I Give Up . . . Why Haven't I Remarried?

David & Susan Appleby
December 23, 1966

Every now and then someone has asks me why I haven't remarried. After all, they say, it will soon be six years since Susan left, and we all know how you don't like being alone. The answer to that question is complex.

I suppose that the short answer is that I haven’t found anyone that I want to marry and I am not aware of anyone who has been knocking down my door in pursuit of me. It is not that I am opposed to the idea, but it is not very high on my agenda of things to do.

I do like to think I am open to it, but the truth is, it is not something that I spend a great deal of time contemplating. My sense of the thing is that just like I knew with Susan that I wanted to marry her I’ll know if it is in the cards a second time.

Also, it is not because I think it would demonstrate disloyalty to Susan. Truth is that she made it a point to free me from that kind of guilt. Not only did she free me to remarry she suggested the kind of person I should consider.  Susan even went so far as to recommend a specific person I should consider pursuing. It was a great choice . . . just really bad timing.

No, it has nothing to do with offending or betraying her.  We knew each other well and neither of us would put the other under such constraint. We expected and received 100% loyalty while both of us were living but we both wanted the other to live on in a happy loving relationship if we so desired when one of us passed. Neither of us, of course, could imagine that but we wanted it to be an unencumbered option for life after one of us had died. 

Truth is that I never thought I'd be the one left behind so I never gave any thought to a second marriage. But the last six months of her life she gave it a lot of thought. She would tell me how much she loved me and how grateful she was that I was with her in her struggle with cancer. She would tell me that nothing I could do at that point would make her happier than to know that I was happy after she was gone and if that meant remarriage that was fine by her. 

Truth is she actually thought I should marry again. Her reason, “Because you can’t stand being alone." I told her, “It isn’t so much that I hate being alone, though I do, but that I hate being alone without you.” She went on to suggest a possibility and a few “stay away from” folks. I think I have mentioned in the past she gave me the name of someone she thought would be perfect. I think she chose wisely. I must confess that I do “love” that person, just not in the way Susan was suggesting. The point is, Susan loved me enough to leave that door open with her blessing. (I know you're more interested in who she ruled out than who its was she suggested)

You may not think that is significant, but I tell you now, I know a number of widows and widowers who have denied themselves companionship because they feel it will be a betrayal of their deceased spouse. Some feel that their friends will see it that way. All of that is exacerbated by the information highway (gossip) on which many seniors live. It is the fear of gossip and accusations will be secretly dispensed and dispersed. 

Now I said all that so I can tell you emphatically that some false sense of disloyalty or betrayal of Susan is not why I have not remarried. I must also dispel the notion that I have not remarried because I don’t want or need companionship. To be perfectly honest Susan was right about my hating being alone. Truthfully, I crave and thrive on companionship. God was not telling a fairy tale when He said, “it is not good for the man to be alone.”  And you thought He was talking about Adam. Truth is He was talking about me. 

I think what I need is not marriage as much as it is a perpetual state of courtship. A relationship where marriage could be in the works but is not the goal. For me the goal would be about having companionship not Eρως. For me it is something more Platonic than romantic. Something like ἀγάπη or στοργή blended with φιλία. Just so you know, I am aware that all three of these types of love relationships sometimes turn into something more and could be the precursor to marriage. But that could be said about any of the love categories from Eρως to ἀγάπη. My point is I am not opposed to the idea of a “second time around.” As I told a friend recently, a second marriage is not something on my “things to do” list. If the Lord wills it I will be all for it but mark you well, I am not on a hunting trip. 

I suppose another reason I have not pursued a “second time around” is that I have almost eight decades of becoming set in my ways and I am not apt to do much changing at this late date. That does not mean I am too old for remarriage, but it does mean that flexibility to personal change is harder and less likely.  It is unfair and unkind to ask someone to do that which I myself am either unwilling or unable to do. 

And yes, I know, with God all things are possible, but I also know that all things are not expedient. This is so important that Paul says it twice, "All things are lawful/possible, but not all things are expedient/beneficial" is a principle from 1 Corinthians 6:12 and 10:23.

I have a lot of friends who after their spouse died just could not handle the aloneness and so they jumped into a second marriage too soon. I know you’ll find this hard to believe but there are widows and widowers out there on the prowl. So, if you're inclined to join the safari take the time needed to make sure it is the right thing for you. I’m pretty sure the song writer got it right when he wrote, “older women make beautiful lovers, older women know just how to treat a man” but take the time to discover whether or not this one does.

But my friend let me suggest that as hard as the loneliness is you do well to weather the early stages of that storm and test the spirits. Marriage whether young love or mature begins as a quest but turns quickly into a journey that might make the loneliness of the wilderness seem a place of respite. Marriage, whatever it’s number may be, is never to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. 

