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| Sometimes It Feels Like I Am Drowning |
My prayer and my goal for today is simply Psalm 103 . . . all
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; . . . . Let all that hath breath bless His holy name.
Dear brothers & Sisters in Christ take it from someone who knows . . . . when people tell you that you're stronger than you think and you know you are barely making it through long days and lonely nights . . . . when you're down and your life is running on a tank that the fuel gage says is setting on empty . . . . when it takes what energy you have left to rejoice with them that rejoice because the joys of others only remind you of your own sense of emptiness and aloneness.
That’s when something just clicked in my mind. As I was reading that psalm the Spirit of God brought to my mind the Parable of the Lost Sons and how the principles Jesus lays down in that story might apply to those drowning in grief. I believe there is a message of hope wrapped in this parable for all those who have suffered loss.
In the gospel of Luke chapter 15, verses 11-32., Jesus tells the parable of the prodigal sons. In the original parable Jesus speaks of two sons. One, the older son, remains within the authority of his father (reminds us you don’t have to leave the father’s house to be wayward) while the younger son demands his share of the father’s estate . . . his inheritance which he in short order manages to recklessly squander in a life of indulgence. In the end he finds himself destitute, friendless and alone. It is when he is at the end of his rope and can’t take it anymore, he decides to return to the father’s house where he is warmly welcomed.
For my purposes it doesn’t matter how the younger son found himself in the slough of despondency. In his case it was his own self-centered life of indulgence that landed him the hog pen of his life. For other, they may find themselves in a pit because of events over which they have little or no control. Others may find themselves there because that’s where their ministry is. Still others, like myself, find themselves in the pit because of the loss of a spouse or child.
As an aside, I want to say a word or two to those well-meaning folks who keep saying God want you to know happiness. I think that might have been what Paul was thinking when in II Corinthians 12:6–7 he mentions repeatedly asking God to remove a certain “thorn in his flesh” and every time God answered he said “no.” God want you to be faithful and due your reasonable service and that should be happiness enough.
I know I have asked God every day for the past 6 months to lift this cloud from my heart and mind that came over me after my precious wife, who I can’t remember not being in my life, went to be with the Lord. I don’t know what Paul’s thorn was but I do know what mine is. I suspect you actually know what yours is.
I mention the “thorn in the flesh” because I am not talking about some “besetting” sin. I’m talking about a life experience that colors all your life and alters the filters through which you view your life. We may reach the place where we understand that this is God’s will for our life as He works through us to accomplish His purposes.
Keep in mind that while our burden seems unbearable God, who knows us better than we know ourselves, has not promised us happiness. What He has promised is that He will not load us down with a burden we cannot carry and that if it reaches that point, he will open a way of escape. For some it is the joy of the Lord, not their joy but that of the Lord, that becomes their strength and allows them to live and faithfully serve with their own personal “thorn in the flesh.”
I don’t know that the younger prodigal leaving to be on his own was his sin but it certainly resulted from a sinful heart that produced a foolish lifestyle that led to his impoverishment and as the father would say of him upon his return . . . . “Was dead” and was “lost” (ὅτι ο τος ὁ υἱός μου νεκρὸς ν καὶ ἀνέζησεν, ν ἀπολωλὼς καὶ εὑρέθη). I think this sentence could be applied in a variety of ways. In the parable the son is clear as to what he means. He says, “I have sinned” and that he feels his unworthiness to be any longer called “son” (οὐκέτι εἰμὶ ἄξιος κληθ ναι υἱός σου).
Truth is, it doesn't really matter much how we got to where we are in life the answer is the same . . . . a return to the Father’s house. The words “sinned” and “unworthy” came out of the younger son’s mouth because he took the father’s blessing and wasted it in riotous living. But the answer to his problem was a return to the father’s house.
Did you notice that the Father even while saying his son was “dead” and “lost” still called him son. Nothing has changed to negate I John 3:2 where we read these glorious words, “Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.”
There are two themes that I believe are important to the story of the prodigal sons. First, is the idea of helpless lostness that hides the real answer to getting out of the pit of despair. Second is the need to return to the Father’s house.
For those of us who are grieving over our loss that very process often blinds us to the answers to our needs. The God bestowed “one flesh” gift that God gives to some few of his children can cause give birth to a depth of grief when one spouse is set free to actually return to the Father’s house. I know, I live there.
To be sure it is not where I want to be neither is it where I should be as a child of God. Everything that I know and everything that I believe points to this separation as an interlude in the symphony God in Christ is composing in the oneness Susan and I became. But, and oh what a but it is, when a man and a woman become one flesh, they are no longer two but one and I dare say to brother Paul, you haven’t had a thorn until you get this one. It didn’t arise from sin; it wasn’t the result of carelessness. It is there so that God's strength can be made known through our weakness.
