Don’t Disparage of the Pain

When we love deeply and we love over many, many years and the person we have so loved is taken from us it causes us great inward pain. I suppose it is a shadow of the pain that Jesus experienced as he was separated from the Father when He "became sin" for us and died the sin death thus giving us both the hope and the means of redemption. 

Don’t disparage of the pain you feel when the love of your life dies. Believe me I do not make that statement lightly. It has been more than 25 months since the woman I love went to be with the Lord and not a day has gone by that I have not thought of her and hurt in my soul. 

For almost a year I tried to hide the depth of pain, but I found I could not and decided that I should not.  I suppose most of the people in my world and many outsides of my world know of my struggle. It has been the deepest and most sustained pain I have ever felt. The pain was so intense that it defied words. Her leaving was as if someone had ripped out a part of my own soul. It was as we used to say - "To the bone." 

When our beloved departs through death to a far country, and we are left behind with just the memories and the pain of that separation we wonder who can lift us from this pit. We may even question whether God cares or not. The hurt is so deep we find ourselves crying out with the Apostle Paul, “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” 

Given all this still I say, do not disparage of that pain. It is the evidence that one has loved and been loved deeply. If you want to avoid the suffering that comes from such separation, then the price is never experiencing the joys of loving deeply and the marvel of two becoming one. It is also evidence that you had obtained the oneness that God intended. 

The pain is the price of the love and though the price, as in my case, is great it is but a small thing compared to the love that we enjoyed. I have come to understand the meaning of Paul's affirmation in Romans 8:18 where he writes, "the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us." No matter how great the love we shared here and no matter how great the pain we are presently experiencing the love and glory we experience when we join our loved one in Heaven will outshine it all. It will truly be worth it all when we see Jesus and are reunited with our beloved.   

No matter how great the pain it is but for a season. But love is made of stronger stuff. For the Christian, love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, and is hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving deeply is always worth taking. It is a true saying that says, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” 

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is I Corinthians 13:8-13. Paul makes it clear that everything will pass away. That is, everything will cease except Faith, Hope and Love. And, of what remains (Faith, Hope and Love) love is the greatest. But that only stands to reason since as First John 4:8 tells us, “God is love.” 

So, while the absence of the one we love is painful the promise of God’s love makes the pain bearable and “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” (Romans 8:18). So, while I still carry a great deal of sorrow in me it is not debilitating because I carry a greater expectation that when I step out of time into eternity of being greeted by not only my Lord but also the many loved ones I’ve known here below and that includes my dear Susan with whom I became one.  

The bond of love will not be broken. Just as we cannot be separated from the love of God in Christ Jesus . . . . so the love we shared is not broken. It may have to be stretched across many years but one day, someday, face to face it will be refreshed. I personally believe that there is a better than even chance that when I get to heaven not only will a see Jesus, but I'll be greeted by those who I loved and loved me. I easily imagine Jesus telling Susan to show me around the place and the joy I experience as she takes my hand and says, "come walk with me, there is so much I want you to see. You see that's what love does.

Yep, that will be a happy day indeed. Sometimes in my mind I try and imagine what that reunion will be like. What a day that will when we enter heaven and experience for the first time ever life without sorrow, sadness or pain and see our beloved once more. There is so much more to be said here but no volume of words would add to the glory of that reunion.

There will be a happy meeting in Heaven, I know.
When we see the many loved ones, we've known here below.
Gathered on that blessed hilltop with hearts all aglow
That will be a glad reunion day.

A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay
That will be a glad reunion day.

When we live a million years in that wonderful place
Basking in the love of Jesus, beholding His face

It will seem but just a moment of praising His grace.
That will be a glad reunion day.

A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay.
That will be a glad reunion day.

I'm Only a Phone Call Away

I frequently see this statement, or some that are similar, "When I die don't get on Facebook talking about you wish Heaven had a phone. I have two lines now and you don't call" and I agree with it. 

I know that I have searched every old phone, video and other source that I can get my hands on to capture the sound of my dear Susan's voice. Just to hear it brings joy to my heart. I'd rather her be here with me so I didn't have to rely on recordings. I'm sure my children have plenty of messages that start out, "It's just me call me when you get time." Sadly, time eventually runs out. 

For those of us who grew up in the 1950's and came of age in the 1960's this circumstance is particularly painful. We grew up in an era when the telephone was still a relatively new experience. People would talk on the phone for hours at a time even though they may have just spent half the day visiting in person.  Many of us who grew up with phones thought we'd experience pretty much the same in our old age. But alas it is not to be.