But let’s for argument’s sake that remarriage is in the cards. That relationship must stand on its own two feet. It must never become enslaved to former spouses and or the love that we shared with them. 

You see, that’s where it gets tedious. The new marriage relationship cannot be enslaved to the former one. That is a really big thing. The first marriage for good or ill will always inform the second. It may be your second marriage, but it is y’all’s first marriage. The former spouse will always be wandering in and out of your relationship. How you allow it to wander makes a huge difference. 

The challenge is to recognize that fact and learn how the three of us (and sometimes the four of us) are going to live together.  This really requires a healthy self-image and self-assurance. That’s where the unhealthy sense of loyalty and betrayal again come into play. For example, I will never stop loving Susan. She was the love of my youth and my old age and everything in-between. A second love is not an eraser . . . . it is a pen. Second marriages are simply writing new chapters in the book of our lives.

I would hope that the new wife’s first love was every bit as meaningful to her as mine was for me. However, any obligation you feel toward them is limited to honoring their memory. Don’t drag someone else into your mausoleum just to satisfy your loneliness. To do so is not kind but self-centered. One cannot forget, nor do we wish to do so, the wonder of our first loves and marriage. In a second marriage both partners must accept and affirm their husband/wife’s previous relationship. 

Hence, the new love must stand on its own unique merits. The new love will not diminish the first love . . . . they are not competitors . . . they are companions. I sometimes think we make a mistake in talking about love relationships in these matters instead of thinking it terms of companionship. Love in a first marriage means one thing but generally in a second marriage and particularly for older people it means something else. As in any second marriage, the focus should be on developing and enjoying the present relationship without allowing elements of the first to hinder such development.

For me, on a more personal note to give my friends something to chew on. This conversation is not drawn from a vacuum. Yes, I am a bit picky, and I would hope you would be just as picky. 

My first marriage was the handiwork of God with purpose, and any future one will have to be that as well. Truth is that there are a handful of wonderful older women (including the one Susan mentioned) with whom I believe I could develop into a relationship that might lead to a marriage. I simply have not felt the Lord moving me in the direction of marriage.

But for now, for many of us it would really be nice to have a companion with whom to share the rest of my journey. 

I just hope I have not had my “last date"

and 

I'd love to hear your thoughts  just 

leave them in the comments.

 

America: Our Hearts, Our Souls and Our Times are Being Tried

I do not normally comment publicly on political topic, but I feel compelled to at least say something on the present state of affairs politically though I do not consider this political. Instead, I see it as a short address on a national crisis I believe we are facing that is infinitely more concerning than the daily "ya ya" of our politicians. 

Just something for my Democrat friends to think about. It is clear that your Party is being used as a vehicle for people who hold ant-American and ant-capitalism views. Your Party has already elected people who hold view that have been mislabeled as “Socialist” when in fact they are clearly Communist ideologues. Additionally, your party has placed on the ballot people who boldly promote   articulate Leninist ideologies and Stalinist methodologies. 

I believe that the Democrat party is engaged in a second fight not unlike our Civil War in the 1860's. Some Democrats understand that but unfortunately too many see only an opportunity to seize power. They do not realize or they choose to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the fact that we are now engaged in a second great civil war that as Lincoln said in 1863, “testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.” 

That civil war is for the moment isolated to the Democrat Party. The evidence is clear and the world is wondering if America will survive the battles taking place in the Democrat Party. Will it be written on the pages of history as the beginning of the end of America’s reign as the “Land of Opportunity” where individual freedoms are guarded. 

Most of the world has already had generations of experience with Socialism and Communism are now scratching their heads and wondering, “What is wrong with the Americans.” My Democrat friends, these socialist among you are not there to help you win elections against the Republican Party. They are using your Party as a vehicle for killing the goose that gave us the golden egg, namely The United States of America.

I do not understand the Social Democrat group as an American Political Party. I see them as a subversive adversary of both political parties and intend on overthrowing the Constitution of the Unites States of America and replacing it with the Communist Manifesto.

I am a Republican and you are a Democrat, but I believe but Iwe are both first and foremost an American. As a Democrat you have the opportunity to do what the Republicans did in the 1860's . . . . preserve the Union. 

 I am sure you have heard the expression, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend". It is an ancient proverb suggesting two opposing parties should collaborate against a common adversary. Communism is the enemy of both Democrats and Republicans and our common enemy. You and I, a Democrat and a Republican are in the trench and the enemy is charging. The Democrat and Republican parties are not enemies . . . . we are political opponents and while we have our distinctive world views but neither of us wants to abandon the Constitution. Instead, we want to make the country better for a people who now “breathe free.” It is time we joined in one voice to defend the Union. 