By the way, about the only thing in which a man and a woman can’t actually become is "one flesh physically." The body is designed for this world and when God calls his children home they have to drop that old body. Interestingly enough in becoming one flesh it is a soul and spirit thing and not of the flesh. I used to tell Susan, I didn’t fall in love with your body though it makes a mighty fine package but I looked into your eyes and saw your soul and that’s what won my heart. Susan was the woman in whom my soul delighted and for 54-1/2 years of marriage and more than 60 years in some level of relationship that’s what we, unbeknown to ourselves most of the time, were doing - - - becoming one flesh. And here is the glorying part . . . . we actually became one.
It is this becoming one spiritually that I am coming to believe that set the timing for Susan’s going to be with the Lord. I suspect that aspect of God’s will for our life had achieved all that He intended as long as we are together in the flesh. This doesn’t mean the becoming one has ended but it does mean that until whatever his purpose is for my remaining behind are there is still work to be done. Ah, but I digress.
We, like the prodigal, seem to have this need to keep digging until we finally realize where our deliverance is not in knowing the answer to our need but to stop digging. But just because we have stopped digging does not mean we are out of the hole in which we are stuck.
I know I changed the metaphor from feeding swine to digging a whole. Feeding the swine is also a useful metaphor here because we often keep feeding our sadness and sorrow. Don’t be guilty of feeding your own pain. In the story Jesus told the young man had to stop what he was doing, turn toward home and start walking.
Don't forget there is a spiritual dimension to overcoming the debilitating effects of deep grief. It is not one of those things that you can do by the might or power of the flesh. Neither is it something your mind can conquer. It is only by the Spirit of God that this depth of sorrow. God is present the Lord is at work and the Spirit is moving in you during these days but all you feel is your sense of loss. Pray that soon you like the two disciples on the road to Emmaus suddenly realize, “Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road . . . ." Like Saul of Tarsus Jesus will meet you somewhere along the journey and point you to where your eyes will be opened and you shall see all this as God sees it . . . like you spouse in eternity now sees it. Oh, if only we could see as God doth see . . . . one day we will
The truth is the deeper and longer the love has been shared between a man and a woman the deeper and longer the pain of separation. When we find ourselves struggling, we need follow the example of the younger son in the parable of the lost sons and realize that it is time to return to the Father's house. In the vernacular, it is time to go to Daddy's house . . . .to go home . . . to return to the God of our fathers. Somehow, we need to find our way back home.
Don't forget, the prodigal didn't just decide to go to the father's house and somehow, he magically arrived at the house. There were plenty of steps to be taken on the way home. Each one of those steps filled with fear and inward pain. It wasn't until a point in time known only to his father that felt his father's hand on his shoulder and knew from the touch that all is now well.
BTW - don't fall into the trap of the older brother and resent the return to normalcy of your friends while you are still struggling. Misery may love company but it shouldn't . . . . instead rejoice with what energy you have that they have been so blessed.
The good news is that when we get in sight of home the Father doesn't wait for us to get to Him He comes out to meet us as we are coming . . . . where we are not where we are going to be.
It is when we find ourselves at this place that we need to find a way to cast our care on the Lord and let the joy of the Lord be our strength. Reach up as best you can and take hold of God's hand . . . . He's reaching down to take it. Get up and lean on God. To those who are feeling lost right now like me, we'll get through it. One step at a time.
I have stopped praying for deliverance and started praying . . .
“Open my eyes that I may see
glimpses of truth thou hast for me.
Place in my hands the wonderful key
that shall unclasp and set me free.
Silently now I wait for thee,
ready, my God, thy will to see.
Open my eyes, illumine me,
Spirit divine!
Open my ears that I may hear
voices of truth thou sendest clear,
and while the wave notes fall on my ear,
ev’rything false will disappear.
Silently now I wait for thee,
ready, my God, thy will to see.
Open my ears, illumine me,
Spirit divine!
Open my mouth and let me bear
gladly the warm truth ev’rywhere.
Open my heart and let me prepare
love with thy children thus to share.
Silently now I wait for thee,
ready, my God, thy will to see.
Open my mouth, illumine me,
Spirit divine!
I suppose if you want a succinct statement, I'll just have to quote my dear friend Vicky Murphey's last two spoken words, "Trust God." Yep, that's it . . . . trust God.
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." I think it is time we sore up on the wings of eagles; and, I know I am ready to run and not become weary; and, at my age I'll be happy just to walk and talk with Jesus along the rest of my life's way." Even so, come Lord Jesus.
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