Truth is, for most older folks their phones would hardly ever ring if it weren’t for Robo-calls, Car Warranty companies, Medicare Plans, or collection companies looking for someone who shares your name. None of these are welcome.

While discussing this in a small group after church on Sunday a younger person in our group suggested that perhaps we should take the initiative and initiate the call. I thought about that for a minute and then remember how many times I heard my late wife’s voice in response to my asking, “Have you heard from the kids?” say, “I just tried calling _______ but they said they’d have to call me back.” You run into that often enough and soon you just face the fact that the people you most want to hear their voices are too busy. 

Now don’t misunderstand me. They really are busy. They, for the most part still have jobs, still have children living a home, still have circles of friends that do not include us older folks and should not. Unfortunately, we recognize that while they are legitimately busy, we are living on the short end of a life lived. We also walk in the knowledge that while we might live many more year, we might live those years without our memory and the recognition of family or friends. Hence while for them time pass slowly for us there is an urgency. 

On a related matter cards and letters are still important. I have a dresser, not dresser drawer but a dresser
that is filled with cards and notes that we received over the years and Susan kept. I’d catch her from time to time sitting on the edge of the bed looking at a handful of those cards and letters just remembering the people who sent them. There was a time when she used them as a part of her prayer list. Cards and letters matter. Cards with a short not are easy. Letters are a little more problematic because they require time, thought and some measure of penmanship. Yep, more demanding but moe powerful. Let me suggest whether you use snail mail (best) or e-mail (ok) write complete sentences and spell out the words and try to communicate feeling not just thoughts and events. Now back to the subject at hand . . . .

The other thing that is often suggested is that we find some kind of “old people” group to join and participate with regularly. I hate to say it but most of those groups are training and/or conditioning classes for nursing home residency. However, the big problem is, they are not the people with whom you wish to be or from whom you wish to hear. We feel like the ancient Hebrew in captivity who said, “By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion. We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.” In short we were alive but we were no longer living. 

I don’t believe for a minute that we don’t get those calls and visits from friends because people don’t care. I have learned over the past three or so years that people really do care. God’s people and real friends do care. When my wife Susan left for her heavenly home the people who stayed with me the longest and some to this day going on three years down the road are friends from my growing up years. However, since many of them are women and married much telephone and certainly in person visits can be awkward. I have come to love a group of people (a bunch of individuals both men and women) that in my “growing up” years I barely knew anything about them besides their names. 

I also do not for a minute believe that kinfolk (children, grandchildren etc.) don’t make those calls and visits because they do not care. There is no question in my mind that for most of us our families do care. They fail to call or visit because they are wrapped up in the business of their own lives and families. And the truth is they are not wrong in that. After all, Scripture does say that when they marry there are to “leave their father and their mother.” 

In their minds they know they are young and there is time enough for calling. Sadly, there is not that same amount of time for answering that call. It is that dichotomy that I believe lay behind the quote with which I started this little bit of dribble . . . . "When I die don't get on Facebook talking about you wish Heaven had a phone. I have two lines now and you don't call." 

Truth is we really do want to hear from you. We want to know what’s going on in your lives; we want to know about our grandchildren and great grandchildren. But what we really want is to hear your voice. We know from he sound of your voice how things are really going regardless of te words that are spoken. We want to hear your voices for ourselves. Again, at the risk of being to personal, I recall many occasions after Susan spoke with someone saying. “They said they are fine but something in their voice tells me something isn’t quite right somehow.”

I’m not a Stevie Wonder fan but I like what he said when he sang, “I just called to say I love you, I just called to say how much I care, I just called to say I love you. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.”  If you are my age, you mom and dad probably are no longer with you and so we might legitimately say, "When I die don't get on Facebook talking about you wish Heaven had a phone. I have two lines now and you don't call." 

If they are living, I suggest you set you priorities as: God first, followed by your immediate family (spouse and children), then extended family followed by friends. I might add that from time to time include them in some family activity besides holidays. I remember one of te most rewarding days of my life with my mother was the day I took her to Galveston’s West Beach and pushed her in her wheelchair over the sand burn to the empty beach and saw her face as she breathed in the ocean air. I have carried that day with me for some 30 years now. 

This is for all the lonely people thinking that life has passed them by don't give up until you drink from the silver cup and ride that highway in the sky.

This is for all the single people thinking that love has left them dry don't give up until you drink from the silver cup you never know until you try.

