Facing Our Personal Rubicon

I often write on social media and other places about my life experiences. Frequently that writing focuses on lessons learned from the life experience Susan and I shared over 55 years of marriage and sixty years of knowing one another. As Scripture says, “We speak of what we know, and bear witness to what we have seen.”

We all have our Rubicon's. All of life’s experiences are important and significant to our journey in life but some are pivotal.  The first major crossing of the Rubicon in our life took place on December 23, 1966, when before God and His people Susan and I committed ourselves to each other to love, honor cherish and care for one another. We committed ourselves to face the world for the rest of our life as husband and wife. That decision changed our lives forever.  Today I want to tell you about another "crossing the Rubicon for us. 

I think that one of the best things Susan and I ever did was move to Ft. Worth in Fall of 1969. We didn’t know a soul there, I didn’t have a job, we had a 3-month-old baby and when we got there, we learned we didn't have a place to live. 

My mom thought we were making a mistake. My Dad said to her, maybe so but they have got to learn. I don’t think a single person understood why we were stepping out where there seemed to be nowhere to step. 

But there we were, pulling out of the parking lot at the Southmore Apartments . . . our home since 1966.  Our car and U-Haul truck loaded with all our worldly goods. Family and friends were there to see us off. I have often wondered about the conversations as they watched us drive out of sight. 

This was our “crossing Jordan” moment. You will recall that the waters of Jordan did not part until the sole of the priest foot touch the brim of the waters of Jordan. Everything hinged on the priest’s faith in God’s promise. Ironically, perhaps because we were young and had an unbelievable faith that what we were doing was the Lord’s will for us that we had no anxiety. 

I remember someone whispering in the crowd, “I don’t think they know the seriousness of what they are doing.” Well, we probably didn’t understand everything at the time. We just believed it was God’s will for us and while we didn’t know how it was going to work out, we believed God already had it worked out. Many are called but few are chosen but when you are one of the chosen, I can tell you God has your back. 

Why was that decision so pivotal? Well, first we had to do it together and had nowhere or anyone to run to if it didn’t work out like we believed it would. Second it strengthened our faith in God as week by week He met our needs in ways that literally astounded us. We really had no choice but to trust Him for our needs. We never asked for help but help always came when we needed it and it started our first day in Ft. Worth. Third, it was there that our mantra “Stronger Together” was born as we learned how to support and help each other. 

We were simple minded enough to just believe that “we were more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.” We thought, “if we committed to doing God’s will in our marriage then God would bless our union. If we were committed to His calling on our lives, He would enable us in that effort. Love may find a way, but God provides a way. We frequently reminded ourselves of this by looking at each other and one of us would either repeat our mantra or say, “Honey, me, you and the Lord have this.”

If you're going to learn how to fly you’ve got to get out of the nest. The momma bird knows that and when it’s time to fly she bumps her babies out of the nest. Life is filled with risk, uncertainty and danger but if you're going to fly you have to take the leap. We learned to “Delight ourselves in the Lord” and as He promised He “directed our path.”  You can be everything God created you to be if you just trust him to take what you are and mold you into what He knows you can be. 

All I can say is, and I say it from personal experience with Him, “Our God is an awesome God; He reigns from heaven above, with wisdom, power, and love; Our God is an awesome God!”  Bill & Gloria Bill Gaither along with Greg Nelson wrote the words but they are the testimony of Susan and me. We are so blessed by the gifts from your hand. We just can't understand why you've loved us so much. We are so blessed, and we just can't find a way or the words that can say, "Thank you Lord for your touch."

With Robert Frost I say . . . . 

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

God Often Supplies Our Need from Places and in Ways We Would Never Consider

Since the power was out and church services were canceled, I have been thinking about how God has worked in my life since my dear wife Susan died two years ago. Her absence has brought great pain to my life. So, I am posting this as a word of testimony and praise. 

Percy Sledge recorded his R&B hit, When A Man Loves A Woman in 1966 the same year Susan and I married. In 2017 Sissel recorded a version that captures my feelings. I urge you to give it a listen. Better yet do it with the one you love.

When a Man Loves A Woman isn’t just about the intoxicating, all-consuming power of love though it is certainly that. Love is the most basic need of all. The desire to want and feel wanted . . . loved is a universal need put in the soul of man by God. Only God’s love and love for God can fill that need perfectly. But a man and a woman created in the image and after the nature of God has a built-in desire to be loved and to be loved deeply. This song expresses something of that.