I am not asking you to join the Republican Party. I am suggesting that you clean your political house of that which we on the outside of your Party looking in can clearly see . . . . the Communist have not just arrived . . . .  They have infiltrated your party. I don’t care how big your political tents are there is no room in any tent for these people. To quote one of my favorite founding fathers, Thomas Paine . . . . “THESE are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.”

"Liberty and Union, now and forever,
one and inseparable." 

I join with Daniel Webster who famously said on January 27, 1830, "Liberty and Union, now and forever, one and inseparable." 

My Democrat friends it is time to stop the dividing and to start promoting what guests from around the world who came here for the World Cup tournament experienced. "America is a wonderful place it is nothing like what I have been told."

Let's keep it that way

So, Your 80 and Alone

I have reached the stage in life where all my contemporaries are 80 years of age or soon will be. This age is often referred to as our “golden years”. For a handful of people who achieve that level of longevity and have a modicum of good health and a better than average income these years can be golden. Otherwise not so much.

Fortunately, as my children and younger friends point out, I am in pretty good shape for the shape that I am in. I can still drive and I handle my own affairs. I do my own shopping . . . . of course, I prefer to do it more in person than online as I get to enter-act with real people. I have found people in general and especially with young folks showing me deference more than say ten years ago. So don’t misunderstand what I am about to say. For some of us, right now at least, we are in pretty good shape for the shape we are in” and right now that by itself says “life is good”.

I readily admit that there is a certain level of peace that comes from having your own place, your own routine and some quiet time. I know there is for me. However, before you start jumping up and down with joy and running the risk of breaking something you need to understand that living alone in your 80s is not always what people imagine. Like being young, there are advantages, disadvantages, rewards and dangers.

But even with all those advantages the odds are at 80 years and beyond you're going to spend a great deal of whatever time you have left, alone. It is that time in our life span that we begin to notice that many of our friends if not in fact most of our friends have stepped off into eternity or have become debilitated in some form or another.

In our four score and more years we have learned that life can change in the twinkling of an eye. We know because we have seen it happen to our friends. Yesterday I played a round of golf with a friend I’d known since childhood and now I am getting ready to attend their memorial service. Yesterday a few of us walked a mile at the mall and then this morning one of us awakened and nothing on our left side is working and the phone is across the room.

As I have just said, with relatively good health, living alone into your 80's age can and is a blessing from God.  However, as I have pointed out, living to 80 and beyond can and does present you with some unique challenges. Many of those challenges are obvious . . . they are physical and financial in nature and bring their own kinds of stress.

But there is a stress that comes with longevity that can be a grinder for both healthy and not so healthy and that physical, mental and financial circumstances can exacerbate. 

I am speaking of aloneness and the loneliness that too often accompanies being alone. Loneliness can, and I suspect will, sneak up on you when you least expect it. I can almost guarantee you that most days will seem longer than when you were younger. There will also be nights when it seems morning will never come. 

The fact that many of our friends, if not in fact most of our friends, have stepped off into eternity and we have become or may may become the “last one still standing.” I have a friend who once remarked that their social life now consisted of onetime events . . . . namely attending the memorial services for their shrinking number of friends. 

I really became aware of this when my wife died. It has been five years since she went to be with the Lord Jesus, and I have not adjusted to the aloneness of living alone. At least when she first left my friends were there but now, even they are as one fellow said, “dropping like flies”. I can promise you that there will be days when the silence will seem louder than the din of noise. 

When our children were young, we used to long for a little peace and quiet and now that quietness all too often is deafening. You wake up to a house that is too still . . . . There are no footsteps and no voices to be heard. Just the humming of the refrigerator and the ticking of the clock . . . .  No voices! 

You turn on the TV or radio for company and just to hearing another human voice. Your phone can go days without an incoming call, and the mailbox brings only bills and advertisements. Even the morning cup of “Joe” is less than satisfying. I will not even mention how just getting up and down is a chore. I am here to tell you that loneliness often shows up in those quiet moments. You feel it when setting the table for one or when looking out the window too long. This lack of connection can cause your heart to hurt.

Daily tasks can one the one hand keep you busy and turn your thoughts from your aloneness. But those same daily tasks can wear you down. When you live alone in your 80s, even simple chores can feel like mountains. What used to take ten minutes now takes thirty. Some days, it feels like everything takes more energy than you have to give.  

I have days when just getting out of bed is a challenge. Stiff joints and sore muscles do not always cooperate in the morning. I make wonderful breakfasts or, at least so I have been told. But now, it takes me longer and a drop stuff with more frequently. Susan used to complain that my stride was too long and I walked too fast . . . . Now I walk deliberately and hope I don’t trip over anything or even nothing. 

