God called me to preach some 53 years ago and that has been the primary focus of my life. Preaching, teaching and doing missions have consumed much of my ministry life. However, these do not tell the whole story. You see most of those 53 years were spent doing those things from the position of senior pastor in four Baptist Churches.
It was in that capacity that I came to see a frightening trend in the care of the elderly. Over those years of ministry I often visited the elderly members of our church in their homes, in assisted living facilities and in “Nursing” homes.
Early in my ministry most of the elderly members of the churches I served either still lived in their own homes or in the home of one of their children. As time passed, more and more, depending on their health needs, were moved into assisted living facilities and/or nursing homes.
Some did well in the assisted living facilities but few faired well in the nursing homes. Unfortunately, there seemed to be a direct relationship between their financial resources and how well the elderly faired in all of these facilities. Essentially, like in everything else in life, you get what you can pay for.
My observation from my own experience comes largely from watching my family deal with this. It started with my grandparents and later continued with my own parents. It also included the many visits to elderly church members. The result was that I came to see that people generally faired better in their own homes or the homes of their children.
When I was growing up there were few “old folks” homes. The ones we had were either locally owned or operated by fraternal organizations. Over time demand and cost changed all that and most elderly facilities became a part of a larger “health care” company. As such they were little more than one more revenue stream for that corporation. With this the attention to personal dignity gave way to financial and medical necessity and governmental regulations. In some ways this improved the quality of care medically. However, in my view it diminished the mental and spiritual aspects of care by robbing the resident (now called clients or patients) of their dignity as humans created in God’s image.
Originally these facilities were a part of the community and the people who owned them lived nearby as well. They were not state of the art but they were personal and made real efforts to create an atmosphere that helped preserve the dignity of the residents.
The residents of these facilities eventually began to become isolated from both family and society. Isolation for these “institutionalized” elderly was further compounded by the fact that children, over time, tend to visit less often. This is facilitated by institutional work schedules that discourage visitations at certain hours. The old saying “Out of sight out of mind” really does apply.
In addition to social and familial isolation I have seen too many people enter a nursing home facility with full use of their mental faculties only to develop dementia in short order. I have come to believe that if you don’t have dementia when you enter a nursing home you soon will. It seems to me to be a coping mechanism for dealing with the unpleasant reality life. As my 90 year old mother-in-law says of the really nice assisted living center in which she lives, “I want out of this jail.”
I recall that as a child growing up I had access to my grandparents most of my life. Most of their lives they lived independently. I was carried in my grandmother’s arms as a child, heard her pray for me by name, watched her grow old and was with her as she died. That happened because as my grandparents grew older and unable to sustain themselves without help they were able to take up residence with Dad’s sister. In short, they remained a vital part of the family. I am sure it was hard on everyone involved but over all it was also best for everyone.
This served as my model for what I chose to do with my own mother. I was determined to preserve her dignity as a person created in God’s image as long and as well as I could. She lived in her own apartment, attended church, visited friends and did all her own shopping etc. as long as she was physically able. As here health deteriorated I began assuming responsibility for some of those things until I became here primary care giver and ultimately That included being her chauffeur . . . driving her to church, dialysis three days a week, doctors, and anywhere else she needed or wanted to go. Finally, I sat by her bedside, held her hand and spent her last few minutes in this world as she died. All of this while serving as the full time senior pastor of a growing Baptist Church.
You ask, wasn’t that a hardship? My answer is, “Absolutely!” It was harder than you can imagine. It involved meeting all my own responsibilities as senior pastor of a growing and thriving church as well as seeing to it that she received the care she needed and was able to grow old with her dignity intact.
Keep in mind, not only was it hard for me and my family it was hard for her. It is hard enough to loose ones independence, even out of necessity, but it is unreasonable and selfish to allow our elderly parents to give up their dignity as well. That's part of what "honor your father and your mother" means.
Now, understand, I am not denigrating the concepts of "Assisted Living" and "Nursing Home" facilities. They apparently are necessary in our modern day and given the religious, spiritual and philosophical views of the times in which we live may be the only answer for most people. However, they leave much to be desired when it comes to social milieu and individual dignity. Only family can provide that.
The only thing I would say to our children and grandchildren in this regard is, “Go take a look at these facilities.” Why, because they are your destiny.
However, as Christians, we should evaluate how we treat the elderly members of our family with an eye to what the Bible says about the subject. So here are my top seven Bible verses about caring for parents.
Mark 7:9-13 And he said to them, “You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in
order to establish your tradition! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)— then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.”
Clearly this is a stern rebuke and may in fact be the sternest rebuke Jesus ever gave the Pharisees. Basically He is saying that they have failed to care for their aging parents in keeping with the Fifth Commandment ---- “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.”
Essentially the problem was that caring for their parents was costing them more time and money than they were willing to spend on caring for their parents in their old age. So, to honor them they were declaring the money for caring for their parents as Corban. That is, they declared their resources as an offering to the temple. Jesus accuses them of using this practice as a guise for not honoring their parents as required by the commandment. They are simply making an excuse to neglect their parents and that is clearly sin.