Well, I'm on my way yes, I'm back to stay well, I'm on my way back home.

This is for all the lonely people thinking that life has passed them by don't give up until you drink from the silver cup, she'll never take you down or never give you up you'll never know until you try.

Feel free to share your thoughts and/or experiences in the comments section below. 

Facing Our Personal Rubicon

I often write on social media and other places about my life experiences. Frequently that writing focuses on lessons learned from the life experience Susan and I shared over 55 years of marriage and sixty years of knowing one another. As Scripture says, “We speak of what we know, and bear witness to what we have seen.”

We all have our Rubicon's. All of life’s experiences are important and significant to our journey in life but some are pivotal.  The first major crossing of the Rubicon in our life took place on December 23, 1966, when before God and His people Susan and I committed ourselves to each other to love, honor cherish and care for one another. We committed ourselves to face the world for the rest of our life as husband and wife. That decision changed our lives forever.  Today I want to tell you about another "crossing the Rubicon for us. 

I think that one of the best things Susan and I ever did was move to Ft. Worth in Fall of 1969. We didn’t know a soul there, I didn’t have a job, we had a 3-month-old baby and when we got there, we learned we didn't have a place to live. 

My mom thought we were making a mistake. My Dad said to her, maybe so but they have got to learn. I don’t think a single person understood why we were stepping out where there seemed to be nowhere to step. 

But there we were, pulling out of the parking lot at the Southmore Apartments . . . our home since 1966.  Our car and U-Haul truck loaded with all our worldly goods. Family and friends were there to see us off. I have often wondered about the conversations as they watched us drive out of sight. 

This was our “crossing Jordan” moment. You will recall that the waters of Jordan did not part until the sole of the priest foot touch the brim of the waters of Jordan. Everything hinged on the priest’s faith in God’s promise. Ironically, perhaps because we were young and had an unbelievable faith that what we were doing was the Lord’s will for us that we had no anxiety. 

I remember someone whispering in the crowd, “I don’t think they know the seriousness of what they are doing.” Well, we probably didn’t understand everything at the time. We just believed it was God’s will for us and while we didn’t know how it was going to work out, we believed God already had it worked out. Many are called but few are chosen but when you are one of the chosen, I can tell you God has your back. 

Why was that decision so pivotal? Well, first we had to do it together and had nowhere or anyone to run to if it didn’t work out like we believed it would. Second it strengthened our faith in God as week by week He met our needs in ways that literally astounded us. We really had no choice but to trust Him for our needs. We never asked for help but help always came when we needed it and it started our first day in Ft. Worth. Third, it was there that our mantra “Stronger Together” was born as we learned how to support and help each other. 

We were simple minded enough to just believe that “we were more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.” We thought, “if we committed to doing God’s will in our marriage then God would bless our union. If we were committed to His calling on our lives, He would enable us in that effort. Love may find a way, but God provides a way. We frequently reminded ourselves of this by looking at each other and one of us would either repeat our mantra or say, “Honey, me, you and the Lord have this.”

If you're going to learn how to fly you’ve got to get out of the nest. The momma bird knows that and when it’s time to fly she bumps her babies out of the nest. Life is filled with risk, uncertainty and danger but if you're going to fly you have to take the leap. We learned to “Delight ourselves in the Lord” and as He promised He “directed our path.”  You can be everything God created you to be if you just trust him to take what you are and mold you into what He knows you can be. 

All I can say is, and I say it from personal experience with Him, “Our God is an awesome God; He reigns from heaven above, with wisdom, power, and love; Our God is an awesome God!”  Bill & Gloria Bill Gaither along with Greg Nelson wrote the words but they are the testimony of Susan and me. We are so blessed by the gifts from your hand. We just can't understand why you've loved us so much. We are so blessed, and we just can't find a way or the words that can say, "Thank you Lord for your touch."

With Robert Frost I say . . . . 

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

God Often Supplies Our Need from Places and in Ways We Would Never Consider

Since the power was out and church services were canceled, I have been thinking about how God has worked in my life since my dear wife Susan died two years ago. Her absence has brought great pain to my life. So, I am posting this as a word of testimony and praise. 

Percy Sledge recorded his R&B hit, When A Man Loves A Woman in 1966 the same year Susan and I married. In 2017 Sissel recorded a version that captures my feelings. I urge you to give it a listen. Better yet do it with the one you love.

