Over more than 40 years of ministry I guess I have had the joy of having officiated hundreds if not thousands of weddings. I have also listened to, wept with and hurt for couples (some who I myself pronounced husband and wife) as those marriages came apart for reasons that often would make me shake my head. To be sure some of these couples were doomed from the start and most of us who counsel couples getting married kind of know which ones will survive and which ones will not.
Consequently, over the years I have done a lot of thinking and talking about divorce. Divorces like marriage affect the larger family system. Parents, cousins, siblings, and friends are all affected. Often pressured to take one side or the other. Divorce is never just about one broken relationship. It is one broken relationship and a whole family system of adjustments. It is not like changing the sheets. It is like creating a whole new world.
I have spent a lifetime researching and dealing with people who have suffer through divorce. In fact, my major writing project for my Doctor’s degree was entitled, Marriage and Divorce: A Biblical Perspective. It was an eye opening, mind stretching and life changing experience. It changed the way I understood God’s view of marriage and how we are to relate to it. The principle that I came away with and by which I have tried to evaluate life actions is the mantra, “God does not regulate what He prohibits and He does not prohibit that which He regulates." It behooves us therefore since God allows for divorce to know how He regulates that process.
I remember when I went to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary as a young student that when a divorced man, regardless of why he was divorced, could not enroll in any of our Southern Baptist Seminaries. It just seemed clear that the fact that he was divorced was proof that he had not ruled over his own household very well and that was one of the qualifications for an επίσκοπος (Bishop). There was a day when a Baptist church would not even consider a man who was divorced to be on staff let alone the senior pastor.
I have met men who in order to continue serving as a pastor have lied and cheated to keep secret the fact that they had been divorced. In some cases they were actually divorced as a result of their own infidelity. Churches often do not consider a man’s fidelity or past marriage history. Today, I know of several instances where the senior pastor has been divorced twice and married three times.
Truth is, I don’t know a single family in America that has not been touched in some way by divorce. I am of the opinion that most divorces are the result of failing to deal with issues before they accumulate into an unmanageable mess.
Looking back on my own marriage history of some 50 plus years I can tell you that there are plenty of issues that put great stress on marriages. At the time some of these seemed overwhelming but now looked at from the perspective of a long life and shared relationship they seem so insignificant and often are the occasion for a few chuckles.
I do not believe most of the divorces I've witnessed were inevitable. Most of these marriages could have been redeemed and the relationships could have become meaningful and fulfilling if the right actions and attitudes prevailed. Ah, but ours is the day of the age of the half-read page. the quick hash, the mad dash, the bright night with the nerves tight and the plane hop with the brief stop. It is all about the moment. We have drawn lines in the sand when we should have been seeking a pathway to advance.
Marriages have always had to bear the stress and strains of conflicting personalities, opposite expectations, unforeseen frailties, and unexpected turns in life. Couples soon discover that “pillow talk” is not enough to build a lasting relationship. They best have a healthy dose of “table talk” to go along with that “pillow talk.” These conflicts all have answers and the one most commonly overlooked is communication. It takes a lot of talking, caring, sharing and loving to make a marriage work.
However, if the marriage is irreparably broken one of the answers is divorce. It is rarely the best answer but it is one answer. So, if you’ve decided that you don’t want to work it out or the relationship is not salvageable divorce may well be the answer for you.
Experts tell us that in Texas alone 75,000 couples will divorce this year. I want to offer a few thoughts for your consideration as you move forward to dissolve your marriage.
Don’t rush headlong into your divorce. You put a lot of thought and planning into the wedding that created your marriage. In a similar way you should put as much thought and planning into ending your marriage. Take some time and think about what you hope to achieve through a divorce. Make a plan for after the divorce because there will be one. Try and anticipate where the real problems will be after the divorce.
If your divorce can be achieved in the same way your marriage was conceived then it can be a rewarding and have long term positive effects on all involved. I personally know several couples who were mature enough to sit down at their kitchen table and work out the terms of their own divorce. They then took the results of that “table talk” to a local family practice attorney and said, “write it up.”
But if that doesn’t work (These ideas are the same ones an amicable divorce needs they are just addressed openly and forthrightly with the end of both people and any children all getting through the experience in the best possible way) then here are the things you need to seriously weigh.
The most obvious thing thing that is going to change and one that will make a major impact on your lifestyle is your finances. You are going to discover that maintaining separate households is more expensive and your income is going to shrink in the best of scenarios.
• So start well before filing for a divorce to establish yourself as an independent financial entity. Start saving money in an account in your name only (these must be disclosed but you’ll need them during the divorce process.)
• Began to establish a credit record separate from your marriage.
• Make a list of the jointly owned possessions that you would like to keep and the ones you don’t mind giving up to your spouse.
• Keep in mind that in the State of Texas where I live the division of property is not based on what is fair. In a divorce proceeding it is not 50/50. The standard in Texas is a bit more ambiguous and subjective than that and has nothing to do with an equal distribution of assets. Here in Texas we are a community property state and if you cannot agree in advance on a property division the State will do it for you.
This division will be based on what Texas law calls “a just and right division.” This standard takes into account such things as fault for the breakup; each spouses general health and educational attainment; debts; earning capacity both present and future; parenting ability; and even more importantly any existing or future separate property.1
• If there are children under the age of 21 and in some cases older Child support will be paid. This is a statutory obligation.
• Finally, regardless of whether yours is an amicable or hostile divorce get a good attorney. Make sure they specialize in family law. You should also use a local attorney who knows the courts and the judges as well as the other attorneys practicing family law. My experience is that divorce these days is either negotiated or arbitrated. Negotiated is better.2
• Keep in mind that if you have children you will be ties to you spouse for as long as he/she pays child support and have custody/visitation.
Whatever direction your divorce takes keep in mind there really is life after Divorce.
Now, having given that advice I want to say that I rarely recommend divorce as an answer to what constitute most marital issues. It is a last resort in most cases. To be sure there are situations where I would recommend divorce but they involve the really big issues of physical and psychological abuse and the like. For financial issues I recommend a good financial advisor and relationship counselor. In some instances a “Life Coach” to help with the “how” of making needed financial changes. In the same way most other issues can be resolved. Seek advice from people who have had successful marriages not those who have failed. Above all keep the lines of communication open.
Keep in mind that God hates divorce; has an ideal for marriage; and provides grace to make marriage work. But do not forget that God does not prohibit what He regulates and He regulates Divorce. It behooves us to understand His regulations and act within them.
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1 Two important points. First, the judge has little discretion in setting the amount—it is based on income and number of children per the Texas Family Code. Second, don’t hold your child support hostage. Pay it—even if your ex-spouse withholds visitation. If you don’t, you could go to jail. Likewise, the spouse receiving child support may not withhold visitation even if the paying spouse is not current on child support payments. Also, just because you didn’t pay your child support and the child is now past the age for which child support is paid does not mean you are home free. Nope, you will still have to pay it and do so with interest and penalties. Never delay or miss a child support payment if you can avoid it.
2 Are they Board certified? At least in theory they have mastered the complexities of the Texas Family Code; They should be seasoned trial skills and a strong work ethic are critical who prepare their cases as though they will go to trial because that generally results in a negotiated settlement.
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