In A Macabre Way

Last week I took part in the Memorial service for a young man whose wedding I officiated twenty-five years earlier. He was fairly new to the Kingdom of God back then having only recently become a Christian and been baptized. He was an even newer member of our church. His bride was a lovely young lady who had been a member of our church I suppose most of her life and whose family had deep roots in our church. I do not know of a finer example of what being a husband and wife is all about than this couple. They didn't just live together they had a real mutually fulfilling relationship . . . something that's a rare thing in today's world of electronic connections.

Like so many brides and grooms for whom I have officiated wedding over the years they both seemed young. I remember thinking to myself when I first saw him, "He must be standing in for an older brother."  But I digress. My point right now is not to eulogize him. I did that at the memorial service.

My point is that the night before the memorial service there was a family visitation time. That's a time when friends, neighbors and acquaintances visit with the family to remember and express their condolences.

I couldn't help but notice at that visitation that with the exception of all the police (I didn't mention the young man was a policeman) it seemed more like a family reunion and a church homecoming than a visitation. As I reflect on this experience I began to realize that most of these that I have been to in recent years, including those in my own family, in a macabre way were becoming substitutes for family gatherings. Now that's not an altogether bad thing but there is a certain sadness about it that goes beyond the death that from time to time brings us together.

At this point I'll be a bit nostalgic. I remember in my own family that there was a time when weddings and death were not the only occasions that brought our extended families together. Of course in those days families lived pretty close together and so getting together was not so hard.

My dad and his siblings often gathered on weekends for a kind of Friday or Saturday night Jamboree. There'd be instruments to play, songs to sing and just plain fun to be had. I recall family and friends gathering for table games at each other's homes. In addition to being a lot of fun we were learning a great deal about each other. By the time I was grown we knew each other well. We new our faults and our strengths; we knew what made each of us happy and we knew what hurt. More importantly we were bonding.  It was a real social networking program where hands and hearts could actually touch.

In additional we had those annual gatherings when the whole tribe would gather at a predetermined location. I suppose the big chiefs decided all that. All I know is it got louder, more crowded and more fulfilling with each family that arrived. We, each family unit and all of us together were the Appleby's and unlike this year's Survivor blood was always thicker than water.

But alas, as I am all too frequently reminded that those days are gone. I suppose I'll have to wait until one of my cousins or another friend dies to see all the family together again. I told you there was something macabre about all this. Now for our family as for the family of the one whose life we celebrated on this occasion these are not morbid times. To be sure there is a sadness in the air and during some of the conversations lumps suddenly appear in the throat and a tear rolls down the cheek.

However, for the most time we are remembering the good times and thanking God that he wove the person whose life we celebrate into the fabric of our life. There was laughing and story telling. It is a time of thanksgiving for the fact that God brought our lives together both in living and dying. The only real difference between our reunions of days gone by and these of today is that someone has died.

That night we shared our experiences with family members and friends. I saw former church members, some of which played a large roll in my life.

I don't like how our society has evolved. Socially we moved from the front porch to the back deck; from the open yard to the privacy fence; from meeting in our homes to maybe meeting at a restaurant if we meet at all. We've gone from church fellowships to committee meetings and from family reunions to funeral home gatherings. We need to set aside the "smart" phones, I-Pads etc.; We need to leave Twitter, Facebook and Pintrest just long enough to reintroduce ourselves to each other and get to know the real us. I wonder sometimes if we can live without these machines.

Many years ago I had a deacon in a church who bought a boat. Now, there is nothing wrong with owning a boat. In fact during my "fishing" days I wanted one myself. At any rate, as time pasted this brother and his family began to miss more and more church. In fact, by his own count he once missed 13 Sundays in a row (3 months). Then, following a series of boating mishaps (wife falling in lake twice after which she ceased to go with him, the boat running aground a few times and finally one Sunday morning during a squall on lake Palestine it was dashed against the rocks and suffered sever damage that cost a small fortune to repair. That night, he was in church and asked to speak to the congregation and here is what he said, "Y'all know I bought a boat about six months ago." He continued, "I always wanted to own a boat . . . it had been a dream of mine since I was a kid." Then he recounted all the things that had happened over the past 13 weeks and concluded with, "God showed me this morning that I only thought I owned a boat but that in reality the boat owned me." "It became the means by which the devil has tarnished my witness. and as a Deacon I want to apologize and ask your forgiveness."  Then it was a boat . . . maybe now its a smart phone or Facebook.


Oh, I know we are never going back to the days of yesteryear but if we don't reclaim some of that has been lost we will eventually all find ourselves alone. I've started leaving my cell phone at home on most weekends. Mostly just to prove to myself I am not addicted to the thing.

