I will Arise and Go . . . .

Sometimes It Feels Like I Am Drowning

My prayer and my goal for today is simply Psalm 103 . . . all

Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.   Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; . . . . Let all that hath breath bless His holy name. 

Dear brothers & Sisters in Christ take it from someone who knows . . . . when people tell you that you're stronger than you think and you know you are barely making it through long days and lonely nights . . . . when you're down and your life is running on a tank that the fuel gage says is setting on empty . . . . when it takes what energy you have left to rejoice with them that rejoice because the joys of others only remind you of your own sense of emptiness and aloneness. 

That’s when something just clicked in my mind. As I was reading that psalm the Spirit of God brought to my mind the Parable of the Lost Sons and how the principles Jesus lays down in that story might apply to those drowning in grief. I believe there is a message of hope wrapped in this parable for all those who have suffered loss.

In the gospel of Luke chapter 15, verses 11-32., Jesus tells the parable of the prodigal sons. In the original parable Jesus speaks of two sons. One, the older son, remains within the authority of his father (reminds us you don’t have to leave the father’s house to be wayward) while the younger son demands his share of the father’s estate . . . his inheritance which he in short order manages to recklessly squander in a life of indulgence. In the end he finds himself destitute, friendless and alone. It is when he is at the end of his rope and can’t take it anymore, he decides to return to the father’s house where he is warmly welcomed.

For my purposes it doesn’t matter how the younger son found himself in the slough of despondency. In his case it was his own self-centered life of indulgence that landed him the hog pen of his life. For other, they may find themselves in a pit because of events over which they have little or no control. Others may find themselves there because that’s where their ministry is. Still others, like myself, find themselves in the pit because of the loss of a spouse or child. 

As an aside, I want to say a word or two to those well-meaning folks who keep saying God want you to know happiness. I think that might have been what Paul was thinking when in II Corinthians 12:6–7 he mentions repeatedly asking God to remove a certain “thorn in his flesh” and every time God answered he said “no.”  God want you to be faithful and due your reasonable service and that should be happiness enough.

I know I have asked God every day for the past 6 months to lift this cloud from my heart and mind that came over me after my precious wife, who I can’t remember not being in my life, went to be with the Lord. I don’t know what Paul’s thorn was but I do know what mine is. I suspect you actually know what yours is. 

I mention the “thorn in the flesh” because I am not talking about some “besetting” sin. I’m talking about a life experience that colors all your life and alters the filters through which you view your life. We may reach the place where we understand that this is God’s will for our life as He works through us to accomplish His purposes. 

Keep in mind that while our burden seems unbearable God, who knows us better than we know ourselves, has not promised us happiness. What He has promised is that He will not load us down with a burden we cannot carry and that if it reaches that point, he will open a way of escape. For some it is the joy of the Lord, not their joy but that of the Lord, that becomes their strength and allows them to live and faithfully serve with their own personal “thorn in the flesh.” 

I don’t know that the younger prodigal leaving to be on his own was his sin but it certainly resulted from a sinful heart that produced a foolish lifestyle that led to his impoverishment and as the father would say of him upon his return . . . .  “Was dead” and was “lost” (ὅτι ο τος ὁ υἱός μου νεκρὸς  ν καὶ ἀνέζησεν,  ν ἀπολωλὼς καὶ εὑρέθη). I think this sentence could be applied in a variety of ways. In the parable the son is clear as to what he means. He says, “I have sinned” and that he feels his unworthiness to be any longer called “son” (οὐκέτι εἰμὶ ἄξιος κληθ ναι υἱός σου).  

Truth is, it doesn't really matter much how we got to where we are in life the answer is the same . . . . a return to the Father’s house. The words “sinned” and “unworthy” came out of the younger son’s mouth because he took the father’s blessing and wasted it in riotous living. But the answer to his problem was a return to the father’s house. 

Did you notice that the Father even while saying his son was “dead” and “lost” still called him son. Nothing has changed to negate I John 3:2 where we read these glorious words, “Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.”

There are two themes that I believe are important to the story of the prodigal sons. First, is the idea of helpless lostness that hides the real answer to getting out of the pit of despair. Second is the need to return to the Father’s house. 

For those of us who are grieving over our loss that very process often blinds us to the answers to our needs. The God bestowed “one flesh” gift that God gives to some few of his children can cause give birth to a depth of grief when one spouse is set free to actually return to the Father’s house.  I know, I live there. 

