her one more time, “Sweetheart you are not like the Proverbs 31 woman you ARE that woman.” 

I want to do all those things and more to honor the woman who was the beat of my heart. But (don’t you just love that word “but”) as much as I want to honor her even though she is not here for the first time in more than fifty years, I am filled with crushing sadness and piercing loneliness.  I have life partner into whose eyes I can look and say something hokey like, “You really are the greatest mother that ever lived.” She seemed to love hearing it as much as I loved saying it to her. 

I remember shortly before Susan and I married we were talking about what we wanted to be in life. It was easy for me because God had already laid a claim on my life and called me to preach. We both already knew about me. When I asked her about what she wanted out of life she replied in her own self-effacing way, “All I have ever wanted to be is a wife and mother.”

On December 23, 1966 she became a wife as we pledged our mutual commitments to live together as husband and wife and then on June 25, 1969 she became a mother. Four times during our marriage she walked through the valley of the shadow of death to give birth to our children. 

For the rest of her life she lived her dream. I’d just like to be able to tell her one more time just how great a mom she was.