However, few things bother me more than trying to speak with someone who is constantly reading Twitter posting, email and Facebook. I want to say, "Common Man, get a real life." What I am really saying is put down the phone and spend some time in conversation with a relative or friend. Don't have a relationship with an electronic device. Have a relationship with a living breathing person. Now go forth an conquer and I'll see you at the next family visitation.

Have a Wonderful Christmas Time . . . .

I've been hearing Paul McCartney's song "Wonderful Christmas Time" more and more on the radio and in stores the past few years. I like it because it is not only upbeat but because it speaks of a simple Christmas time. A kind of Christmas for which many of us of a certain wish to reconnect. A time when . . . .

The moon is right
The spirits up
We're here tonight
And that's enough

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime
Simply having a wonderful Christmastime

 

 

Please note that I have not forgotten the real story of Christmas . . .  the Birth of Jesus and all that includes. But there is something about the Christmas season but my mind darts in and out of the past and the present. Christmas time is a time when at lease for me nostalgia takes over.  Others are franticly running through stores and there I am lost in the fifties seeing myself standing by what I now know was a pretty sparse tree but at the time seemed so impressively full wearing a pair of matching cap-pistols, boots, chaps

I'll be walking through a store at the local shopping mall to pick up my new eye glasses and suddenly I'll have a flashback to being at the Sears Store on Southmore sandwiched between Shaver and Main Streets. Right now, as I write I can see myself and my Father on Christmas Eve walking in the Main Street side of the store with me in tow past the tools and lawn equipment toward the escalators in the middle of the store. On my left we pass the candy island with its potpourri of smells and nuts . . . so many nuts . . . I just loved it. We're on a mission, Christmas is tomorrow and we still haven't gotten Mom anything for Christmas. In later years he'd later do the same with my sister.

I used to wonder why Dad always waited to the last minute to take care of this most important of tasks. I would learn years later that it was procrastination as much as it was economic. You see Mom and Dad waited until all of the things my sister and I were going to receive before they turn to each other.

You see Dad was a self-employed auto mechanic and Christmas time was  a tough time for families who made their livings in the auto repair business unless of course the economy was in a down turn. People put off as much auto repair as they could n favor of spending their money on Christmas gifts. He'd work harder at Christmas "hustling-up" work than any other time of the year just to make sure we all got something under the tree. Mom always spent much of the year putting aside a Christmas "nest egg." 

One of the things that made that Christmas Eve mission so urgent was not just that we had to find just the right gift for mom that we could afford but we also had to be at our big family reunion at my Aunt Mae's house.

That gathering was important to me as was our own on Christmas morning. All the extended family would be there. All my aunts and uncles and cousins. Mae's house had that distinct smell that I call "the smell of Christmas." Some years we exchanged "white Elephant" gifts  but every year it was a time when we were all present and filled with uplifted spirits (not to mention Christmas treats) and "that was enough." Add to that the singing of carols and Christmas songs and stories of Christmas past many of which were about family members no longer with us and how they touched our lives.

We always ended that evening with someone reading the Christmas story from the King James Bible. The story just reads better from that version. I remember the last Christmas eve we spent at Mae's. It was the last one we would have and as had become the tradition by then I was reading the Christmas story. That Christmas was a sad one in many way because those of us able to be there knew it would be the last. Mae, the last of my Dad's siblings was confined to bed and in the slow process of dying. I remember asking her if she'd like me to read the Christmas Story for her and as we gathered around her bed I began to recite . . . "And in those days there went out a decree . . . ." Even that Christmas was a "Wonderful Christmas Time."  It was different from years prior but wonderful none-the-less.

All I know is that through all of that we always had a "Wonderful Christmastime" because our spirits were always up and we were all together.  I think that is still what makes Christmas so special . . .  our spirits are up and we are all together.

A lot of time has passed since those days. We have celebrated Christmas more than 60 times since the last time Dad and I rushed through Sears looking for that perfect gift for Mom. The store is closed, the city has changed, many of the family have stepped out into eternity since then but Christmas has never lost its appeal to me.. Some were in times of plenty and some were during seasons of want. But all of them were times together and with up-lifted spirits.

 The moon is right
The spirits up
We're here tonight
And that's enough

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime
Simply having a wonderful Christmastime

Now here's the really odd part of all this. For some reason my mind has done another one of those flashback things and I find myself thinking of the people with whom I went to public school.  So, while it is on my mind I want to send out to all the members of my high school graduating class (PHS class of '65) special Christmas wishes. A lot of Christmases have come an gone since we walked across that makeshift stage at The old Memorial Stadium.