Now the laundry piles up faster than I remembered and the laundry basket is heavier than I recall.  Sometimes I ask myself, “How in the world did Susan carry this thing to the washroom.” Bending over to pick up clothes changing and opening a stubborn jar can turn into exhausting tasks. I find myself saying about more and more things, “It can wait until tomorrow.” Truth is, when we live alone, it is easy for us to feel like our time does not matter. No one is there to see what you do anyway so why worry about. I know I sometime feel guilty for leaving dishes in the sink. Or frustrated because I can’t get the dust off of the ceiling fan blades. We must simply do what we can do. 

I suppose it boils down to a search for significance in our old age. We want what we do to have . . . . meaning beyond ourselves. Stepping out of my leadership role after 50 years was the hardest transition I have had to make other than losing Susan. She was my עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ . . . . the woman God created as my perfect match. I’m not sure you ever get used to not having the most significant person in your life around after more than 60 years. We just adjust as best we can but no matter how much we try we still miss their aroundness. 

So, what is one to do. Well, what you don’t do is succumb to the loneliness. Be proactive . . . . don’t wait on anyone to come to you and do not assume about your grief and aloneness “That this too shall pass.” I’m in my sixth year and it neither have happened yet. Here are some things and places to start.

Stop whining because you phone still isn’t ringing. If your phone isn’t ringing, may I suggest you make their phones ring. A simple phone call to an old friend. Don’t wait for them to call . . . take the initiative. I have a friend who I call regularly even though they rarely call me or even return my calls. Truth is that we do not need constant chain of phone calls, but we do need a human voice. Sometimes I just call to listen to their voice mail pre-recorded message, turn your radio on for company. The quiet can make each day seem uncomfortably long and make each day feel like a copy of the one before.  

Try speaking with the clerk or other customers at the grocery store. I try and go to the grocery store once a week whether or not I need to buy anything. I have learned that there are people there who need what I am able to give. A listening and sympathetic ear. 

I have returned to the art of letter and note writing. I love the anticipation of getting something in my mailbox beside a bill, Medicare plan promotion or other advertisements. I have to confess that I write far more letters than I get a letter in return. If you can’t write letters, then put a nlote in a card. I have found letters less expensive than cards. Just a heads up on that. 

You can still have a meaningful and significant life. Purpose does not simply vanish but it does change based upon our capabilities and willingness to embrace the change and do what we can do. It may in fact become quieter, more personal as well as more meaningful to you and helpful to others than before you can imagine right now. We “Oldies” simply need to start finding value in small things others overlook.

Don’t forget about church. It is a great place to stay in the know and interact with people. First and foremost, I attend church. This gives me at least one day a week where I interact with other people. Don’t use web cast of your church’s service keep you away from the fellowship of the saints.

I interact on social media with people I have met over the years. This includes friends from my school days and especially my high school graduating class. People who I have worked with as pastor of five churches over 50 years are high on that list on social media. Add to that he folks around the world with whom I have ministered with and to. I maintain a fairly large social media presence. (Feel free to join me on Facebook)

I have, as mentioned earlier, recommitted myself to letter writing. If it worked for Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning, it might just work for you.

I have purchased a few bird feeders and sack of birdseed. Feeding the birds each morning gives me pleasure. I figure if God takes care of the sparrows, then so can I. I also grow plants. Feeding the birds, chasing off the squirrels and caring for my plants allows me to care for something alive.  Watering the plants becomes a promise to care for something alive.

I write. I write down my memories and my thoughts on various subjects. Think about the wisdom you and I carry. Our stories, lessons, and patience are worth more than most people realize. I share these on both my personal blog and on Facebook. 

I haven’t done this one, but it is something I toss around in my mind. Write letters to grandchildren. You can share recipes or advice that only comes from experience. You might even write a letter and seal it in an envelope addressed to them. Ask whoever is going to handle your estate to distribute them for you after you have died. to them for after you die and put it with the things your family will treasure

Remember, purpose does not have to be bold, loud or even seen. It can be framed in quiet acts of care, creativity, and choice. You and I are still part of the world. Living alone in your 80s is not always easy. Some days feel too quiet, and others feel too heavy. But we must remember that our time has always had value and maybe even greater value now that we have outlived the life expectancy charts. Our presence still matters. And your life can still hold beauty, even in its quietest moments.

You are not forgotten. You are not invisible. You are still here, still strong, and still capable of building on the life you started all those many years ago. You’re here and that means God has not quit on you so don’t you quit on you. If all else fails . . . give me a call . . . . let talk.