But When a Man Loves a Woman also warns us to know what we’re getting ourselves into when we love . . . especially when we love with the love of God. The song positively beams with emotion and celebrates just how far gone we can get in our beloved. It also acknowledges the high stakes of the situation. There is nothing to compare in this world with the feeling of deeply held, intensely felt and longtime love. Granted, separation of any kind and especially death may be the end of many things in this world . . . but it certainly is not the end . . . but, at the time, it sure feels like it. So, when the earthly love of our life is no longer present the inward pain is almost unbearable.

Shifting gears just a little. I am a fortunate, no, I am a blessed man to have had a wife who possessed an uncanny ability to put people at ease. I cite one example of what I mean. Several years ago, I was a member of a panel discussing and answering questions about the advantages of having preferred suppliers and how to obtain cooperative funding & support from them. Prior to going to that panel Susan and I had been visiting with the CEO of a major travel industry “Back of the Office” company. 

As the three of us sat in the lobby of the hotel a runner came to get me for my panel. Susan started to go with me when our friend said, “Susan, why don’t you stay here while he does his thing. You’ve heard all that stuff before.” He was right and she took advantage of the opportunity to skip a meeting. Long story short, I finished my presentation and Q&A session and rejoined them where I left them in the hotel lobby. 

I said all that to provide a context for what my friend said as we left to get some lunch. I paraphrase now but what he essentially said to me was, “You have quiet the treasure in your wife.” I wisely and readily agreed as Susan was there and would hear how I would respond. He then continued, “What I mean is she listens so well, I found myself telling her things that I would never say to anyone else. I’m glad you let her stay and visit.” I responded, “I know, she does that to me too.” 

Now, fast forward to the present. I, like my friend, do not share very many personal thoughts and feelings with other people easily and certainly not on a regular basis. In fact, Susan has been my only human real confidant since before we married . . . but now she is gone. Not to sound too mystical, I still consult with her, but she rarely answers . . . . although sometimes somehow talking with her it seems like she does. 

I simply must interject here; Our God is an awesome God . . . and He knows and supplies our every need. I stand amazed at how He does it. As I said earlier, So, when the earthly love of our life is no longer present the inward pain is almost unbearable. Nothing seems to help. Then God . . . does something surprising . . . at least in my loss experience He did.

In my case, the Lord reached back into my past and pulled into my present someone with whom prior to then I doubt that I had spoken a dozen or so words over my entire life. A person who, like my friend, said of Susan, “I found myself telling her things I would never say to another living person.”  This in my mind borders on the miraculous! Do you realize the pieces God had to move to make that happen? Some of you might have been among the pieces He moved. God works and He is working all over the place.

I suppose the lesson in this is that sometimes God supplies our need from places we would never look. Israel received water from a rock and in my case, he brought an obscure part of my past into my present and is meeting my need. I see my experience as no less a miracle than Israel being refreshed with water from a rock. I speak here of spiritual things. There is a way that seems right to our way of thinking, but God knows the way through the wilderness we travel far better than do we.

Is Finding a Wife Really a Good Thing?

 I am a big proponent and have been for many years of reading a chapter from Proverbs each day. I recently added to that practice choosing one verse (proverb) on which to focus my thinking. A few days ago, that focus verse was Proverbs 18:22. 

My first thought about that verse was, “Wow! All these years I’ve been reading this proverb wrong. He didn’t say finding a “good” wife. Instead, he said “finding a wife is a good thing.” I’m pretty sure had you asked me to quote this verse yesterday I would have said, “He that finds a good wife has found a good thing.”  I would add that from a woman’s point of view that verse would have been written, “Finding a husband.”  So, anything I say today will follow the general idea that what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. 

What I am hearing is, that it is a good thing to face life as a committed couple. God created Eve as the completion of Adam by bringing to the relationship what he needed . . . . what is lacking in him. Solomon affirms that a marriage relationship between a man and a woman is a good thing . . . even if it is not always a constantly euphoric thing. Marriage in too many instances evolves into a static thing when God intended it to be a dynamic and growing relationship. For the Christian that growing relationship is known as the process of becoming one flesh . . . . i.e., growing and maturing into oneness. Unfortunately, most of us are not developed enough in character and maturity to avoid the friction created by the oneness process. 