During that time some took and early departure from us and shall remain ever young in our hearts and minds. But for most of us time would march on and we would marry have children and our lives would generally go in a myriad of directions and we'd each celebrate Christmas with our own developing traditions. Some of you will be surrounded by family and/or friends while others might spend the day alone. Some will be spending your first Christmas without your spouse of many years. I know because I follow many of you on Facebook.  I know Susan and I will pretty much spend Christmas with just the two of us. We will celebrate a family Christmas on the 21st.- ironically my Dad's birthday - he'd be 102 were he living.  Remember, as time passes you will realize they have left you more than has been taken from you.

First I want to apologize to many of you who graduated with me back in 1965 that I did not take the time to get to know you better when we were growing up. It was my loss and I truly regret it. I really do wish I had know you all better. Worse yet, he said with tongue in cheek, you didn't get to know me either. I know, it would not have been possible for all of us to know each other really well but I think I, at least for one, could have and should have done better. Thank you for being a part of the Tapestry of my life.  Then I want to say from the bottom of my heart that I wish for you and yours a "Wonderful Christmas Time."

 To the rest of you who became a part of my life over the years I want to say the very same thing to you . . . . Merry Christmas.

 

The moon is right

The spirits up

We're here tonight

And that's enough

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime

Why Did My Pastor Leave?

The pastor-church relationship is a sensitive and vitally important issue. I believe this because I have been one for nearly 40 years . . . Baptist pastor that is. The majority of pastors move from one church to another out of a sense of call. This is usually a joyous occasion for pastor and congregations.  However, for many pastors  and churches the departure is for less than healthy or truly irresolvable issues.

The proper dissolution of that relationship in difficult circumstances needs to be carefully considered in the light of biblical teachings. Untold harm has been done to the reputation of Christ's kingdom by the improper firing of pastors. I do not mean to suggest that it is never proper for a church to remove a pastor from leadership. There are, sadly, occasions when such a step should be taken for the glory of God and the welfare of the church. When faced with this course of action, however, a church is not free simply to ignore biblical teachings while taking the path of expediency.

Evangelical pastors of all denominational stripes today are being dismissed in epidemic proportions. I recall a number of years ago reading in the Baptist Standard that studies showed that 2000 Southern Baptist ministers were being formally dismissed each year from their pastoral responsibilities. This figure did not include others who were forced out in less formal ways.

Among the major non-healthy and unreasonable reasons pastors leave are:

Frustration with critics in the church. This simply means  they resigned from their church due to weariness over relentless criticism. Sadly some churches have members whose constant criticism of the pastor would put a dog with an old rag to shame.

Discouragement over the direction of the church. Every pastor I have known over my 40 years of ministry has come to the churches they served  an eager vision and great hope. Many of those same men left when they realized that vision and hope would never materialize.

Moral failure by the pastor. Sadly, this is one of the reasons some pastors are asked to leave a particular church. The two most common moral failures are sexual or financial in nature. Sadly they don't have to be based in any sort of reality but merely perceived indiscretions. Real or perceived, safeguards were typically not in place to prevent them..

Pastoral Burnout. Coaches and pastors have what must be the most flexible of jobs. It is this flexibility that can lead to one of two extremes: poor work ethic or becoming a workaholic. The latter inevitably leads to burnout.

Financial Struggles. A number of churches, especially smaller churches, do not take care of their pastors financially. Most are able to do so. A pastor who has to worry about paying his bills will not be an effective pastor. and will be forced to find ways to supplement their income.

Family Issues. Obviously the family issues could be related to any of the reasons noted here. But a number of pastors have told me that they resigned because the entire church leadership experience and atmosphere were unhealthy for their family.

Then There is what I call "The Departure of Joy."  As I mentioned at the beginning the typical pastor has great joy when he is called to ministry. That joy often continues during the time of training for ministry. It is especially present as he enters into ministry at that first church that asks him to be their pastor. However, somewhere along the way they loose that joy in the real world of local church ministry. It like the old Jerry Clower story about Marcel Ledbetter up in the tree with a raccoon and he calls out to his buddy just shoot because one of them, him or the raccoon, has got to have some relief. My guess is most of these men never experienced a "call from God to ministry" in the first place.

Forced termination other than moral failure. This seems to be like bananas and onions, they come in bunches.  It has been rare to hear of just one isolated case. Again, seem there is some sort of "end of season" when the coach is retained or let go and I'm not sure that's not true of pastors as well. The explanation is usually something like, "The church has determined it needs fresh leadership." In most cases these are "trumped-up" charges or very minor issues. Sadly, when we look closely it is rarely ever the "whole Church" that determines that need but instead some "Turf Shepherd" who feels threatened by the pastor's increasing influence in the church. In most cases, the pastor's resignation comes as a total surprise to the congregation as a whole and oddly enough they often know exactly where to point the finger as to the source of the action.

