I Give Up . . . Why Haven't I Remarried?

David & Susan Appleby
December 23, 1966

Every now and then someone has asks me why I haven't remarried. After all, they say, it will soon be six years since Susan left, and we all know how you don't like being alone. The answer to that question is complex.

I suppose that the short answer is that I haven’t found anyone that I want to marry and I am not aware of anyone who has been knocking down my door in pursuit of me. It is not that I am opposed to the idea, but it is not very high on my agenda of things to do.

I do like to think I am open to it, but the truth is, it is not something that I spend a great deal of time contemplating. My sense of the thing is that just like I knew with Susan that I wanted to marry her I’ll know if it is in the cards a second time.

Also, it is not because I think it would demonstrate disloyalty to Susan. Truth is that she made it a point to free me from that kind of guilt. Not only did she free me to remarry she suggested the kind of person I should consider.  Susan even went so far as to recommend a specific person I should consider pursuing. It was a great choice . . . just really bad timing.

No, it has nothing to do with offending or betraying her.  We knew each other well and neither of us would put the other under such constraint. We expected and received 100% loyalty while both of us were living but we both wanted the other to live on in a happy loving relationship if we so desired when one of us passed. Neither of us, of course, could imagine that but we wanted it to be an unencumbered option for life after one of us had died. 

Truth is that I never thought I'd be the one left behind so I never gave any thought to a second marriage. But the last six months of her life she gave it a lot of thought. She would tell me how much she loved me and how grateful she was that I was with her in her struggle with cancer. She would tell me that nothing I could do at that point would make her happier than to know that I was happy after she was gone and if that meant remarriage that was fine by her. 

Truth is she actually thought I should marry again. Her reason, “Because you can’t stand being alone." I told her, “It isn’t so much that I hate being alone, though I do, but that I hate being alone without you.” She went on to suggest a possibility and a few “stay away from” folks. I think I have mentioned in the past she gave me the name of someone she thought would be perfect. I think she chose wisely. I must confess that I do “love” that person, just not in the way Susan was suggesting. The point is, Susan loved me enough to leave that door open with her blessing. (I know you're more interested in who she ruled out than who its was she suggested)

You may not think that is significant, but I tell you now, I know a number of widows and widowers who have denied themselves companionship because they feel it will be a betrayal of their deceased spouse. Some feel that their friends will see it that way. All of that is exacerbated by the information highway (gossip) on which many seniors live. It is the fear of gossip and accusations will be secretly dispensed and dispersed. 

Now I said all that so I can tell you emphatically that some false sense of disloyalty or betrayal of Susan is not why I have not remarried. I must also dispel the notion that I have not remarried because I don’t want or need companionship. To be perfectly honest Susan was right about my hating being alone. Truthfully, I crave and thrive on companionship. God was not telling a fairy tale when He said, “it is not good for the man to be alone.”  And you thought He was talking about Adam. Truth is He was talking about me. 

I think what I need is not marriage as much as it is a perpetual state of courtship. A relationship where marriage could be in the works but is not the goal. For me the goal would be about having companionship not Eρως. For me it is something more Platonic than romantic. Something like ἀγάπη or στοργή blended with φιλία. Just so you know, I am aware that all three of these types of love relationships sometimes turn into something more and could be the precursor to marriage. But that could be said about any of the love categories from Eρως to ἀγάπη. My point is I am not opposed to the idea of a “second time around.” As I told a friend recently, a second marriage is not something on my “things to do” list. If the Lord wills it I will be all for it but mark you well, I am not on a hunting trip. 

I suppose another reason I have not pursued a “second time around” is that I have almost eight decades of becoming set in my ways and I am not apt to do much changing at this late date. That does not mean I am too old for remarriage, but it does mean that flexibility to personal change is harder and less likely.  It is unfair and unkind to ask someone to do that which I myself am either unwilling or unable to do. 

And yes, I know, with God all things are possible, but I also know that all things are not expedient. This is so important that Paul says it twice, "All things are lawful/possible, but not all things are expedient/beneficial" is a principle from 1 Corinthians 6:12 and 10:23.

I have a lot of friends who after their spouse died just could not handle the aloneness and so they jumped into a second marriage too soon. I know you’ll find this hard to believe but there are widows and widowers out there on the prowl. So, if you're inclined to join the safari take the time needed to make sure it is the right thing for you. I’m pretty sure the song writer got it right when he wrote, “older women make beautiful lovers, older women know just how to treat a man” but take the time to discover whether or not this one does.

But my friend let me suggest that as hard as the loneliness is you do well to weather the early stages of that storm and test the spirits. Marriage whether young love or mature begins as a quest but turns quickly into a journey that might make the loneliness of the wilderness seem a place of respite. Marriage, whatever it’s number may be, is never to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. 

But let’s for argument’s sake that remarriage is in the cards. That relationship must stand on its own two feet. It must never become enslaved to former spouses and or the love that we shared with them. 

You see, that’s where it gets tedious. The new marriage relationship cannot be enslaved to the former one. That is a really big thing. The first marriage for good or ill will always inform the second. It may be your second marriage, but it is y’all’s first marriage. The former spouse will always be wandering in and out of your relationship. How you allow it to wander makes a huge difference. 

The challenge is to recognize that fact and learn how the three of us (and sometimes the four of us) are going to live together.  This really requires a healthy self-image and self-assurance. That’s where the unhealthy sense of loyalty and betrayal again come into play. For example, I will never stop loving Susan. She was the love of my youth and my old age and everything in-between. A second love is not an eraser . . . . it is a pen. Second marriages are simply writing new chapters in the book of our lives.

I would hope that the new wife’s first love was every bit as meaningful to her as mine was for me. However, any obligation you feel toward them is limited to honoring their memory. Don’t drag someone else into your mausoleum just to satisfy your loneliness. To do so is not kind but self-centered. One cannot forget, nor do we wish to do so, the wonder of our first loves and marriage. In a second marriage both partners must accept and affirm their husband/wife’s previous relationship. 

Hence, the new love must stand on its own unique merits. The new love will not diminish the first love . . . . they are not competitors . . . they are companions. I sometimes think we make a mistake in talking about love relationships in these matters instead of thinking it terms of companionship. Love in a first marriage means one thing but generally in a second marriage and particularly for older people it means something else. As in any second marriage, the focus should be on developing and enjoying the present relationship without allowing elements of the first to hinder such development.

For me, on a more personal note to give my friends something to chew on. This conversation is not drawn from a vacuum. Yes, I am a bit picky, and I would hope you would be just as picky. 

My first marriage was the handiwork of God with purpose, and any future one will have to be that as well. Truth is that there are a handful of wonderful older women (including the one Susan mentioned) with whom I believe I could develop into a relationship that might lead to a marriage. I simply have not felt the Lord moving me in the direction of marriage.

But for now, for many of us it would really be nice to have a companion with whom to share the rest of my journey. 

I just hope I have not had my “last date"

and 

I'd love to hear your thoughts  just 

leave them in the comments.