I have often wondered if God doesn’t bring couples together based not so much on their love for each other but because each hold within themselves what the other needs for a balanced life. It is here that we must ask the question: “If I am not getting what I need could it be that I am not giving what my spouse needs? Just a thought.

I doubt anyone would argue with the statement: “We all bring our bags of "stuff," both good and bad, to our relationships. The bags of trash are easy to spot because they stink so bad. In fact, they stink so bad that others see them before we or our spouse do. They were there all the time, but I guess love really is blind or maybe just stupid. Whatever kept us from seeing them and their seriousness before we married sure left after we married. Maybe we just ignored what we saw or what others pointed out. Somehow, we see the bags of treasure but too often we are blind to the importance of the trash bags. 

The challenge is to find the bags of treasure. We need to keep reminding ourselves why we married this person in the first place. The bags of treasure also have their own aroma but sadly once we marry their sweet aroma is often overwhelmed by the stinky stuff. Sometimes the onion has to be peeled to get to the good stuff. I was so very blessed that my life companion had so very little trash and so much treasure. So what's the answer? Finding a good wife is not only a good thing, it the best thing. 

A Personal Word: I have been asked so many times what was it that made Susan the lovely person she was. Susan was a role model par excellence. Anyone who used her as a model for living life would be a better person for it. She certainly faced all the challenges of life that is common to our humanity and specific to her own life experience not to mention mine. She had her share of heartache and pain, sorrow and happiness. As you know, I spent 60+ years knowing and seeing her in just about any and every life experience you can imagine, and I would say of her today what Jesus said of Nathanael, "behold a woman in whom there is no guile." She was the best of the best. Her greatest gift from God was that she loved with the love of the Lord and that love broke any and all barriers down. 

Me, well I had so much stinky trash that I am still a work in progress . . . but thank God, He is not finished with me yet and He is not through with you either. 

Another Part of Our Journey into Oneness

I have been asked many times how Susan and I developed a deep level of love and commitment in our marriage. The answer to that is too complex to answer here. There are many factors that go into developing a relationship like the one Susan and I shared. Many of those factors are unconscious while others evolve over time and still others were conscious decisions. Today, I’ll mention two of the important ones. 

The first and foremost is that we both decided early on that God and our relationship to and fellowship with Him individually and as a couple was vital. We knew that relationship had to be nurtured and developed if we were going to have what we both wanted . . . a relationship with each other that mirrored our relationship with God. I do not believe you can have what we had apart from a powerful sense of the presence of God in your life. 

The second was to prefer the other over our self. Understand, our life together was a journey into oneness and there are plenty of other factors that play into that journey. They are the spokes of the wheel that is our life. 

I am going to try to shed a little light on the logistics of making that a reality. What I share below is just one spoke in what was the wheel of our relationship. 

From the time I graduated from seminary and became a full-time senior pastor I have had to travel and over time that travel burden only increased. Now understand, I didn’t mind the travel, but I began somewhere early on in our journey into oneness that it put an added burden on her.     

Many years ago now, I made a decision that if I was going to be away on either professional or personal business Susan would have the choice to go with me if she wanted to do so. I was so committed to this that I would drive from Kilgore, Texas to Pasadena, Texas to take our daughter to “Gramma’s” house so Susan could attend a two-day meeting in Dallas, Texas. Those of you who have for any length of time lived in Texas know how crazy that seems. 

Most of the time Susan chose to go and we turned every single trip, of which there were many, into personal couple growth opportunities. People who know me are aware of the many, many trips we have taken over the years both in Ministry and the travel industry.

Understand that while my business-related travel was paid for, I still had to pay her cost. Over time people that I worked with at these events came to expect her to be there. A few even involved her in what we were discussing and/or planning . . . one executive once referred to her as the most valuable non-paid advisor he had. But I am beginning to digress.

My point is, we used our responsibilities as opportunities to spend more time together than we would have otherwise. There is a little-known axiom that says, “In order to have quality time together you must have quantity of time.” It was with this principle in mind that we always looked for ways to exploit my required travel for our personal gain. 

We also frequently planned extended stays in the area where I had to be. Sometimes, we used that city as a jumping off place for a cruise or a tour or just a couple of extra nights in the hotel. At conventions, conferences and trade show hotels were always good to give us the “convention rate” for a few days post conference. My point is, we found a way to get quantity of time. This in turn gave us the opportunity to create quality time with each other that gave us “time and place” where we did all the little things that mean so much in a relationship. 

Somewhere along the way we became a team, no more than a team, we became one.