All of these reasons for pastor's resigning can be avoided and when present can be

overcome by spiritually minded people who seeking God's purposes for everyone concerned and operating within the parameters God has set forth in His word. In fact, it can be a time of spiritual growth for pastor and church if handled redemptively. Anything less results in disaster.

In talking with ministers over my own 40 years of ministry I have come to believe that every pastor confronts some of these along the way. Some even confront them all. Fortunately most of us  have been able by the grace of God to weather those ministry storms. Personally I have always been sustained by the personal sense of "Call to Preach" I had as a youth and the abiding sense of the presence of God in my life.

I can honestly say that even when there have been those who challenged my leadership, questioned my integrity, opposed my vision, or were just plain mean and vindictive I was never inclined to do battle with them (thought about a joke but will save it for another time).  I have relied upon the belief that because God has called me I answer to him and not to men and as a result I trust Him to fight my battles for me.  

Hence, "the battle is the Lord's" not mine. I have chosen to repay evil with good and leave the battle in His hands. After all, I am not unaware of the dire warning  God has issued to those who would presume to assume His authority over my life and ministry (any God called Minister for that matter) and He has warned " Touch Not Mine Anointed, And Do My Prophets No Harm."

What this means is that if God has anointed that person He, God, will discipline him. It means God is the one who judges the people he has "called to preach the Gospel" . . . they are His servants not yours. Simply stated it is what Paul is talking about  when in Romans 14:4 (NASB) he asked, "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."

Anyone who does the anointed of God harm has presumed an authority that God has reserved for Himself and places himself at risk of Divine retribution. Whatever the real or perceived failing of God's anointed (pastor) might be it pales compared to assuming God's prerogatives . . . this is idolatry. Believe me history shown and experience has demonstrated the truth of this.  This is why any action taken that will do harm to the pastor and by extension his family must be done by spiritually mature people capable of discerning the mind of God in a matter.  There is no place here for "it must be the will of the Lord because it seems so right to me!"

I remember an occasion when a body of Deacons was in the process of creating a forced termination of a friend who asked me to be present with him at the Deacon's meeting where the confrontation was coming to a head.  Tragically this is an all too familiar scenario. At any rate, he asked me to be there because he knew I understood the dynamics taking place.  At the meeting the person driving that action simply offered my friend and ultimatum. . . . "You can resign or face a vote and risk loosing the severance offer." Clearly they had already met secretly and decided their course of action.

 

After some conversation between my friend and the Chairman my only question to the Chairman was, "Sir, I understand that I am here to observe what takes place for my friend and that I have no voice in this matter but I wonder, have you thought about the unintended consequences of this action and are you personally prepared to live with the consequences and cost to the church this action will have?" His response was, "I don't care what it costs, its what we are going to do!" To which I simply said, "Good luck with that because in my 30+ years of experience this action is in all likelihood going to cost more than you realize but there will be a price to pay and it will be exacted on you and sadder yet on this church as well."

We never see the whole picture or have the entire back story to what leads to these kinds of crises. The Bible says, “There is a way which seems right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death” (Proverbs 14:12). We should fear God and His Word alone.

The pastor left, soon went to another church had a successful ministry that lasted better than 15 years and retired. Everything that had happened in the former church under his leadership happened at the new place of ministry. God was clearly holding His anointed in His hand and blessing his ministry.

On the other hand, the church he was force to leave split within 2 years and been on the decline to this day. I believe, that night when a group of men assumed God's prerogative with regard to His anointed God took a large pen and wrote over that body of believers the single word ICHABOD . . .  meaning the glory of the Lord has departed. Trust me there are plenty of Ichabod Churches out there. You should avoid them if you can.

My point is this: Everything in life is a test. When there is conflict for any reason between the pastor and the church (more accurately a few people within a church) both groups are being tested. Both pass when there is reconciliation. At least one fails when there is not. And, like all tests failure brings negative consequences. Some are small test with little consequence for failure others are large tests with catastrophic consequences that often result on the children's teeth (people who follow us) being set on edge because their fathers (those of us taking action) have eaten sour grapes. Our, as my Momma used to say "Be careful for what you ask, you may just get it."

Now clearly this does not mean that you accept anything and everything a pastor does or says. Certainly, issues between the pastor and the lay leadership and or the church as a whole must be dealt with by the appropriate groups. Sexual immorality and financial theft must be confronted.  However, in most cases it has nothing to do with what our Catholic brothers call Mortal Sins but everything to do with personalities, powers, influence etc.

However, it should always be done gently and always with an eye toward redemption. . . . redemption of both the church and the pastor. This can only be successfully undertaken by those who are spiritually mature. I would add that it should be dealt with early rather than late. 

What do you think?

There is a pretty good study on this found on the Founder's Ministry Page.