When a Man Loves A Woman isn’t just about the intoxicating, all-consuming power of love though it is certainly that. Love is the most basic need of all. The desire to want and feel wanted . . . loved is a universal need put in the soul of man by God. Only God’s love and love for God can fill that need perfectly. But a man and a woman created in the image and after the nature of God has a built-in desire to be loved and to be loved deeply. This song expresses something of that.

But When a Man Loves a Woman also warns us to know what we’re getting ourselves into when we love . . . especially when we love with the love of God. The song positively beams with emotion and celebrates just how far gone we can get in our beloved. It also acknowledges the high stakes of the situation. There is nothing to compare in this world with the feeling of deeply held, intensely felt and longtime love. Granted, separation of any kind and especially death may be the end of many things in this world . . . but it certainly is not the end . . . but, at the time, it sure feels like it. So, when the earthly love of our life is no longer present the inward pain is almost unbearable.

Shifting gears just a little. I am a fortunate, no, I am a blessed man to have had a wife who possessed an uncanny ability to put people at ease. I cite one example of what I mean. Several years ago, I was a member of a panel discussing and answering questions about the advantages of having preferred suppliers and how to obtain cooperative funding & support from them. Prior to going to that panel Susan and I had been visiting with the CEO of a major travel industry “Back of the Office” company. 

As the three of us sat in the lobby of the hotel a runner came to get me for my panel. Susan started to go with me when our friend said, “Susan, why don’t you stay here while he does his thing. You’ve heard all that stuff before.” He was right and she took advantage of the opportunity to skip a meeting. Long story short, I finished my presentation and Q&A session and rejoined them where I left them in the hotel lobby. 

I said all that to provide a context for what my friend said as we left to get some lunch. I paraphrase now but what he essentially said to me was, “You have quiet the treasure in your wife.” I wisely and readily agreed as Susan was there and would hear how I would respond. He then continued, “What I mean is she listens so well, I found myself telling her things that I would never say to anyone else. I’m glad you let her stay and visit.” I responded, “I know, she does that to me too.” 

Now, fast forward to the present. I, like my friend, do not share very many personal thoughts and feelings with other people easily and certainly not on a regular basis. In fact, Susan has been my only human real confidant since before we married . . . but now she is gone. Not to sound too mystical, I still consult with her, but she rarely answers . . . . although sometimes somehow talking with her it seems like she does. 

I simply must interject here; Our God is an awesome God . . . and He knows and supplies our every need. I stand amazed at how He does it. As I said earlier, So, when the earthly love of our life is no longer present the inward pain is almost unbearable. Nothing seems to help. Then God . . . does something surprising . . . at least in my loss experience He did.

In my case, the Lord reached back into my past and pulled into my present someone with whom prior to then I doubt that I had spoken a dozen or so words over my entire life. A person who, like my friend, said of Susan, “I found myself telling her things I would never say to another living person.”  This in my mind borders on the miraculous! Do you realize the pieces God had to move to make that happen? Some of you might have been among the pieces He moved. God works and He is working all over the place.

I suppose the lesson in this is that sometimes God supplies our need from places we would never look. Israel received water from a rock and in my case, he brought an obscure part of my past into my present and is meeting my need. I see my experience as no less a miracle than Israel being refreshed with water from a rock. I speak here of spiritual things. There is a way that seems right to our way of thinking, but God knows the way through the wilderness we travel far better than do we.

Is Finding a Wife Really a Good Thing?

 I am a big proponent and have been for many years of reading a chapter from Proverbs each day. I recently added to that practice choosing one verse (proverb) on which to focus my thinking. A few days ago, that focus verse was Proverbs 18:22. 

My first thought about that verse was, “Wow! All these years I’ve been reading this proverb wrong. He didn’t say finding a “good” wife. Instead, he said “finding a wife is a good thing.” I’m pretty sure had you asked me to quote this verse yesterday I would have said, “He that finds a good wife has found a good thing.”  I would add that from a woman’s point of view that verse would have been written, “Finding a husband.”  So, anything I say today will follow the general idea that what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. 

What I am hearing is, that it is a good thing to face life as a committed couple. God created Eve as the completion of Adam by bringing to the relationship what he needed . . . . what is lacking in him. Solomon affirms that a marriage relationship between a man and a woman is a good thing . . . even if it is not always a constantly euphoric thing. Marriage in too many instances evolves into a static thing when God intended it to be a dynamic and growing relationship. For the Christian that growing relationship is known as the process of becoming one flesh . . . . i.e., growing and maturing into oneness. Unfortunately, most of us are not developed enough in character and maturity to avoid the friction created by the oneness process. 