To be sure it is not where I want to be neither is it where I should be as a child of God. Everything that I know and everything that I believe points to this separation as an interlude in the symphony God in Christ is composing in the oneness Susan and I became. But, and oh what a but it is, when a man and a woman become one flesh, they are no longer two but one and I dare say to brother Paul, you haven’t had a thorn until you get this one. It didn’t arise from sin; it wasn’t the result of carelessness. It is there so that God's strength can be made known through our weakness.

By the way, about the only thing in which a man and a woman can’t actually become is "one flesh physically." The body is designed for this world and when God calls his children home they have to drop that old body. Interestingly enough in becoming one flesh it is a soul and spirit thing and not of the flesh. I used to tell Susan, I didn’t fall in love with your body though it makes a mighty fine package but I looked into your eyes and saw your soul and that’s what won my heart. Susan was the woman in whom my soul delighted and for 54-1/2 years of marriage and more than 60 years in some level of relationship that’s what we, unbeknown to ourselves most of the time, were doing - - - becoming one flesh. And here is the glorying part . . . . we actually became one. 

It is this becoming one spiritually that I am coming to believe that set the timing for Susan’s going to be with the Lord. I suspect that aspect of God’s will for our life had achieved all that He intended as long as we are together in the flesh. This doesn’t mean the becoming one has ended but it does mean that until whatever his purpose is for my remaining behind are there is still work to be done.  Ah, but I digress.

My point is that sometimes we can’t see the Father’s house because of our sin; sometime because of our pain; and, sometime because of our grief. We are, in a sense blind. Once we recognize our need to return to the Father’s house, we must actually start the journey that will bring us to the Father’s house . . . it is there we find our resources. In my mind this is the hard part. 

We, like the prodigal, seem to have this need to keep digging until we finally realize where our deliverance is not in knowing the answer to our need but to stop digging. But just because we have stopped digging does not mean we are out of the hole in which we are stuck. 

I know I changed the metaphor from feeding swine to digging a whole. Feeding the swine is also a useful metaphor here because we often keep feeding our sadness and sorrow. Don’t be guilty of feeding your own pain. In the story Jesus told the young man had to stop what he was doing, turn toward home and start walking.  

Don't forget there is a spiritual dimension to overcoming the debilitating effects of deep grief. It is not one of those things that you can do by the might or power of the flesh. Neither is it something your mind can conquer. It is only by the Spirit of God that this depth of sorrow. God is present the Lord is at work and the Spirit is moving in you during these days but all you feel is your sense of loss. Pray that soon you like the two disciples on the road to Emmaus suddenly realize, “Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road . . . ." Like Saul of Tarsus Jesus will meet you somewhere along the journey and point you to where your eyes will be opened and you shall see all this as God sees it . . . like you spouse in eternity now sees it. Oh, if only we could see as God doth see . . . . one day we will

The truth is the deeper and longer the love has been shared between a man and a woman the deeper and longer the pain of separation. When we find ourselves struggling, we need follow the example of the younger son in the parable of the lost sons and realize that it is time to return to the Father's house.  In the vernacular, it is time to go to Daddy's house . . . .to go home . . . to return to the God of our fathers. Somehow, we need to find our way back home. 

Don't forget, the prodigal didn't just decide to go to the father's house and somehow, he magically arrived at the house. There were plenty of steps to be taken on the way home. Each one of those steps filled with fear and inward pain. It wasn't until a point in time known only to his father that felt his father's hand on his shoulder and knew from the touch that all is now well.

BTW - don't fall into the trap of the older brother and resent the return to normalcy of your friends while you are still struggling. Misery may love company but it shouldn't . . . . instead rejoice with what energy you have that they have been so blessed. 

The good news is that when we get in sight of home the Father doesn't wait for us to get to Him He comes out to meet us as we are coming . . . . where we are not where we are going to be.

It is when we find ourselves at this place that we need to find a way to cast our care on the Lord and let the joy of the Lord be our strength. Reach up as best you can and take hold of God's hand . . . . He's reaching down to take it. Get up and lean on God. To those who are feeling lost right now like me, we'll get through it. One step at a time.

I have stopped praying for deliverance and started praying . . . 

 “Open my eyes that I may see

glimpses of truth thou hast for me.

Place in my hands the wonderful key

that shall unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

Open my ears that I may hear

voices of truth thou sendest clear,

and while the wave notes fall on my ear,

ev’rything false will disappear.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my ears, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

Open my mouth and let me bear

gladly the warm truth ev’rywhere.