In short, Corban was for their convenience. Caring for our parents is rarely convenient but any attempt to avoid our responsibility because of convenience is nothing short of a modern day form of Corban
Deuteronomy 5:16 “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
As mentioned above, this is why Jesus was so angry with the Pharisees . . . they were breaking this vital commandment. It is important to notice that in the Ten Commandments God gave Moses on the Mountain of God (Sinai). This commandment is so important to God that He placed it first in order of importance regarding what theologians call the horizontal (person to person) commandments that deal with human relationships.
If they didn’t honor their parents, as the Pharisees had been doing, then it will not go well with them. You honor them by dong what is necessary to insure that they do not loose their dignity in old age. Paul will address this as well.
Proverbs 23:22 “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” One of the ways we help preserve our aging parents dignity is by soliciting their opinions and listening to what have to say. We would do well to listen to our parents because they have had a lifetime of experience. We will be the beneficiaries of their experience by learning to avoid making the same mistakes they made. We are not to despise our mother, even when she is old. In short, don’t make the mistake of th Pharisees mentioned above made.
I cannot begin to tell you how often as I visited in nursing homes the residents would tell me things like, “My children don’t visit me very often” and some would even say, “They don’t come at all.” They feel like a “throw away generation.” To them, they feel like they have outlived their usefulness and so their children don’t want to waste their time, change their schedule, or be inconvenienced by visiting their aged parents. A common thread coming from them is, I don’t know why the Lord doesn’t just take me home.” Clearly, this comes from their sense of worthlessness and abandonment. Not even God wants them.
John 19:25-27 “But standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.”
This verse is an illustration in real life from our Lord how we should relate to our parents. So important is our responsibility to them in their old age that even on our dying day we should arrange for their care. While He was being crucified, He is insuring that his mother will be taken care of. John obeyed Jesus’ command as indicated by the statement, “from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.” Clearly, Jesus is modeling accepting responsibility for our parents well-being in their old age.
First Timothy 5:4 “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.”
Paul in addressing this issue with Timothy and the church in general tells Timothy that if a widow has children and grandchildren, it is primarily the responsibility of her children to take care of their mother’s needs. While the church (by extension the society) has responsibilities in caring for the elderly that responsibility is only secondary. The primary responsibility for our parents well being and dignity in old age lies with us, their children.
Caring for our elderly parents “is pleasing in the sight of God.” Paul ties caring for our parents in their old age or need to pleasing God. That means that not only is this a service we owe to our parents it is also a service to our God. The questions we need to answer are, “Why shouldn’t we take care of our own widowed or aging parents?” Is there is a reason(s) that are acceptable to our own consciences that make it better for our parents that we do not make it possible for them to live out their days in this world with dignity? I think we may very well conclude as many cultures around the world have that aging parents are generally better served in the home of their children. Perhaps our priorities are a bit skewed.
1st Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
A few verses later Paul basically calls those who don’t even provide for their own family worse than an unbeliever. Now that is really a tough spot given the fact that unbelievers are in a far worse state that believers when standing before God on the Day of Judgment. It seems plain enough to me. Not only failure in this area not please God it puts the one not caring for his parents (and own children) in danger at the final judgement. But I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Isaiah 46:3-4 “Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been borne by me from before your birth, carried from the womb; even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.”
God, as a benevolent Father, has said that He cares for His people, even into their old age. Not only did Jesus set an example in regard to seeing that our parents are cared for in old age but God himself has modeled it for us. Unlike so many today God has literally cared for us from our birth to our death and beyond.
God has carried us all along the way of our lives, even into their older days, thus showing them that God will not ever forsake them and never will He leave them (Duet 31:8; Heb 13:5).
Conclusion
We are to walk in His steps. To quote a once popular statement, when it comes to honoring our aging parents we are to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” Would He abandon them as some do today? Would He institutionalize them for convenience? Would he rationalize His motives to feel better? I rather think he would bear the burden for the joy that is set before him. I can tell you without fear of contradiction that I would give all that I have to drive my mom to dialyses, push her along in her wheelchair, get out of bed a two in the morning to respond to her needs.
That doesn’t mean I want her to return to this life with all her burdens of body weakness but it does mean that I did not find the “burden” of insuring she lived and died with dignity. To paraphrase an old expression “she ain’t heavy she’s my mother.”
In the Old Testament, there is a law that says, “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord” (Lev 19:32). This is a command to show respect to those who God has BLESSED with long life. Isn’t it interesting that God has said that living long upon the earth is a blessing and yet we have turned it into a terrifying prospect.
How many stand up when an elderly person comes into the room? I ask you, “When was the last time you saw that happen?”
Do you consider yourself a religious person? How does James’ statement that “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world” (James 1:27) fit into your thinking regarding your parents?
I am not saying that there are not circumstances that will all but demand that our elderly parents will need to be institutionalized. I am sure there are. Indeed, it may be the best thing all the way around. This would be true for cases of advanced Alzheimer disease as our parents needs exceed our ability to supply them.
What I am saying is that we need to make sure that is the case and that we are not rationalizing what can be done to keep them in a family setting simply because we do not want our routine and convenience disturbed. I am afraid all to often it is really “all about us.”
I can promise you that as long as our minds are functioning at near normal levels we prefer to be with our families where we can watch our grandchildren and great grandchildren grow and maintain a sense of significance.