I have often wondered if God doesn’t bring couples together based not so much on their love for each other but because each hold within themselves what the other needs for a balanced life. It is here that we must ask the question: “If I am not getting what I need could it be that I am not giving what my spouse needs? Just a thought.

I doubt anyone would argue with the statement: “We all bring our bags of "stuff," both good and bad, to our relationships. The bags of trash are easy to spot because they stink so bad. In fact, they stink so bad that others see them before we or our spouse do. They were there all the time, but I guess love really is blind or maybe just stupid. Whatever kept us from seeing them and their seriousness before we married sure left after we married. Maybe we just ignored what we saw or what others pointed out. Somehow, we see the bags of treasure but too often we are blind to the importance of the trash bags. 

The challenge is to find the bags of treasure. We need to keep reminding ourselves why we married this person in the first place. The bags of treasure also have their own aroma but sadly once we marry their sweet aroma is often overwhelmed by the stinky stuff. Sometimes the onion has to be peeled to get to the good stuff. I was so very blessed that my life companion had so very little trash and so much treasure. So what's the answer? Finding a good wife is not only a good thing, it the best thing. 

A Personal Word: I have been asked so many times what was it that made Susan the lovely person she was. Susan was a role model par excellence. Anyone who used her as a model for living life would be a better person for it. She certainly faced all the challenges of life that is common to our humanity and specific to her own life experience not to mention mine. She had her share of heartache and pain, sorrow and happiness. As you know, I spent 60+ years knowing and seeing her in just about any and every life experience you can imagine, and I would say of her today what Jesus said of Nathanael, "behold a woman in whom there is no guile." She was the best of the best. Her greatest gift from God was that she loved with the love of the Lord and that love broke any and all barriers down. 

Me, well I had so much stinky trash that I am still a work in progress . . . but thank God, He is not finished with me yet and He is not through with you either. 

Another Part of Our Journey into Oneness

I have been asked many times how Susan and I developed a deep level of love and commitment in our marriage. The answer to that is too complex to answer here. There are many factors that go into developing a relationship like the one Susan and I shared. Many of those factors are unconscious while others evolve over time and still others were conscious decisions. Today, I’ll mention two of the important ones. 

The first and foremost is that we both decided early on that God and our relationship to and fellowship with Him individually and as a couple was vital. We knew that relationship had to be nurtured and developed if we were going to have what we both wanted . . . a relationship with each other that mirrored our relationship with God. I do not believe you can have what we had apart from a powerful sense of the presence of God in your life. 

The second was to prefer the other over our self. Understand, our life together was a journey into oneness and there are plenty of other factors that play into that journey. They are the spokes of the wheel that is our life. 

I am going to try to shed a little light on the logistics of making that a reality. What I share below is just one spoke in what was the wheel of our relationship. 

From the time I graduated from seminary and became a full-time senior pastor I have had to travel and over time that travel burden only increased. Now understand, I didn’t mind the travel, but I began somewhere early on in our journey into oneness that it put an added burden on her.     

Many years ago now, I made a decision that if I was going to be away on either professional or personal business Susan would have the choice to go with me if she wanted to do so. I was so committed to this that I would drive from Kilgore, Texas to Pasadena, Texas to take our daughter to “Gramma’s” house so Susan could attend a two-day meeting in Dallas, Texas. Those of you who have for any length of time lived in Texas know how crazy that seems. 

Most of the time Susan chose to go and we turned every single trip, of which there were many, into personal couple growth opportunities. People who know me are aware of the many, many trips we have taken over the years both in Ministry and the travel industry.

Understand that while my business-related travel was paid for, I still had to pay her cost. Over time people that I worked with at these events came to expect her to be there. A few even involved her in what we were discussing and/or planning . . . one executive once referred to her as the most valuable non-paid advisor he had. But I am beginning to digress.

My point is, we used our responsibilities as opportunities to spend more time together than we would have otherwise. There is a little-known axiom that says, “In order to have quality time together you must have quantity of time.” It was with this principle in mind that we always looked for ways to exploit my required travel for our personal gain. 

We also frequently planned extended stays in the area where I had to be. Sometimes, we used that city as a jumping off place for a cruise or a tour or just a couple of extra nights in the hotel. At conventions, conferences and trade show hotels were always good to give us the “convention rate” for a few days post conference. My point is, we found a way to get quantity of time. This in turn gave us the opportunity to create quality time with each other that gave us “time and place” where we did all the little things that mean so much in a relationship. 

Somewhere along the way we became a team, no more than a team, we became one.