I Was Young And Now I Am Old

This year has really been a challenging year for me. I suppose I have felt my humanity more this year than in any year previous. For one thing, I am spending a lot of time with medical professionals.  

Now in and of itself that is not anything unusual. I have always spent a lot of time with the people of the health care industry.  

I served as a Chaplain at the Memorial Southwest Hospital in Houston, Texas and in that capacity often found myself as a counselor to Physicians as they struggled with personal and professional life decisions. It was during this aspect of my ministry that I really learned to appreciate the challenges they have balancing their personal and professional lives not to mention the life and death issues with which they dealt daily. 

I also, through my ministry, had a social interaction with many Md's. We had worked together on special community projects; we had worshipped together in church; we had socialized as friends. In all of those I related to them as colleagues, acquaintances or friends depending on what we were engaged in at the time. I rarely stood in awe of them as persons because I knew them in their humanity. I did however, marvel at some of how they related to the world around them; how they utilized their skills; and in some cases the depth and breadth of their faith.

However, this year I have not only been seeing them in all the ways I did in the past but now I have taken on a new relationship with the health care professionals in my life. Now I am a patient. I have a Family Practice Doctor whom I see frequently both professionally and socially; I have a Cardiologist who keeps up with my cardiovascular diseases; I have a Urologist who monitors my prostate and other lower abdominal organs. In  fact, I have an appointment at the end of the month for a prostate biopsy; I have an Ophthalmologist who keeps my one good eye as healthy as possible; and, a Pulmonolgist who makes sure I am breathing.  Every one of which tell me at just about every office visit, "Remember, you're not a kid anymore."

 I recognize that all of life is a journey and each stage has its own particular challenges. However, the "sunset years" have a unique set of challenges for the person who has always been the leader and the problem solver. The sunset years present you with challenges outside of your expertise and beyond your ability to control.  

In a lot of ways Joshua's words to Israel as they entered the promised land apply. He told them that because they "had never passed this way before" they were to space themselves so they never lost sight of the Ark of the Covenant lest they loose their way. As we enter the  Sunset Years of our lives we really do need to keep our focus on the Lord because in a unique way we have never passed this way before.    

In the bulk of my life I was active, that is, I initiated actions to achieve desired results and to a large degree was successful in those efforts.  As I get older I experience more and more things over which I have little or no control.  With greater frequency things that I did not knowingly initiate interrupt my plans and demand my attention.  As each year passes I find myself more and more reacting than acting.  

Oddly enough, as my body has begun to yield its virility to the ravages of time my mind is discovering a new birth of efficiency and creativity - as my friend John Blanchard once said to me, "I am having a new burst of mental prowess." My thinking is clearer than at any other time in my life.  It is less influenced by popular culture and more by my own walk with the Lord, study of the Scripture and interaction with people from all walks of life. And most of all it has been liberated from what is "politically correct" to follow my reason to what is a Biblical, moral and ethical conclusion.  

It reinforces something my father told me early on in life, "Youth is wasted on the young, when I was young and physically vibrant I wasn't experienced or smart enough to know what to do with that virility and now that I have both the experience and understanding to know what to do with it (my virility) I no longer possess that virility."  Little wonder that God said, "The glory of young men is their strength, And the honor of old men is their gray hair." (Proverbs 20:29) 

I think I understand now more than ever why older Christians seem to have a preoccupation with their heavenly home. It is in old age that you really do realize that "heaven on earth" is fleeting. If you are blessed with longevity you will inevitably discover that what the world gives through hard work, creativity, etc it takes away in old age. Or, as someone said, most of us spend our youth getting wealth and we spend our wealth trying to keep our health in old age.  

In 1983 I read Edith Schaefer's book The Tapestry: The Life and Times of Francis Schaefer. Since that time I have viewed my short appearance on this planet as small part of a great Tapestry God is making with the lives and experiences of His people. My weaving is fast coming to an end but shall always be a part of the whole, namely the whole Family of God.  

Jesus said:  "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

This is why it is so important that we make good use of the years of our physical strength and not spend all of our limited time and waning strength trying to gather wealth and worldly fame. It is vital that we spend some of that time on building a meaningful personal relationship with Jesus Christ and other people.

It is nice to have some of the "good things" and comforts this life affords those who prosper materially. But we must never forget that life does not consist of the abundance of things we possess in this life. As one wise Evangelist once said, "You'll never see a hearse pulling a U-Haul trailer as it makes its way to the cemetery."

Someone asked at Cornelius Vanderbilt's funeral how much wealth he left behind. The rejoinder came back, "Everything."  For those who have accumulated great wealth in this life and wondering what should become of it when you come to the end of life's journey I have a suggestion. Put it to work where it can continue to bless people until Jesus comes.

Specifically I'd ask you to consider Mission Dignity where it will be used to allow those who served God faithfully without accumulating wealth of any significance to live out their Sunset years with a modicum dignity.  I saw a lady the other day who was 107 years old and mentally as sharp as ever but living in a nursing home surrounded by people suffering from dementia. I wondered to myself as they celebrated her longevity, "How does she do it?"  She deserves, no, they all deserve better than that and we have it in our power to give them better than that. Paul speaking of caring for our families made it clear to young Timothy that, "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (I Tim 5:8).

Do I fear death? I don't think that I do. I was at the death's door in 2005 and found that it was not frightening. Obviously I did not die but during the whole process from the initiation of my "widow maker" heart attack while on a cruise ship in Galveston; to my ride in the ambulance; through my time in the emergency trauma unit; and until I woke up in my hospital room I experienced no fear.

Do I fear dying? Maybe! I suppose it depends on the nature of the dying process. Someone once said there are no good ways to die but I believe some ways are better than others. I want what all people and especially Christians want and that is to go to sleep in my own bed and wake up in God's eternal city.

Do I have any fears as I walk toward death?  I do!  I fear failing my Lord, myself and/or my friends. But my greatest fear as I make that inevitable march toward the grave is the one Jesus spoke of to Simon Peter when he said to Peter, "Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."

Quiet frankly, I fear that while having my full mental capacity but because of the frailty  of my flesh being relegated to sharing a ten foot by ten foot room with two other people, i.e., I fear the "Nursing Home." I've been in and out of them all my life and my mother worked in one when I was a child. Some have been better than others but I have to be truthful and tell you that I find little that is redemptive about any of them.  They represent our culture's last resort for our elderly. That's a whole other conversation that I'll save for another time.

I just know that my sister and I moved heaven and earth to keep my mother and father out of them and we succeeded to a large measure. I can only hope someone does the same for us in our last days. I want to go out of this world in my own bed surrounded by the people who I have loved and who have loved me.

The conclusion of the matter for me is that growing old is both a blessing and a curse. Old age is just the last part of something that I have been doing something that began when my mother conceived me. While I am not particularly anxious about taking the last few steps of that journey "I'll fear no evil for Thy rod and Thy staff the comfort me . . . and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."