Open my heart and let me prepare

love with thy children thus to share.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my mouth, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

I suppose if you want a succinct statement, I'll just have to quote my dear friend Vicky Murphey's last two spoken words, "Trust God." Yep, that's it . . . . trust God. 

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  I think it is time we sore up on the wings of eagles; and, I know I am ready to run and not become weary; and, at my age I'll be happy just to walk and talk with Jesus along the rest of my life's way." Even so, come Lord Jesus.

“The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away.”

Let me give you some context for what I want to say . . . . I have mentioned before that the very first Bible verse I remember hearing came from the lips of my paternal grandfather. By all accounts and with what little experience I had with him he was a Godly man. It was not one of the verses that so many learn at an early age but a line spoken by Job. It is found in chapter one verse 21 where Job says, “The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away.” I learned it as an object lesson from this saint of God. 

Staying at his home and sitting at his table  enjoying all the grandfather attention I decided I didn’t want what was on my plate but rather wanted dessert first. After a few minutes of my headstrong bad behavior he reached over . . . . took my plate and said, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord . . . son you are now dismissed from the table.”

Secondly, this verse took on major significance when my wife of almost 55 years and with whom I had literally become “one flesh” in its full meaning passed from a side affect of her chemotherapy treatments for pancreatic cancer. This all happened in the midst of the infamous Covid-19 pandemic. I will go to my grave with the words of one oncologist in Houston ringing in my ears. Long story short, he said to me, “Based calling your wife’s medical history for the last two-and-a-half years she reported serious symptoms early enough for me to believe had she receive treatment then we would have had a very different conclusion. Your wife did not die with Covid-19 but she did die because of Covid-19.”

What he was telling me was that the most precious gift God had given me was taken because the healthcare system and the government failed. The pressure and restraints placed they upon doctors during the Covid-19 pandemic caused them to refuse referrals and new patients. As a result, my dear wife was unable to receive diagnosis and treatment until her cancer had metastasized. Unfortunately, metastasized pancreatic cancer is incurable. I watched has the most precious gift God has given me withered and died. 

It was when what I learned from my grandfather collided with what I experienced with the passing of my wife that I finally came to grips with Job’s dilemma. 

Unwittingly I was introduced by my grandfather to the Doctrine of the Sovereignty of God. I did not fully comprehend the full meaning of what he was teaching me that day. I have come back to that verse too many times because I had lost something.  However, as the years passed, little by little, I began to see there was more to this verse than just losing something. However, when my wife passed it put me on a collision course with the Sovereignty of God.

These two experiences form the context for what I want to say.

Somewhere in that journey I realized that with regard to this verse (Job 1:21b) I was always focusing on the negative. You know, “The Lord . . . and taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. 

I suppose that which does not give us good feelings will inevitably be where your focus falls. We had something that pleased us, that helped us, that encouraged us and in my case in many ways was a part of us that was taken from us. I could spend time talking about the many examples of gain and loss in a material way but rarely are we so dependent upon anything material that if taken away could not be repaired or replaced. The would be illustrative but hardly sufficient when that which is taken away cannot be repaired or replaced.

But, what about when that which is more precious to you than your own life is taken? What then? 

Let’s back up and start at the beginning. No not the beginning of time but our beginning in time. I’ll say more about the beginning of mankind at a later date.  

In that verse my grandfather taught me that day there was a part of the verse he did not mention. The first part of Job 1:21, the part he omitted, states, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither.” This part of the verse is vital is essential to understanding not only this verse but the whole of the Book of Job. 

Job begins the story of his horrible time of consecutive and continuous loss be reminding the reader that we started out without anything and in the end, we will take nothing with us when we die. Implied in this is that not only did we come into the world with nothing but that everything we obtain we received by the grace of God and will be surrendered at death.

By the way, the idiom “Have the patience of Job” is a miss read of the Book of Job. I cannot relate to that Job. Truth is, Job was not a patient man and he was a man who did not mind confronting God and telling God how he really felt. Job said, “Blessed be the Name of the Lord” in spite of the fact he didn’t approve of anything God had done to his family and didn’t think God could show just cause for what He had done.” That Job is the Job with whom I can relate.

I did not and I do not like what God has done by taking my sweet Susan and a part of my own soul from me. However, I do know and confess that God is Sovereign . . . . He is Lord of all (owns everything) and therefore is can do whatever He chooses for whatever reasons He wants and still be righteous. He is Lord of all!

Susan and I believed with all our being that God had brought us together as a part of His plan in the Earth. He had chosen and prepared us for each other. As time passed, he created circumstances so that we would not only be husband and wife but we would achieve by His grace becoming One Flesh . . . a single independent living unit composed of a male and a female component . . . . we were no longer a two but one in every sense. As Susan and I journey through life somewhere along the way we got so mixed up together that I sense that she had not only got into my heart but also my soul. I had “found the one whom my soul loves” (Song of Solomon 3:4).  

She was a part of that “The Lord giveth . . .”  Know and experiencing her as a love gift from God has brought great joy to me heart and now that she is gone it brings great sorrow. Not sorrow that God has brought her into His presence but that she is no longer physically in my presence. 

So how do we respond to what the Sovereign God does when we don’t understand why or like what he is doing.  Let's look at that for a moment. I can tell you what I did and didn’t do.

1. First I didn’t do anything. I was just numb. The whole experience was not real and for days I walked around think that any minute Susan would walk through the door and this nightmare would be over. 

'2. Second, I do not recall ever accusing God of capriciousness or arbitrary in taking my Susan from me do I believe it was to punish me for my sin. But even if you do feel that way it is not wrong. I think God is big enough and loving enough to understand that the neurons in your brain have your emotions and thinking stirred-up like scrambled eggs. 

Let me be clear on this . . . . this does not mean that trouble and significant losses in our lives is a sign of God’s punishment for some kind of sin. Is it possible?  Yes.  Is it probable? No. Is it with purpose? Always

I know Him to be sovereign but I also know Him to be righteous.  However, I did want answers. 

• I wanted to know the reason why He decided this was the time for her to come home to Him? 
• I wanted to know what He was doing through her home-going and why. 
• I wanted to know why she had to suffer and fight as she did. 
• I want to know why He didn’t do it in a way that didn’t hurt so much. 
• I wanted to know, “What am I supposed to do now.”  

In short, I needed something to give meaning to what appeared to me to be a senseless series of events and as time passes, He step by step brings me to resolution if not full understanding. I never believed I was forsaken of God but there were moments when I did not fell His presence. However, though I did not feel His presence I knew He was there. How you ask did I know that. Because I know God is faithful and His word is true and He promised me that He would not leave me or forsake me . . . . He was there all the time. Like Job, even though I still did not fully understand or appreciate God’s authority or presence at the time I never doubted it.

Job knew something with which I needed to come to grips. Job knew that it is God who gives us everything, and He can take everything away at a time and place of His choosing. Nothing that happens does so outside of His control and at the very least His permissive will. Unfortunately, we are quick to recognize and bless His holy name when things are going well and not so quick when they do not.

I remember, a couple of weeks after Susan passed, I felt the urge to pray and thank God for the gift of her love; for allowing us to become so close that her passing caused me then and now such great pain; that He gave us the time and the guidance to become “one flesh;” and one day will once again place her hand in mine.

In Romans 11:29 Paul reminds us that “God’s gifts and his call can never be withdrawn.” That makes Susan’s transition from this temporal world to Paradise (the place where Jesus is) so much more bearable even if still painful. It reminds me that Susan has not left me. She has not left me in the sense that her investment in my life is still with me. More importantly she has not left me but merely in another place awaiting me. In short, she is not dead nor doth she sleep!

I sometime think of it this way: She is in Paradise walking hand-in-hand with Jesus; I am here on Earth walking hand-in-hand with Jesus; Since we are both walking hand-in-hand with the Lord we are still walking together. 

It enables me to say with Job, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him” (Job 13:15).  I will trust in Him!

The key for me is understanding and accepting that God’s ways are so much higher than our own and though we are created in His image and with the capacity to have fellowship with Him we can never fathom the mind of God or fully understand His eternal purposes. I am finally at the place where I can say, because of it I can say not because events require it but because my heart and mind desire it, “Lord, I still don’t understand it and I am still hurting but I accept you will.”  

I have come to understand that God lso gives when He takes away.

When we can once again say with both heart, mind and soul . . . . “Bless the LORD, O my soul: And all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; Who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; Who crowneth thee with loving-kindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; So that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's” (Psalm 103:1-5 KJV) . . . . we will be well on our way towards our new normal.